The Family Feuds Thread

[Hedgecutter]

A place for reminding folk that not all families are the constantly rosy groups that we see on TV, and that some of us aren't alone in certain woes.  Have you ever disowned a family member?  Been disowned? Caught up as a pawn in a nasty divorce?*  Relationship with siblings trashed over something petty or a parent's will? Managed to reunite with somebody after years of not talking? All of the above?  "It helps to talk" some say.

 

*my own case that's still causing me bother, which unfortunately can't be summarised in anything other than tl;dr fashion:

 

My mum despises my dad.  Following an ugly divorce, he reportedly tried to pay as little child support as possible before eventually moving to Australia permanently and not paying anything.  

However... I don't hate him enough to disown him completely, and it's an issue that has formed a rift between me and my mum for over 20 years now.  She stopped talking to me for a good while a few years ago after I refused to disown him (unlike my younger brother), and she'll always say "I can't understand why you want anything to do with him"; "can't you see how much it hurts me"; "none of my friends can understand either" etc etc. We got talking again, but I can't help but feel it's still a fragile relationship. Maybe I'm a horrible selfish person? Maybe it's a classic case of parental alienation with me stuck in the middle?

Before he left when I was about 17, I used to spend every second weekend with him, and I enjoyed it, particularly the outdoor stuff.  A lot, if not most of my interests stem back to those times, and I value a lot of the non-financial side.  What I didn't enjoy however was coming home to the Sunday night interrogation from my mum, and there's still harboured resentment there.

My mum also thinks that he'll never come back to the UK because he'll be arrested for past non-payment, although the UK and Australia have been reciprocating jurisdictions when it comes to chasing such issues, so I'm somewhat suspicious of such a claim.  A constant niggle for me though is that my mum's mum told me that he did more for us than my mum makes out (my mum doesn't know this). There are also some other accounts that I know are somewhat exaggerated. As such, I can't fully trust the word of either parent.

He's been back twice anyway, and I've seen him both times.  However, my mum doesn't know this, and as such it makes me nervy, even just the thought of the two of them in the same country at the same time.  I get visibly upset when parting ways though.  He'll phone most months, something my mum rarely does (in her world I go to her, like she was with her mum).

I only bring this up now as I'll have a fortnight to myself shortly with nothing planned and would happily go to Australia for the first time ever, but am afraid of rocking the boat so far that it'll tip over and sink. I should be my own person, but I'm still shackled to the fallout from their divorce, and don't know what to do.  I could easily end up in the situation where I'd be in touch with my dad but not my mum, and that would be the wrong situation to be in seeing as she did the most for me, raising me as a single parent without other family around. 

Edited November 12, 2022 by Hedgecutter

[Melanius Mullarkey]

Thankfully, most of my family are either dead or dont care about each other.

Its for the best. 

[Florentine_Pogen]

I was adopted and am an only child. I have no-one to feud with.

Have I missed out on the fun of internecine warfare my whole life ?

[Barry Ferguson's Hat]

My uncle shagged the wrong aunt and now Christmases are unpleasant. 

[welshbairn]

1 minute ago, Florentine_Pogen said:

I was adopted and am an only child. I have no-one to feud with.

Have I missed out on the fun of internecine warfare my whole life ?

You should track down your birth parents and start a feud with them, no reason for you to miss out..

[Florentine_Pogen]

Just now, welshbairn said:

You should track down your birth parents and start a feud with them, no reason for you to miss out..

Oh, that ship sailed many, many years ago. Biological parents are both deceased.

[welshbairn]

13 minutes ago, Hedgecutter said:

I only bring this up now as I'll have a fortnight to myself shortly with nothing planned and would happily go to Australia for the first time ever, but am afraid of rocking the boat so far that it'll tip over and sink.

Tell your Mum you're going to Austria on holiday, if she ever finds out just say she must have misheard you.

[Melanius Mullarkey]

9 minutes ago, Barry Ferguson's Hat said:

My uncle shagged the wrong aunt and now Christmases are unpleasant. 

We've all been there.

[Hedgecutter]

4 minutes ago, welshbairn said:

Tell your Mum you're going to Austria on holiday, if she ever finds out just say she must have misheard you.

And if there are any questions about the mysterious tan, it came from reflection off the snow on the slopes of Kitzbühel (where I was skiing in a t-shirt).

[welshbairn]

1 minute ago, Hedgecutter said:

And if there are any questions about the mysterious tan, it came from reflection off the snow on the slopes of Kitzbühel (where I was skiing in a t-shirt).

I got sunburnt from skiing in Norway years ago..

[Bigmouth Strikes Again]

Got a sister who I'd happily never see again, unfortunately the scum sucking piece of pondlife will show up when the old dear croaks it, for her share of the cash.

Pretty sure she's a psychopath as well.

Thank you.

[Florentine_Pogen]

35 minutes ago, Melanius Mullarkay said:

We've all been there.

[Venti]

[scottsdad]

Loads on my wife's side of the family. Not much on mine. 

The weirdest one is my father-in-law. When I met my wife, her parents had divorced and her dad had remarried. The new wife (an old family friend) was, and is, possibly the nastiest woman I have ever met. By the time I came on to the scene, my father-in-law didn't speak to his two youngest daughters. He phoned his son twice a year, and saw my wife quite regularly. 

Whilst the blame here has always been put on to the new wife, he is a grown man. For years there was a feeling of "he'd talk to us if he wasn't with her". That has passed now, I think. 

Anyway, for years we saw them every week. It was unpleasant, but we went along so that my wife could maintain a relationship with her dad. He was, to me, a nice guy. 

One memory I have is my daughter's naming ceremony (a kind of non-religious christening). He came with his wife and sat in a corner. His grandkids from his youngest daughter were playing on the floor next to him and he was just blanking them. 

4 years ago or thereabouts, one sister asked my wife to approach them to see if a reconciliation was possible. My wife broached the subject and her step-mother said no. And then they ghosted us. There's no other way of saying it. Calls/texts went unanswered. We haven't seen or heard from them since. 

We have heard he is in hospital. Last week his kids and grandkids were there visiting their mum. In the same hospital. But none went to see him. 

[Harry Briscoe Esq]

Not so much a feud as sheer indifference. I'm in my late sixties and my 3 older brothers have had absolutely zero interest or influence in my life. I stopped dutifully going to family events many years ago as it was never reciprocated. Am I a bad person for thinking I have no obligation to go to the funerals of people who  care not a jot for me when they start popping their logs. As a teenager the only influence or example they gave me In life was bad.

[TxRover]

11 minutes ago, Harry Briscoe Esq said:

Not so much a feud as sheer indifference. I'm in my late sixties and my 3 older brothers have had absolutely zero interest or influence in my life. I stopped dutifully going to family events many years ago as it was never reciprocated. Am I a bad person for thinking I have no obligation to go to the funerals of people who  care not a jot for me when they start popping their logs. As a teenager the only influence or example they gave me In life was bad.

No, and anyone encouraging you to go, in these circumstances, is a hypocrite.

[RH33]

1 hour ago, Hedgecutter said:

A place for reminding folk that not all families are the constantly rosy groups that we see on TV, and that some of us aren't alone in certain woes.  Have you ever disowned a family member?  Been disowned? Caught up as a pawn in a nasty divorce?*  Relationship with siblings trashed over something petty or a parent's will? Managed to reunite with somebody after years of not talking? All of the above?  "It's helps to talk" some say.

 

*my own case that's still causing me bother, which unfortunately can't be summarised in anything other than tl;dr fashion:

  Reveal hidden contents

My mum despises my dad.  Following an ugly divorce, he reportedly tried to pay as little child support as possible before eventually moving to Australia permanently and not paying anything.  

However... I don't hate him enough to disown him completely, and it's an issue that has formed a rift between me and my mum for over 20 years now.  She stopped talking to me for a good while a few years ago after I refused to disown him (unlike my younger brother), and she'll always say "I can't understand why you want anything to do with him"; "can't you see how much it hurts me"; "none of my friends can understand either" etc etc. We got talking again, but I can't help but feel it's still a fragile relationship. Maybe I'm a horrible selfish person? Maybe it's a classic case of parental alienation with me stuck in the middle?

Before he left when I was about 17, I used to spend every second weekend with him, and I enjoyed it, particularly the outdoor stuff.  A lot, if not most of my interests stem back to those times, and I value a lot of the non-financial side.  What I didn't enjoy however was coming home to the Sunday night interrogation from my mum, and there's still harboured resentment there.

My mum also thinks that he'll never come back to the UK because he'll be arrested for past non-payment, although the UK and Australia have been reciprocating jurisdictions when it comes to chasing such issues, so I'm somewhat suspicious of such a claim.  A constant niggle for me though is that my mum's mum told me that he did more for us than my mum makes out (my mum doesn't know this). There are also some other accounts that I know are somewhat exaggerated. As such, I can't fully trust the word of either parent.

He's been back twice anyway, and I've seen him both times.  However, my mum doesn't know this, and as such it makes me nervy, even just the thought of the two of them in the same country at the same time.  I get visibly upset when parting ways though.  He'll phone most months, something my mum rarely does (in her world I go to her, like she was with her mum).

I only bring this up now as I'll have a fortnight to myself shortly with nothing planned and would happily go to Australia for the first time ever, but am afraid of rocking the boat so far that it'll tip over and sink. I should be my own person, but I'm still shackled to the fallout from their divorce, and don't know what to do.  I could easily end up in the situation where I'd be in touch with my dad but not my mum, and that would be the wrong situation to be in seeing as she did the most for me, raising me as a single parent without other family around. 

Go see your dad. I hate it when kids are used as pawns between divorced parents. It doesn't sound like they divorced a couple of years ago either, must be tiring to hold such spite to another human being for so long as your mum does.

They are her issues, not yours. 

 

[Hedgecutter]

42 minutes ago, RH33 said:

Go see your dad. I hate it when kids are used as pawns between divorced parents. It doesn't sound like they divorced a couple of years ago either, must be tiring to hold such spite to another human being for so long as your mum does.

They are her issues, not yours. 

 

Even if it involves my mum cutting me off?  As much as having (what's effectively) one and a half parents isn't ideal, it's better than having only the half (located on the other side of the world).

The divorce was 26 years ago and he's been out the country over 20 now, but for whatever reason it's hitting really hard this week.

Tbf fair to her, my dad did some fairly nasty things, and the centre part of my mum's argument is very much: "how can you still like somebody who did those things to me?". She said that about my grandfather too who made a disparaging remark involving her once, but was fine taking me to see her openly racist mother.

I suppose it puts the whole 'you can choose your friends but not your family' thing to the test.

The somewhat ironic issue is that my step-dad doesn't see his kids because they weren't happy with the way he left their mother, and my mum thinks that it's terrible that they've disowned him (whilst trying to get me to do the same to my own father, albeit for different reasons).

Edited November 11, 2022 by Hedgecutter

[mathematics]

My aunt stabbed my uncle with a bread knife on Christmas Eve. Punctured his lung and he was in hospital for a wee while.

They’re still together.

[RH33]

25 minutes ago, Hedgecutter said:

Even if it involves my mum cutting-off?  As much as having (what's effectively) one and a half parents isn't ideal, it's better than having only the half (located on the other side of the world).

The divorce was 26 years ago and he's been out the country over 20 now, but for whatever reason it's hitting really hard this week.

Tbf fair to her, my dad did some fairly nasty things, and the centre part of my mum's argument is very much: "how can you still like somebody who did those things to me?". She said that about my grandfather too who made a disparaging remark involving her once, but was fine taking me to see her openly racist mother.

I suppose it puts the whole 'you can choose your friends but not your family' thing to the test.

The somewhat ironic issue is that my step-dad doesn't see his kids because they weren't happy with the way he left their mother, and my mum thinks that it's terrible that they've disowned him (whilst trying to get me to do the same to my own father).

So you're mum is remarried, is disgusted that his kids disowned him, but expects you to do the same.

As Larkin said "they f**k you up your mum and dad"...