BFTD

If that's what you say to them, you can understand their point

I used to be employed to stand around outside a village hall making sure nobody was on a ladder peeking into the high windows of a hall while a bunch of fully-dressed middle-aged to elderly women jiggled around to techno, similar to that "Sexy & I Know It" Specsavers advert. I must've been really imposing, as I never saw anybody who looked even remotely interested.

These dreadful Settlers-lite online scam games that are always advertising on the telly. Evony seems to have died off, so now it's Clash of Clans and Lord of War, or whatever they're called. The thing that annoys me is the expensive ads that have absolutely nothing to do with the game whatsoever. It's deeply concerning that there are enough rich morons around for them to be able to afford these. Grr.

Dead End - thriller (I guess) about a family approaching the end of a road trip to visit relatives for Christmas. The driver takes an unfamiliar back road and BOOM! Weird shit starts happening and people get knocked off at an alarming rate. Pretty poor and loaded with cliche, to the point where it feels like a twelve-year-old's first attempt at a SciFi story, complete with strange and unnatural dialogue. It feels very familiar throughout and, indeed, has a resolution that you'll have seen in many other films. Quite smugly pleased with myself that I managed to pull a plot twist out of my arse within minutes of the film starting, however

Any idea what the odds actually were on Hertz scoring ten? Would be hilarious if the bookies had seen it coming.

How did you know they were lesbians? Did your Lynx body spray have no effect, or were they just the entertainment?

I think I'm starting to see the problem here...

Ah. (delete, delete, delete)...

That doesn't sound alright at all Might be brilliant for the pervert lesbian community, however, especially if they have a sauna.

I've actually no idea what this means. Are you implying I've got pish or spooge in my ear canal? Please specify which, as I don't want to admit both to the doctor.

Players who grab the ball after tripping over their own shoelaces . It's the universal symbol for "gie's a free-kick, ref", and you never see anybody get booked for it. You do, however, see plenty of challenges where referees obviously aren't going to blow for a foul, but feel compelled to because the wee chancer on the deck has grabbed the ball to stop play. Cut their fucking hands off. Dicks.

Missed opportunity, methinks.

Theory: booitsme7 is a vocabulary bot that Div has been working on to recognise words and respond accordingly. If things go to plan, he'll pick up a Nobel Prize for creating the first AI to pass the Turing Test. It's also programmed to trawl the net for pictures to add to the Ultimate Site of Boobs that Div's been working on since he was a teenager. Once complete, you'll be able to find anyone's boobs with a few mouse clicks. Once again, Nobel Prize, etc.

My wife and son constitute the Jewish community in Alloa. Neither are called Levi. Maybe this guy was visiting with his family?

You know that feeling when you've had a bath and there's water trapped in your ear canal? I've had that for a week solid now. No idea what's going on, never had that for more than an hour before. Ebola?

Eek! Maaaam!

Your new alias? Doesn't seem your style, Zenny.

These Barclays Digital Eagle adverts. If I want a plasterer, carpenter, computer programmer, or brain surgeon, I'll go and find one. Just hold onto my money and try not to destroy the fucking economy again, you bunch of incompetent twats.

Getting my threads mixed up and posting in the wrong place

I arrived at a cash machine just behind a couple of other guys once; Guy #1 puts his card in and nothing happens. After a minute of pressing random buttons, he storms off, incredulously telling us that "it stole my card!" I turn to leave and find another machine, but Guy #2 steps up and inserts his card too, so I stuck around to see what happened. I left after a minute when it was obvious that nothing was happening, but he didn't want to walk away and admit he'd made a prize arse of himself

Really quite alarming how much confusion the whole SPL/SPFL thing has caused among people who make their living out of football in Scotland.

I always prefer it when the club brings the weans out for a wee kickabout. More entertaining, plus they seem to get a kick out of it, and it hopefully gives some players of the future a taste of playing in front of a crowd. Yeah, I know - BEAST!

P&B ahead of the Beeb on the Spock news, BTW. GIRUY, Auntie.

I forgot he was a doll collector. I just like to rub myself on the packaging

Surprisingly scunnered by that. Seemed like an interesting guy. And I actually enjoyed his album, despite it being something that could seemingly only be enjoyed ironically. Also, Transformers The Movie Got to be a legend to pull this shit off: