banana Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Lets put that in the ideas fridge and snack on it later......... Be sure to label your ideas so that the usual fat b*****d doesn't ameliorate them, put them forward as their own, and render your resource surplus to requirements. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DAFC Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Company mission statements are a bit mental too. Wish they were a bit shorter and to the point. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
banana Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 (edited) Company mission statements are a bit mental too. Wish they were a bit shorter and to the point. Increase profits. The other side of mission statements is companies that don't have them or something similar, often directionless pits of a place to work. Edited June 18, 2014 by banana 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madwullie Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 (edited) This shit is permeating teaching now. My mate wrote a "poem" using all the vacuous nonsense we were given in one short 5 minute speech: Get Smarter! Key drivers start small Transform dialogue in the fifth quintile Tranformational areas of change eradicate barriers Own locally The virtuous cycle, irresistible synergy Explorable international futures: stickability Employable inter-notional futures Horizon 3 is the future. Edited June 18, 2014 by madwullie 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 This shit is permeating teaching now. My mate wrote a "poem" using all the vacuous nonsense we were given in one short 5 minute speech: Get Smarter! Key drivers start small Transform dialogue in the fifth quintile Tranformational areas of change eradicate barriers Own locally The virtuous cycle, irresistible synergy Explorable international futures: stickability Employable inter-notional futures Horizon 3 is the future. Not that I understand any of that, but what is Horizon 3? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madwullie Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Seemingly Horizon 1 is the way things used to be, horizon 2 is the period of "transformational change" (like all change isn't transformational) and horizon 3 is the future. The thing about this is, 95% of the people in the room are nodding in agreement and have looks on their faces like they've just seen a statue of the virgin mary shed a tear. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Seemingly Horizon 1 is the way things used to be, horizon 2 is the period of "transformational change" (like all change isn't transformational) and horizon 3 is the future. The thing about this is, 95% of the people in the room are nodding in agreement and have looks on their faces like they've just seen a statue of the virgin mary shed a tear. It's a wonder my work is still in business. We've been faffing about with our plain old single horizon for years. I'm going to submit a business proposal to my boss, suggesting that we implement a multi-horizoned approach post-haste. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sjc Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 I genuinely am at a loss as to how some BIG Companies turn a profit, certainly within the Construction Industry.......the amount of spreadsheet jockeys within management they employ that solely "monitor" the works or deal with "process" as opposed to actually building the fcuking job mystifies me...........this, (building the job) at the end of the day is what the Client pays them for! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madwullie Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Just thinking about the phrase transformational change, it's the epitome of this sounds meaningful but means nothing style of language. Transformation and change are actually synonyms of each other. Might as well describe football as footbally, or have a wanky w**k. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Just thinking about the phrase transformational change, it's the epitome of this sounds meaningful but means nothing style of language. Transformation and change are actually synonyms of each other. Might as well describe football as footbally, or have a wanky w**k. Surely a wanky w**k is one in which you wax lyrical about the benefits of your preferred technique, probably whilst listening to Wagner and surrounded by scented candles. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DA Baracus Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Surely a wanky w**k is one in which you wax lyrical about the benefits of your preferred technique, probably whilst listening to Wagner and surrounded by scented candles. Wrong; that's Saturday night. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DAFC Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Just thinking about the phrase transformational change, it's the epitome of this sounds meaningful but means nothing style of language. Transformation and change are actually synonyms of each other. Might as well describe football as footbally, or have a wanky w**k. Probably came about because 'people don't like change' which in itself is masking 'people don't like getting f&cked over'. Politicians are great at this, turning verbs into nouns. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weirdcal Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 Current favourite is a 'total expense ratio' for a piece of work to be carried out. ie what is the cost 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KiwiDB Posted June 18, 2014 Share Posted June 18, 2014 The word "advise" no longer looks like a word to me, I've seen it so much. Or as the Indian team phrase it, "please advice". "I'm just putting that out there." Slightly different, but used to work for a Ship management company with loads of arsehole ex-seafarers, emailed a guy to check something with him, he replied "Case resolved, please stand down". Has anyone else ever heard "Do the needful?", it was a staple of that company. When I worked in the Middle East, the Indians would always say "can you do the needful". As a Project Manager I certainly wouldn't use any of these phrases. Absolutely not. You'd be the worst of the lot I reckon 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Easy Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Got told we need to work "smarter" today, a little bit of me died. He followed it up with "smarter not harder", so I let him off. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jack Burton Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Deep dive is the one I really hate and unfortunately its used all the time in my work. If you work in finance then the corporate bull is unavoidable especially the American banks. Some folk really buy into and can speak fluent corporate nonsense. Our company has its own internal version of facebook and its full of posts like that. I have no idea what the point of half the posts are and I doubt the person writting it even knows doesn't stop another 4 or 5 arseholes liking the status though. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raidernation Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 Not sure if anyone remembers but I posted a while back about one of the motivational tools used by my former employers was the film 300 and how we had to be "warriors" Just got a call today from someone who started the same day as we (she's kept in touch) to say only one of our group of 12 is still there. she said her final straw was when the boss told everyone "unless you are survivors like "the 300" in the film you will not succeed........". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~~~ Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 people who either walk over to you or phone to say "did you get my e-mail?" Well did you get an Undeliverable or Out of Office message back? No? That means I got it dickwad. And if you haven't had a reply, it means I've either been too snowed under with stuff I regard as more urgent, or it's a complete irrelevance that I'm going to do my level best never to respond to at all. Either way, speaking to me about it isn't going to get you a response any quicker (or at all). Guilty pleasure of mine is when someone emails you with a read receipt attached. I always click no. It pisses off one particular person in my office, even though she can see me from my desk. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HTG Posted June 19, 2014 Share Posted June 19, 2014 "Kicking the whale down the beach". Nuff said. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
banana Posted June 20, 2014 Share Posted June 20, 2014 "Kicking the whale down the beach". Nuff said. Whit? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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