MEADOWXI Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Here's the apprentice quote for anyone who missed it: "The trailblazer is a fully managed and implemented business growth campaign that starts with a focused base camp to remove the clouds from our client's business growth mountain so they can clearly see the summit we are aiming for." I think if someone stood in front of me and said that I would struggle not to club them to death. I think they would struggle to get to the end of the sentence if I was there as by the time they got to 'focused base camp', a kick in the pie would have been administered. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DensParkNumber1 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 I now hear an increasing amount of colleagues wondering whether problems are 'showstoppers' or not. This. Every project in IT seems togo like this Were having some difficulties implementing the new Software/Hardware/Protocols but the good news is that it isnt a show stopper! and should be finished only a week behind schedule" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 This. Every project in IT seems togo like this Were having some difficulties implementing the new Software/Hardware/Protocols but the good news is that it isnt a show stopper! and should be finished only a week behind schedule" "User Interface Facilitator Products" surely? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
odd davie Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Low hanging fruit. Always suggests to me something pendulous and mildly nauseating. "We'll deep dive on that data source" always has me tempted to jump off a chair holding my nose. I'm not a fu*king submarine. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Just reading some council strategy that has a "KPI to deliver a range of shovel ready projects". Coined by an architect probably looking for 'low hanging fruit' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Just reading some council strategy that has a "KPI to deliver a range of shovel ready projects". They must be expecting blizzards. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smpar Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 I've got a performance review at work, for which I've been given a small booklet about performance objectives etc. The whole thing is a painful, painful read, and it sounds like it was written by David Brent. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillonearth Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 I've got a performance review at work, for which I've been given a small booklet about performance objectives etc. The whole thing is a painful, painful read, and it sounds like it was written by David Brent. Boss asked to schedule a meeting with me last week, and when I asked what it was about told me it was to do with my mid year review. "Didn't we just do this about a fortnight ago?" "Aah, we did, but this is the next bit of it..." By the time we finish the mid year process, it'll be time for the fucking annual report. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Fifer Posted November 14, 2015 Share Posted November 14, 2015 I recently had a burst pipe disaster in the flat and have been dealing with the repercussions for the boy that lives below me. I've been in contact with him and his land lord frequently, but every email he sends includes the phrase "touch base". Considering letting the bath overflow. That'll show the c**t. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raidernation Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 Apparently we have to "centrifuge conceptual approaches to collectivized strategies for learning" in our grade level meetings. Nope? Me neither. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
banana Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 Apparently we have to "centrifuge conceptual approaches to collectivized strategies for learning" in our grade level meetings. Nope? Me neither. Fucking christ, I'd fire anyone who came out with that. The sacked way and then barbecued way. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
banana Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 ^^^^recently sent his CV to ISIS. ISIS corporate speak interview tips thread for this pish. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gordon EF Posted November 18, 2015 Share Posted November 18, 2015 Allah-ded value. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ilostmyself Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 Got told someone will cascade results in an email to me. He said it about 3 times and I'm still not sure what I'm going to be sent. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angelic Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Director: "yeah I think we'll fudge the shares." Me: "yeah?" Director: "yeah, just fudge them." *director walks away* Help. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightswoodBear Posted December 15, 2015 Share Posted December 15, 2015 Director: "yeah I think we'll fudge the shares." Me: "yeah?" Director: "yeah, just fudge them." *director walks away* Help. He meant "share the Fudges". He's talking about the box of Cadbury's Heroes someone brought in. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ross. Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 Sent an email this morning asking for an update on something I'm trying to work on, but can't until another department provides what they need to. Reply I got was "Still chasing for further info - will advise once we have more colour". New one for me. Probably on here already but I can't be fucked searching for it. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BFTD Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 Sent an email this morning asking for an update on something I'm trying to work on, but can't until another department provides what they need to. Reply I got was "Still chasing for further info - will advise once we have more colour". New one for me. Probably on here already but I can't be fucked searching for it. That'll be that Celtic poster with the coloured wife, waiting for HR to meet diversity requirements. Bless. It's a small world after all. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 That'll be that Celtic poster with the coloured wife, waiting for HR to meet diversity requirements. Bless. It's a small world after all. I believe she's a bit of a goaer. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
banana Posted January 8, 2016 Share Posted January 8, 2016 (edited) ^^^ reported for racism I was recently reading at a press release from two large tech/consulting companies announcing a strategic alliance. This alliance has very obvious nefarious intentions (mass surveillance, probably for NSA, possibly illegal), so the release was paragraph after paragraph after paragraph of absolute culsterfucking of business-speak bullshittery and diversion, and intentional vagueness. For your reading pleasure: http://www.splunk.com/view/booz-allen-hamilton-and-splunk-announce-strategic-alliance-to-deliver-predictive-security-analytics-and-operationalize-threat-intelligence/SP-CAAAPB7 Edited January 8, 2016 by banana 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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