Cerberus Posted May 3, 2017 Share Posted May 3, 2017 I bought a new TV for the English Championship playoffs but it came with no leeds. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted May 5, 2017 Share Posted May 5, 2017 A man wakes up the morning after a party with a pounding hangover and only vague memories of what happened the previous night. The only relatively clear image in his mind is that the house where the party was had a golden toilet. This seems so unlikely that he dismisses it as just his imagination, but the image won't go away and he finally decides that the only way to settle the matter is to go back to the house and check. The problem is that he can't remember the address - he doesn't even know the name of the people who hosted the party as he was having a drink in the pub when he got chatting to some strangers who were on their way to it, and they invited him along. The only clue is that the house was within walking distance of the pub, so he goes there and starts walking the streets until he finally finds one that looks vaguely familiar. He's about to go up to the door when he realises that asking the householder if he has a golden toilet is going to make him look really stupid, so he comes up with a plan to get himself invited into the house, then ask to use the toilet and see for himself. So he goes up to the door and rings the bell. After a few moments the door is opened by a man who looks as if he's just got out of bed. Before the visitor can speak, the householder grabs him by the lapels and shouts, "You! You're the b*****d who shat in my tuba!" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hellbhoy Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 My nephew years ago acted like a complete fanny and started to get aggressive so I eventually said to him "Do you want to go outside?", he then stood up and walked out the front door to which I then slammed the front door shut behind him. He then shouted from outside why wasn't I outside fighting with him to which my next reply was "I asked you if you wanted to go outside and you went outside, so who's the stupid fuckwit then?". Everybody who was in the house at the time pished themselves laughing at his stupidity, he eventually seen the funny side to it. Still a c**t though my nephew. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 1 minute ago, hellbhoy said: My nephew years ago acted like a complete fanny and started to get aggressive so I eventually said to him "Do you want to go outside?", he then stood up and walked out the front door to which I then slammed the front door shut behind him. He then shouted from outside why wasn't I outside fighting with him to which my next reply was "I asked you if you wanted to go outside and you went outside, so who's the stupid fuckwit then?". Everybody who was in the house at the time pished themselves laughing at his stupidity, he eventually seen the funny side to it. Still a c**t though my nephew. He'll be alright once he leaves school. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hellbhoy Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 Just now, GordonD said: He'll be alright once he leaves school. He was in his 20's at the time and thought he was a hard man. And he left school early because he wanted to be a fanny with his pals. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 A funnier ending would have been that you leathered the wee c**t. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 39 minutes ago, Cerberus said: A funnier ending would have been that you leathered the wee c**t. And then boasted about it in the pub, the way Celtic fans think winning the league again is anything of an achievement. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hellbhoy Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 53 minutes ago, Cerberus said: A funnier ending would have been that you leathered the wee c**t. One day it eventually came to fisticuffs. It was a one sided affair with his face stopping my punches smashing the concrete floor. His nose took a right beating until he gave in. I don't believe in violence but it can so often be the last resort to settle a matter. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hellbhoy Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 18 minutes ago, GordonD said: And then boasted about it in the pub, the way Celtic fans think winning the league again is anything of an achievement. FFS?, that was just about spot on Gordon with the pub bit. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 29 minutes ago, hellbhoy said: One day it eventually came to fisticuffs. It was a one sided affair with his face stopping my punches smashing the concrete floor. His nose took a right beating until he gave in. I don't believe in violence but it can so often be the last resort to settle a matter. It's the Celtic family way. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hellbhoy Posted May 6, 2017 Share Posted May 6, 2017 Just now, welshbairn said: It's the Celtic family way. Aye, right. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ICTJohnboy Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 I used to love this thread when people posted jokes on it. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 A paedo is taking a wee boy into the woods in the dead of night. The wee boy says "I'm scared". The paedo replies... "How do you think I feel? I've got to come back on my own". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted May 7, 2017 Share Posted May 7, 2017 A cannibal goes up to a paedo at the beach and says "will you get out of my lunch please?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fae_the_'briggs Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 I was out for a stroll along a quiet path this morning when a smart female jogger ran past me. About thirty yards past me she started to stagger about then she collapsed. When I got to her she was out cold so I decided to try and resuscitate her. I loosened some of her tight clothing, put my lips to hers and breathed in and out. After about thirty seconds she came round and sat up. "What are you doing" she asked. "Trying to resuscitate you" replies I. " But you're supposed to blow in my mouth lips not my pussy lips" she said. I replied "I don't know why you're making such a fuss, it fucking worked didn't it." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 What did the slug say to the snail? Big Issue sir? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DI Bruce Robertson Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 Why was Jeffrey Dahmers penis frost-bitten?Cos he always had head in the fridge. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stimpy Posted May 14, 2017 Share Posted May 14, 2017 Baby polar bear says to his sister"Am I pure polar bear?""Of course you are""No but really, really polar bear?""I said yes, go ask mum if you're no happy"So off he goes to mum."Mum am I pure polar bear?""Of course you are""No but really really polar bear?""I told you you were no stop bothering me and go harass your dad"So off he goes to see his dad."Dad am I pure polar bear?""Of course you are son""No but really really polar bear?""Yes, really really""Aye but there's no grizzly bear or brown bear in the family?""No, you're pure polar bear right back""But dad......""Listen son I've told you you're pure polar bear now what the hell is the matter?""I'm fuckin' freezin'" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 My dad used to work in a clock factory. He would sit in the corner making faces. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life. Then one day the driver asked the philosopher if he was willing to swap places for just one evening. The philosopher agreed and for a while the driver handled himself remarkably well. However when it came to question time someone at the back asked him 'Is the epistemological meta-narrative that you seem to espouse compatible with the teleological account of the Universe?' 'That's an extremely simple question', he replied, 'so simple,in fact. that even my driver could answer it'. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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