BFTD

I presume nobody's mentioned the least-sexy scene in movie history because they've blocked it from their collective memories. You're welcome

Surely makes it official that there is no God.

Who was watching Leprechaun recently? Thanks, I guess, because it encouraged me to give it a go. Didn't think much of it; Jennifer Aniston must have got the Friends job on the back of this as she's literally being Rachel Green, albeit with a slightly different nose. So, just pre-Friends Rachel Green, for those familiar with the show Warwick Davis presumably got the job due to being the go-to little person for these things, as he doesn't even bother trying for an Irish accent for the most part...or perhaps couldn't bring himself to do it. Very poor, and peculiarly bland stuff. Even Rumpelstiltskin (which was obviously inspired by this) is a better film, and that wasn't much cop either. The Taking of Deborah Logan - found-footage film about documentary makers recording the day-to-day life of a woman suffering from dementia. As time goes on, it starts to seem as though her illness is bringing up some grim memories from her past, and is possibly inspired by the supernatural. Decent film, and makes a good job of keeping you interested in the mystery. Also provides some unsettling moments, including a REC-style night vision headscratcher towards the end. Essential viewing for fans of the genre, and worthwhile for horror fans in general. Thanks to NewDomDom for the recommendation!

Still haven't seen that film. There's always something that stops me seeing it for some reason; last time was when the copy I bought from Cash Converters turned out to be scratched all to buggery So jealous, I'm almost seething. The wife and I had them for a few years, and they got seriously abused at the weekends. Us having the wean, combined with her disabilities and our lack of a car, has meant that we see the cinema once or twice a year now. Seriously hope the GF appreciates you, is all I can say. She's just a status figure; he doesn't really like her or anything. She's the beautiful American trophy, and the 'property' of his boss too, so 'owning' her just another bit of bling for his cabinet. He's more into his sister TBH, and that's just because he knows he can't have her. A man who genuinely has no concept of love.

No idea who Ruth Goodman is, but...

Ah, so a slight case of the Sizemores, then. Fair enough. He'll be fine once Jack Nicholson finally carks it and he gets that inevitable biopic Oscar.

Not her real name; I'm sure she's lovely. Interesting choice for a first husband, though. Do you suppose he has a nice big cock?

Would've gone for Lance, personally.

Can't help but hope that these seething boots who're desperate for a marriage proposal end up with the old, "I think we should see other people" talk instead. But then, I'm a horrible person.

Pretty clear that your sister feels like a failure when her brother's getting his hole and she isn't, so she came up with that self-serving rule for when she isn't getting pumped. If you say anything about it, she'll come out with some guff about your relationships not being serious, while her love for her f**k-buddy is a romance for the ages and will stand the test of time. Murder is clearly the answer, but I'll leave it up to you to decide upon the appropriate time. Good luck, bud!

Stranded - Christian Slater on the moon! Strange alien bacteria creates a new lifeform that threatens life on Earth if it escapes. Tries to ape Alien whenever possible, and fails miserably, not least because everything looks like it was filmed in somebody's garage. Slightly reminiscent of '80s crapfest Creepozoids, only less goofy and subsequently not as interesting, despite being equally bad. What happened to Christian Slater anyway? He's been doing shite like this for ages. Did he shag some studio head's wife or something?

'But' is something I've picked up from living around here for so long. I don't know when it started, but it slowly grew like a cancer, and now I'm stuck with it, like a dangling haemorrhoid on my, but.

Just not on. Wives have lost their lives for less in this house.

Well, well, well. I hope you can sleep tonight, Mrs M. Edit: FFS, beaten to it, as usual.

Wall-E's excellent, but I feel the pain of anyone who's had to sit through Frozen today. Quarantine 2: Terminal: Starts off quite nicely, but quickly turns into a stock everyone-chased-by-the-fast-zombies flick as soon as the plane lands. Pity, but still probably better than REC 3.

As I lay out the wean's presents, it's heartwarming to know that, even in the early hours of Christmas morning, the usual pish-stained jakies are willing to entertain the neighbourhood by screaming drunken abuse at each other. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Edit: it's turned into a full-scale assault now. If you didn't get your presents, children, it's because Santa took a kicking on the streets of Alloa last night

FFS, Japan. All the twisted shit that you've produced and you're criminalising a wee lassie for selling moulds of her bits?

Was It's a Wonderful Life a big Christmas film here, say, twenty years ago? I'd heard of it, but I don't remember knowing much about it until visiting the US, where's it's THE Christmas film, and it seems to have caught on here now. Just curious if I was walking around with my head stuffed up my arse when I was younger and didn't realise it (on this matter). Today we have mostly been watching: Halloween 4 - hadn't seen any of these past 3. Pretty disappointing by-the-numbers slasher flick, especially after the brave third installment, which ditched the signature character and marvellously straddled the line between being monumentally awful and actually quite good. Really hard to imagine a more bog-standard film in the genre, although the ending's quite nice (albeit telegraphed), and Donald Pleasence is sadly missed from movie screens. The Machine - Sci-Fi thriller about the British government attempting to build AI assassins during a new cold war with China. Film's very much what you'd expect, with a tug-of-war between scientists who want to nurture their creations, and the military trying to undo the empathic programming to create cold-blooded killers. Not a lot of surprises to be had, but still fairly engaging, and with a cracking soundtrack reminiscent of a really good '80s Italian zombie movie. Not a classic, but work a look if there's nothing else on.

b*****d. Swap you. Last night's pleasure was that Scotland were away against Italy, and it was on the telly. Within a couple of minutes, we'd done something to piss off the Italian crowd, and somebody with an automatic weapon started shooting our players. Really horrific stuff watching our players running in terror before being mown down by some maniac.

There's a kid called CJ in my son's class at school. Everybody calls him that, it's written on all the school stuff, etc. Was talking to their teacher one day when his mother strode past yelling "CJ!", so I asked the teacher what CJ actually stood for. I got a pained look followed by, "that's his name" Kid's school is also full of girls whose mothers used classic car catalogues for inspiration (Porsche, Mercedes, etc). Pretty sure this was a text adventure for the Spectrum too. On other names, I know a bloke called Pol (not Paul) Burns, who's a lovely guy. However, to his wife's horror, he insisted that the names of any children they have come from a list he drew up many years before. I forget the whole thing, but Chemical and Carpet were on there. They're now in their forties and childless. Yes, I'm aware of how bullshit that reads, but it doesn't make it any less true. About fifteen years ago, there was an Iranian laddie in Birmingham whose surname was Shite, spelled just like that. On the subject of people with certain names sharing traits, has else anyone noticed that lassies called Karen tend to be absolute rides and a little bit mental?

Had a nightmare when I was about 4 that has always stuck with me. I was wandering around a corridor in a dark mansion with the characters from Willo The Wisp, and we were all tiny, no taller than the skirting boards. One of the characters (don't remember which, but not Evil Edna) managed to get trapped in the jamb of one of the big heavy doors, and was horribly mutilated as a result, staggering around in agony. All the other characters started freaking out and running around hysterically. Around the same time, I started an annoying recurring dream. I'd be playing in a sandpit in our back garden, and I'd eventually realise that it was night time, so something weird was going on. Soon as that dawned on me, a beast would leap over the fence at the far side, and me in the dream wouldn't have noticed (all my dreams are in third-person). The creature would give out some horrible growly howl, and I'd wake up instantly. Also used to have 'screamers' when I was a bairn, before the internet introduced everyone to the concept. I'd be having a nice normal dream, then suddenly something horrible would burst through like the dream was on a projection screen, and would shriek/scream/growl/whatever. Bolt upright in the bed at 2AM; pain in the arse. Only remember ever having two non third-person dreams. One was when I was a teenager, and I'd been employed to burgle some rich Mafioso-type's mansion for some important artefact that he has squirrelled away somewhere. All went swimmingly until I was escaping, when I was caught, handcuffed, and strung up by the cuffs in the bloke's wine cellar. He wasn't best pleased, and got a couple of his goons to saw my legs off in inch-thin slices, like they were making steaks. Not a problem until the saw hit my flesh, then I started actually feeling real-life agonising pain, and the dream went on for a long time. Eventually I died (only dream-death I've ever had), and I woke up some time later, sheets saturated with sweat and pish. The other first-person dream was like a murder-mystery film, with corpses turning up all over a small town, the victims clearly having been horribly tortured and mutilated before they died. I was the stock detective character who was investigating. I wandered around collecting clues and talking to residents over a period of days (in a single dream), but nothing was making any sense and there weren't any suspects. I'm having a pleasant, casual conversation about the whole affair with an elderly local resident outside of a petrol station in the middle of nowhere, when I suddenly start joining dots in my head and realise that she's the killer, and she's actually some kind of Lovecraftian monster in human guise. At the same time, I also realise that the sun's gone down, the petrol station has closed behind us, and there's nobody else around. She/It must see the look on my face and realises that I've worked it out, gives me an indescribably horrifying look, and I wake up screaming. Never been close to being so terrified by anything else. I'm well overdue some baby-oil & boobs dreams TBH.

Sick as a dog, so have regressed back to childhood since dragging myself out of bed at 4:30pm. The Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition. Cracking swashbuckling comedy adventure, remastered for modern audiences and with a superb on-the-fly switching mode that lets you morph every scene into a perfect emulation of the original. Brilliant stuff, and will no doubt be on sale over the holiday, along with the Monkey Island 2 Special Edition. Need to play through The Curse of Monkey Island again sometime too, as I remember it being good as well.

Skitters everywhere, and had to bring a container through to pish into, as I only just made it last time. The boak is on its way, and I fear there will be tears as just swallowing is like consuming a handful of glass. Might consider finally watching Slaughtered Vomit Dolls just to help the process along. Happy 5th night of Hanukkah, P&B!

I can mind my mum being stoned as f**k on painkillers and cough syrup on Christmas Day when I was 6 or so. Even she remembers it as the best Christmas ever Get well soon, hen. Do you ever think your SiL is just trying to avoid the family gatherings? I ken my mum's avoiding me, but I thought that an ambulance ride was taking things a wee bit too far Hadn't occurred to me; need to have a word with the silly bugger!