Football issues you're sick of hearing about

[Estragon]

It seems to be the way of football journalism these days to take an issue like a terrier would a rat - proceeding to shake it in a prolonged and violent manner until there's nothing left. Within the construct of this analogy I previously had an unspecified interest in the rat - and now it's been worried down to a wee, red mess of what would appear to be string - my interest dies with it.

But I digress. What issues would you wish they would just shut the f**k about (possible Chick Young sub-thread upcoming...)

1. Who owns Rangers? My father still loves to gawk at the Rangers saga. Excitedly he'll phone me up from time to time with the same lustre as I can only imagine White Rose Killie still approaches the fiasco to update me with the most recent developments. In fact, PM me your number WRK, I'll pass it on to him

2. The merits of plastic pitches. My only opinion on this subject is that I'd rather hit myself with a blunt object rather than hear the same purely speculative opinions being regurgitated.

3. Qatar World Cup. I'm genuinely intrepid about this upcoming press bukkake session. Early signs would suggest we're in for a constant barrage of outrage lasting around five years - with it's epicentre placed on the summer before it happens. I'll say it first...England would have won that thing if it had been played in a normal climate... It has been fun watching skinhead fans of shite teams like Leicester City suddenly get on their high horse about gay rights...albeit nobody's mentioned Russia yet.

4. Brian Clough anecdotes. There are former footballers, long-retired, who have made a post-career career telling the same stories about this man ad nauseam. I read his autobiography when I was about seventeen - it was excellent. The stories were entertaining. I didn't need to hear Jon McGovern prattle on about them for the next millennium. He had a show at Edinburgh once. Fucking grave robber.

5. Steven Gerrard's ageing process. Is Steven Gerrard past it? Has Steven Gerrard got anything left? Steven Gerrard may have cost Liverpool the title. Steven Gerrard won't sign another contract at Anfield. Steven Gerrard's last Merseyside derby. Steven Gerrard's last game against Man Utd. This is Steven Gerrard's last chance to win the FA Cup. Steven Gerrard's last game at Stamford Bridge. Steven Gerrard's last game at Anfield. Steven Gerrard likes melted cheese....but will he have it again? This c**t's had more goodbyes than Tony fucking Bennett. I can't decide whether I hate him more because of his torn-faced mousey brown expression - or because his entire life has become a simulacrum for my own mortality. We are all inescapably dying - Steven Gerrard and his ilk are supposed to be a distraction from this immutable fact - not a reminder. Moribund pish, IS should just fucking kidnap him and get it over with.

[Albino Rover]

1. Video technology- "they've got it in Rugby, they've got it in tennis..."; "the time delays would ruin the pace of the game..." the debate is exactly the same as it was ten years ago- nobody has anything new to say about it since, the pros and cons haven't changed, yet pundits still insist on taking it apart forensically every time a contentious decision is made.

2. Players enjoying football in their private lives- a non-issue-come-public-scandal. Whether it's Niall McGinn and Leigh Griffiths trying to support their teams, or Stevie Lawless gambling on matches, both the press and the authorities have a virulent obsession with trying to disgrace and smear players' names just for taking an interest in football outside of playing it. It doesn't stop them doing their job to the best of the ability, in fact, it's the opposite- a sign that they love the game. We should encourage that, rather than sucking the life and soul out the game.

3. Ann Budge- Ms. Budge is clearly running Hearts very well but she gets way too big a share of the credit: there are chairpeople all over Scottish football, who are doing brilliantly at their clubs, who can go a full season without a mention in the media. Let's hear it for Kenny Cameron, Steve Brown, etc.

4. Manuel Neuer- whenever Bayern or Germany are on the telly, as soon as this guy gets a touch of the ball the commentator will jump at the chance to remind us the sun shines out of his arse, obligatorily using the phrase "sweeper keeper" at least half a dozen times per game. You can argue that he's one of the best goalies in the world but Clive Tildsley's obsession with him is worrying.

5. Gareth Bale (and other artificial transfer gossip)- a big, boring, meaningless media brouhaha, organised by people who couldn't care less about the game. I hope the "Bale unhappy" headlines, orchestrated by an agent with his eyes on a new Ferrari, end up in a move to Swansea and a massive wage cut.

[Mr Bairn]

1. The lack of black managers

2. The lack of black managers

3. The lack of black managers

4. The lack of black managers

5. The lack of black managers

[AsimButtHitsASix]

1- Television Evidence/Replays - Adequately covered above yet I never hear any pundits talk about the negative (of which there are many)

2- "Hipster's Choice" - See Athletic Bilbao, Athletico Madrid, Dortmund, Colombia, South Korea... any team that plays dynamic, quick, attacking football but wins f**k all (or looks like they're gonna win f**k all) are suddenly the "hipster's choice". Naw. It's just people like watching exciting teams. It's not someone trying to seem edgy or cool because they're watching some unheard of foreign team.

3- League reconstruction - No matter who you are, no matter what set up you want, you are NEVER gonna get it. Be gone with ye'

4- Too many foreign players - They've been at this for 20 years now for f**k's sake

5- Steven Gerrard

[Romeo]

The Old Firm joining the English Premiership Zzzzzzzzz

There is no old firm, so that won't happen.

1. The new Rangers

2. Roy Hodgson

3. Gerrard

4- Messi/Ronald, who is the best...who give a f**k

5. St Mirren FC

[mrcat1990]

1. Celtic fans proclaiming the Old Firm doesn't exist.

2. Plastic pitch debate.

3. Complaints about referees.

4. What's the best league in the world.

5. Messi v Ronaldo.

[WhiteRoseKillie]

All the above, to be fair. Pluuusss...

1. English play-offs. "This is the biggest game in football - the Championship pay-off final!" I don't give a fúck if the winners get a place in the EPL, £500 million and a go at Pippa Middleton each, it's still a game between two sides not good enough to get out of the Second Division.

2. Pronunciation of foreign team/player names. Exemplified by "Meeelan" - either it's Milan, or it's Milano. Fúckwits.

3. Players having the occasional drink or cigarette. Cruyff, Baxter, Socrates, Johnstone - just imagine how good they'd have been if they'd looked after themselves, eh? I'd guess just about exactly the same.

4. Rubbishing of the Scottish game. Especially by those paid to promote it, who have spent the last three years bending their own rules to destruction in order to ensure everybody knows that cheats can, and indeed, will, prosper. While totally failing to obtain any kind of sponsorship deal.

5. Squad rotation, and those poor wee players getting "tired" - the same athletic powerhouses who are so much fitter, faster and stronger than the old boys who also had to put up with the occasional proper tackle, while winning leagues and competing (actually competing) in Europe while using fifteen or less players in a season.

[Jupiter Jazz]

1. The average age of the Forfar team.

2. Airdrie's pricing structure.

3. The state of Cliftonhill.

4. Standard of referees.

5. That fecking Caley handball.

[1320Lichtie]

1. The average age of the Forfar team.

Tbf aren't they pretty old?

[Jupiter Jazz]

Tbf aren't they pretty old?

Yes and i'm sick of hearing about it!

[itzdrk]

Summer football

That abomination down south

Messi/Ronaldo argument

League reconstruction

Brora Rangers denying ambitious clubs a place in the league

[itzdrk]

Yes and i'm sick of hearing about it!

A combined age of what now?

[tamthebam]

Summer football

That abomination down south

Messi/Ronaldo argument

League reconstruction

Brora Rangers denying ambitious clubs a place in the league

but they are! especially when they win penalty shoot-outs, the swines!

1) Champions league - I just find it boring. Would prefer it was a random knock out competition like the FA Cup.

2) Who should be in the Engerlund squad

3) "The Juniors are better than the Lowland League clubs" pish (and vice versa I suppose I'd better say)

4) Guards of honour for winning the League. City actually got one on more than one occasion after we won the League but I wasn't too bothered whether we got one or not tbh.

5) Steven Gerard. Over-rated. I don't suppose Real Madrid ever waved a large amount of money in front of Liverpool's noses to prise him away from Anfield at any point...

[Kryptonite]

1. Sky Sports' scrutiny of everything. Perhaps epitomized by having a brain surgeon on to talk about whether RVP could've been killed by Ashley Williams in 2012.

2. The hate for Borussia Dortmund. Apparently everyone who likes Dortmund are hipsters. I like them due to Klopp and playing some excellent football a few years. The "a ticket for an SPL game will get you 147 Dortmund season ticket patter" is tedious.

3. Moaning about attendances. 2,000 at Inverness-Kilmarnock on a Tuesday evening in December. Scandal. Give it a break, no-one gives a f**k.

4. The coverage of Rangers. "Dave King panned one in the Murray Park toilets: EXCLUSIVE!". It was boring 2 years ago.

5. Andy Townsend. Guy is nowhere near as bad as Andy Walker.

[Zanetti]

2. Pronunciation of foreign team/player names. Exemplified by "Meeelan" - either it's Milan, or it's Milano. Fúckwits.

Wrong, the club is called Milan even in Italy and Italians do pronounce it Meelan. Although I do agree with your general point!

[ChineseMan]

2. Pronunciation of foreign team/player names. Exemplified by "Meeelan" - either it's Milan, or it's Milano. Fúckwits.

That doesn't just happen with foreign teams tbf e.g Dindee, Smurn, Hamilton Accieeeees.

West Coast fuckwits.

[Raidernation]

Cockwomble

Sevco

Reconstruction

Charging for playoffs

Rasellickbyrawaybigmandeilasgonnawin20inarowscottbrownisgodvirgilvanlesbian

[WullieBroonIsGod]

The Rangers saga. Could not give a f**k what Dave King is saying. Just tell me when they're deid again.

Is Messi the greatest ever? Impossible to judge over different eras, move on.

Steven Gerrard. This will be particularly awful today as the Liverpool fans can have yet another candlelit vigil and Sky Sports will go overboard on the coverage.

The "next big thing " hype. We've had Raheem Sterling and Harry Kane this season. Recently it's been Walcott and if you go far enough back, Francis Jeffers.

Spanish football in general. Loads of sky coverage but to me it's a league of diving, cheating b*****ds

[Kejan]

1. Punters acting like pundits - stop copying the shite you hear on TV or a podcast, and just watch the game.

2. Fickle fans - from wanting manager's sacked after 2 losses to complaing about loyality. No player loves your club enough to stay (unless it's a massive club). They'll go where the cash is. Deal with it.

3. 'We' - saying we about a club outwith your country. It's bad enough hearing Jocks saying this for an English club, but I heard last year a 'We' for Barceafuckinglona.

4. Cliches, puns, and scripts - probably hard to avoid for a commentator at times when trying to describe a game for 90 minutes, but this is aimed especially at Sam Matterface (who obviously writes pre-match puns and ends up sounding like Partridge). Horrific listening. Especially so on talkSHITE.

5. Wages - yes, they are paid a lot, too much even, but what are you going to do about it? Zilch. Just moan, and watch Stoke - QPR on your Sky dish next weekend as usual.

[BigMartyn86]

Players being hounded for doing something legal like smoking, drinking, laughing gas from a balloon or whatever it is.

James Horncastle.

Sky all of a sudden taking a interest in a league just because they've got the rights for it. The MLS is pish.

Punters who give a player pelters all game but go mental when the player gives them some back.

Players being done for betting on games in a different league/country from where their team play in.