Barrfields_Largs Posted June 15, 2013 Share Posted June 15, 2013 Two crackers in two days.... Yesterday; Her: £100m would be nice. We could open an Italian restaurant. And it could sell Chilli Con Carne... Me: how can an Italian place sell Chilli? Her: Under the "European Dishes" part of the menu You can dissect the multiple wrongs there.. Today; (Whilst eating chicken) "this can't be chicken. Seriously, look at it. What does a wildebeest look like?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ebanda's Handyman Services Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 (edited) Had a wee conversation with the wife about the end of Star Wars episode 3... Me: "Wonder how Padme still has a bump when she's had the bairns?" Wife: "They probably stuffed something up her dress to make it look like she didn't have the kids in case Darth Vader turned up at the funeral." Me: "Do you think Darth Vader would have been welcome at her funeral?" Wife : "He might go in disguise!" Me: "Aye, he'd be easy to disguise right enough." Edited July 6, 2013 by Andy C 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J_Stewart Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Girlfriend was looking at Facebook this morning. Something was clearly troubling her, so I asked what it was that was puzzling her, to which she replied - "does Evander Holyfield really have 11 children to 13 different women?" Burst out laughing, "not unless he's impregnated two sets of siamese twins" She looked confused, before the penny eventually dropped, "ah yeah, that's too many mums isn't it?" Yes, yes it is dear. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Moonster Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 "Are Chipmunks actual real things!?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgecutter Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Had a wee conversation with the wife about the end of Star Wars episode 3... Me: "Wonder how Padme still has a bump when she's had the bairns?" Wife: "They probably stuffed something up her dress to make it look like she didn't have the kids in case Darth Vader turned up at the funeral." Me: "Do you think Darth Vader would have been welcome at her funeral?" Wife : "He might go in disguise!" Me: "Aye, he'd be easy to disguise right enough." I'm just imagining the breathing sound from the 8ft guy at the back of the crowd as the minister asks for silence. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BradHorse Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Watching James Bond the other night. Don't like it so cannae really remember what one it was or what was happening but it was a scene between M and Bond in which M wasn't too happy. She was giving it the big one and Bond was hitting out with the 'Yes Ma'am, no Ma'am' stuff when all of sudden some rapscallion pops outta nowhere and starts shooting and it appears Judy Dench took one or two bullets. "Oh my God, they've shot Ma'am!!!" came the excited response from the girlfriend. "eh, ma'am's not her real name dear" "What? Oh. " 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgecutter Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Watching James Bond the other night. Don't like it so cannae really remember what one it was or what was happening but it was a scene between M and Bond in which M wasn't too happy. She was giving it the big one and Bond was hitting out with the 'Yes Ma'am, no Ma'am' stuff when all of sudden some rapscallion pops outta nowhere and starts shooting and it appears Judy Dench took one or two bullets. "Oh my God, they've shot Ma'am!!!" came the excited response from the girlfriend. "eh, ma'am's not her real name dear" "What? Oh. " You can't tell her her M's real name or she'll have her shot 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wardy Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Get a few crackers at my work. Girl: Africa is such a massive country eh? Me: You mean continent? Girl: eh? Me:....... Also had a girl who got confused with how much change to give back to a customer. The change was a single penny. I wasn't sure if she was serious or having a laugh. Probably serious! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
energyzone Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 I was watching Formula 1 a few months ago while my wife was sitting beside me flicking through a magazine. Jenson Button was on the camera at the time and she pipes up excitedly "Is he the one who gets younger all the time?" I looked at her quizzically. "Benjamin Button dear, that's a different person " "Oh" came the reply. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweet Pete Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 My step-brother and his partner were visiting us over Christmas before going home to Tenerife, where they live and work. She made several comments about going home to Spain and it transpired that she was seemingly unaware that Tenerife is an island off the North African coast. Because it's a Spanish dependency, she just thought it was part of Spain, despite it being nowhere near Spain and despite the fact that she lives there. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HTG Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 No update on whether Boomtown Boy's inlaws are still alive and in their house or whether the cause was established as a "ganting fanny". Why did you not update me at the weekend BB?! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Watching James Bond the other night. Don't like it so cannae really remember what one it was or what was happening but it was a scene between M and Bond in which M wasn't too happy. She was giving it the big one and Bond was hitting out with the 'Yes Ma'am, no Ma'am' stuff when all of sudden some rapscallion pops outta nowhere and starts shooting and it appears Judy Dench took one or two bullets. "Oh my God, they've shot Ma'am!!!" came the excited response from the girlfriend. "eh, ma'am's not her real name dear" "What? Oh. " You can't tell her her M's real name or she'll have her shot Lyn Marie. I don't know the girl so I care not one jot if she gets shot. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave. Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 The girlfriend asked me last week "So do St Johnstone play in Johnstone?" Although in fairness I didn't and still dont have a f***ing clue where Johnstone is. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa Cuddy Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Lyn Marie. I don't know the girl so I care not one jot if she gets shot. I read that completely wrong and was all set to boot your nadgers for a minute there. Then I read it again and decided it would be unjustified and therefore mean. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MONKMAN Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 Although in fairness I didn't and still dont have a f***ing clue where Johnstone is. I once heard Johnstone being described as 'the bit paisley shat oot' Summed the place up perfectly for me. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aldo_j Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 I once heard Johnstone being described as 'the bit paisley shat oot' Summed the place up perfectly for me. And not a good shite. One involving a curry, Mexican, Guinness and a kebab heading up the road. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mighty meadow Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 I was changing the head on one of those Vileda floor mops the other day which required the removal of four small screws. As you can imagine they were quite rusty due to being submerged in water so often and I was having difficulty getting them to turn. The Mrs, helpful as ever piped up, 'there's some UB40 in the cupboard under the sink'. Unfortunately that wasn't much help but I did get a good chorus or 2 of 'Red Red Wine' while I got the screws turning using some WD40 which just happened to be in the same cupboard 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weirdcal Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 my other half has had a few corkers recently, my favourite was telling me Cork should be the capital of Eire not Dublin, just like Melbourne should be the capital of Australia not Sydney. she spent a year in Australia a couple of years back... when finding out about my folks holiday to las vegas, she asked them if they will be playing Russian roulette, 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
parsforlife Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 my other half has had a few corkers recently, my favourite was telling me Cork should be the capital of Eire not Dublin, just like Melbourne should be the capital of Australia not Sydney. she spent a year in Australia a couple of years back... when finding out about my folks holiday to las vegas, she asked them if they will be playing Russian roulette, Is this the point where someone points out Sydney isn't the Australian capital? It isn't Melbourne either tho, but that's not the point. Cork instead of Dublin is really quite stupid tho. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boomtown Boy Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 No update on whether Boomtown Boy's inlaws are still alive and in their house or whether the cause was established as a "ganting fanny". Why did you not update me at the weekend BB?! Hoose is still there. A will let you draw your own conclusions lol 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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