The joke thread: a thread for camaraderie and hilarity

[welshbairn]

1 hour ago, Sweaty Morph said:

 

Really? What joke was reported?

 

The one about the Rhino and tomato I hope.

[topcat(The most tip top)]

The one about Hitler raping the deaf nun with a horse's cock possibly.

And quite rightly too

The spelling was atrocious

[The Mantis]

On 3/8/2017 at 15:46, deej said:

What do a rhino and a tomato have in common?

  Reveal hidden contents

Neither can ride a bike

 

I just assumed it was the last letter. A bit like Winnie the Pooh and Jack the Ripper having the same middle name.

[Cerberus]

A woman had been taking golf lessons when just as she began her first solo game she was stung by a bee. The pain was so intense that she couldn't continue and decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.

Her golf coach saw her entering the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back so soon? What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Your stance is too wide."

[aa75]

Used to run a donkey sanctuary, but had to give it up as it made me hee haw.

[Richie95]

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays." 

 

[Wilky1878]

Two young boys decide that they are old enough to begin using swear words, so they hatch a plan...

"Today at breakfast, I'm going to use the words 'hell' and 'damn', and I want you to use the word 'ass' ". Then they procede down to the breakfast table.

Their mother asks, "What do you boys want for breakfast?"

The first boy quickly replies, "Aw hell, just give me some damn Cheerios!"

Their mother immediately slaps him, scolds him, and sends him up to his room. She then glares at the other boy and asks him what he wants.

After a moment he replies, "I dunno, but you can bet your fat ass it's not going to be Cheerios!"

[GordonD]

When the P&B website was down a couple of days ago, I filled in time by chatting to the wife. Turns out she doesn't work in Woolworth's any more...

[JustOneCornetto]

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Spoiler

I'll tell you tomorrow

 

[GordonD]

A woman was walking her dog along the beach (don't worry, she was clearing up after it) when she spotted a strangely-shaped bottle that had been washed up by the tide. She picked it up and pulled out the cork. There was a sudden puff of green smoke and a genie appeared.

"Free at last!" he cried triumphantly, then looked at the woman. "For releasing me, I shall grant you one wish!"

The woman said, "Well, it's always been my dream for my dog to win Best in Show at Cruft's!"

The genie looked at the dog. It was a hideous-looking thing, with only one eye and great patches of fur missing. It clearly wasn't the most intelligent of creatures either. The genie said, "Alas, I fear this may be beyond even my powers. To make this dog win Cruft's would drain so much of my magical energy that I would be left powerless and vulnerable to my enemies while it restored itself. I beseech you, choose something else!"

The woman thought for a moment. "Well, my husband is a Celtic supporter. Can you remove that smug expression from his face?"

The genie said, "Lemme see the dog again..."

[Cerberus]

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended.
The tailor asks: “Euripides?”
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

[welshbairn]

41 minutes ago, Cerberus said:

A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended.
The tailor asks: “Euripides?”
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

βοώ βοώ

[8MileBU]

Desperate for her hole and her husbands affections, a woman decides to try tempt her husband by cooking him his favourite dinner and wearing a short skirt without any knickers.

After dinner he sat down in his chair to read the paper and she sat on the couch opposite him, with her legs apart.

After a few moments, the husband looked up from the paper a little excited and spluttered "You're not wearing any knickers are you?!"

"Noooo" purred the woman seductively.

"Thank f**k for that..." said the husband. "I thought the couch had burst!"

[GordonD]

Woman goes to her doctor to say that her husband has lost his appetite for sex. The doctor says, "Well, I really need to examine him, I can't diagnose anything without him being here."

The woman says, "Oh, but doctor, there's no way I'll ever get him to come and see you - he refuses to accept that he has a problem!"

The doctor says, "Well, it's unethical but there are some new tablets that are being trialled. If it got back to the Medical Council that I had issued these to you without your husband's knowledge I'd be struck off. So keep quiet about this!" And he gives her a small bottle of pills. "Come back in a week and tell me how things went."

A week later the woman comes back. The doctor asks her, "Are you happy with the results?"

"Well, yes and no," she says. "I knew he would refuse to take any tablets because he doesn't think he has a problem, so when he wasn't looking I popped one into his coffee. He drank it then got a funny look on his face, then he grabbed me by the wrist, pushed me face down onto the table, ripped off my knickers and did me doggy-style."

"Sounds like they had the desired effect," says the doctor. "But you say you're not entirely happy?"

"Well, no," says the woman. "We're now barred from every Starbucks in the world."

[jagfox]

On 08/03/2017 at 19:27, Sweaty Morph said:

 

Really? What joke was reported?

 

Spoiler

The class are all sitting at their desks and the teacher calls for silence. She asks the class what their parents do for a living and wants them to spell it out, so she starts with little Emily, "Emily, what does you're father do for a job?" ...."errrrm he's a doctor, miss!" "Ok, Emily....can you spell that out in you're book?" ....."Yes, Miss says Emily....D...O...C...T...O...R, Doctor!" "Excellent, Emily well done!"
She then turns to Billy and asks the same question, "My Dads a constable in the police force!" "Ok, Billy...can you spell constable?" "Yes, Miss....C....U...." "ummm I'm going to stop you there billy, says the teacher, think harder and try again, Billy" "errrm C....U....." "No!! Please Billy think about that for a moment and try and write it in you're exercise book" the teacher then turns to Little Johnny and asks the same question as before "Yes miss my Dad works for Ladbrokes" "I see, Johnny" says the teacher....."Can you spell Ladbrokes, Johnny?" ....."No, miss I can't tbh, but I'll give you 3-1 on that Billy's just written c**t in his exercise book " 

It wasn't particularly funny, tbf.

[jagfox]

A lad asks his Dad during dinner, 'Why did you call my sister Teresa?'

'Well, your mum really likes Easter and the letters of Easter make up that name.'

'How did I get my name Dad?'

'Enough of the questions Alan, now eat your dinner!.'

[Richie95]

I have spent the last two weeks sitting on a large hard book.  It was my annual holiday. 

[Wilky1878]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.

I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.”

[The Mantis]

This guy was in the hospital, all linked up to drips and tubes. A woman was visiting the guy in the next bed and got talking to him, and asked what had happened to him.

"Well", he says. It was because I was on this dog food diet. For 12 weeks all I had was a tin of dog food twice a day plus some dog biscuits if I felt hungry".

"Oh right" she says. "So you're in here because the diet poisoned your system and ruined your health?"

"No, I'm in here because I was licking my balls in the middle of the road and I got hit by a delivery van".

[ICTJohnboy]

Another guy was in the hospital awaiting the results of a doctor's examination. Eventually he appears and tells the guy he has good news and bad news.  Oh, I see, says the guy - what's the bad news? 

Doctor replies that both his feet will have to be amputated. 

OMG, says the guy - what's the good news?

Well, there's a guy in the next but one bed who would like to buy your shoes.