Fae_the_'briggs

The building of the Great Wall of China was stopped when it was only 20% complete after Planning Regulators discovered it had been built 60cm higher than the size on the plans. Work was delayed for over 5 years while negotiations were held seeking retrospective planning permission for the wall to continue at the same height. After lengthy discussions and the mysterious disappearance of several Planning Officials it was agreed that the wall would continue at the existing height. It is a serious offence to skateboard or roller skate along the top of the Great Wall but cycling is permitted.

This newish caring attitude at the end of plays or soaps where a voice says "If you've been affected by the events in tonight's programme call our counselling line or the Samaritans." Get a grip, it's fiction and if you're that easily upset don't watch it.

Following rowdy demonstrations and a 50 signature petition being lodged opposing 100 wind turbines being built on the Isle of Skye, the developers, Trapped Wind Solutions, were finally granted permission to go ahead after they changed the plans to build the turbines to look like Dutch windmills.

Builders Merchant toilet fetish?

The reason behind the way a dartboard is numbered has prompted many theories but until 1910 the numbering on the boards was not uniform. Before that date there were no fixed numbers around the board, only the position of the inner bull and outer bull were constant. Before each match the players would take alternate turns at picking numbers 1 to 20 from a hat and as they were drawn the numbers were pinned around the board starting at the top and going clockwise. The match was completed with the numbers in that position. This procedure was repeated at the start of every match so the numbers were very rarely in the same position. Things changed at the 1910 World Masters Championship held in the back room of the Speckled Cock in Dewsbury where reigning champion Stan Whigmore met Alfie Crabbe in the Final. Both men had been darting and drinking all day and by the time the Final came round they were both pretty inebriated. It took them over an hour just to draw the numbers and pin them around the board as they kept nipping to the loo or the bar. Unfortunately by the time the numbering procedure had been completed the Speckled Cock's late licence time was up leaving no time to play the Final. The incident was widely reported in the Worlds sporting press and the Dewsbury Herald forcing the organisers, The World Darts, Dominoes and Table Skittles Federation to rethink the numbering policy. That's when the decision was made to have the boards numbered uniformly. As the unplayed Final was the last time that numbers had been drawn from a hat it was agreed that future dartboards would be numbered the way they had been drawn for that Final. All dartboards now use the Whigmore/Crabbe numbering system.

Reminds me of the old joke about the septic tank drainage lorry that had a sign which read: No stools left in this vehicle overnight.

Type 1 has put me right of my maltesers.

Movies for Men channel hardly has any "arousing" films on. When I went to report this at the Trades Description Office they were not very helpful even implying that I slept rough 'cos they dismissed me saying "nothing we can do so get lost you dosser". At least I think that's what it sounded like.

Sam Janus Womack's father was the owner of a firm that hired out fancy dress and sold toys. He had to abandon his early marketing slogan "HUGH JANUS FOR HIRE, TOY AND FANCY DRESS SPECIALIST, DISCOUNTS FOR GROUPS" when he was inundated with time-wasting calls from the Houses of Parliament and parts of Brighton.

We are probably still in 5th because the teams below us must be worse than we are which is saying something. Why should the Manager not be judged on games against Rangers and Hibs. If he chooses to play players out of position or leaves better qualified players on the bench then his judgement deserves to be questioned. Agree it is far too early to be calling for his head but I'll bet even the Chairman will be monitoring the situation closely. Most supporters actually pay money and travel long distances to go to games and don't have to peddle the Club line so they are within their rights to voice their concerns.

Channel 5 scheduling a night of old Christmas programmes/films last night and some more on again today. What's that all about? Taking the piss or what. BTW, what is the correct way to pronounce "schedule" ? I usually pronounce it like skedule but some folk say that is the American way and the correct way is to say it like shedule.

Felicity Kendal, she of the pert bottom and past winner of Rear of the Year, (ah wid) is heiress to the Kendal Mint Cake empire. The cake company was actually one of EH's sponsors on his Everest climb but withheld a large part of their money when Eccles Cake wrappers were found at base camp. These type of wrappers are not to be confused with the latest Eccles Cake advertisement which features lyrics sung by Eminem.

Although Sir Edmund Hilary received great acclaim as the first man to climb Mount Everest, the details of his descent are far less publicised, probably because he didn't actually make the descent. He was airlifted off the peak by helicopter suffering from altitude sickness and inflamed piles aggravated by wiping his arse with yellow snow. Through a sense of loyalty and a big bung of cash the other members of the climbing party agreed not to divulge this information which has only recently come to light under the freedom of information act.

A survey has, somewhat unsurprisingly, revealed that carrots are the most popular vegetable grown in convent gardens whilst another survey reveals that the nuns eat less carrots than other vegetables. They give most of them to the poor and needy you dirty minded lot.

Actress Lilian White decided to change her name after people started to use the phrase "going for a Lilian White" as rhyming slang for going to the toilet. Unfortunately she was ill-advised on the name she changed to as she became known as Lilian Gish.

Joseph Heller's book Catch 22 was originally only supposed to be called Catch. He was having trouble getting someone to publish it and was knocked back 21 times by various publishers. When he submitted it to another publisher he wrote 22 on the cover to remind himself it was his 22nd attempt. The publisher was so impressed by Heller's struggle to get the book published that he kept the 22 in the book's title.

Medical research has revealed that excessive masturbation can bring on a form of OCD which shows in the symptoms of the sufferers re-doing tasks which they have just completed.

Medical research has revealed that excessive masturbation can bring on a form of OCD which shows in the symptoms of the sufferers re-doing tasks which they have just completed.

Medical research has revealed that excessive masturbation can bring on a form of OCD which shows in the symptoms of sufferers re-doing tasks which they have just completed.

Medical research has revealed that excessive masturbation can bring on a form of OCD which shows in the symptoms of sufferers re-doing tasks which they have just completed.

The ostrich, "Cliffo", that was part of comedian Bernie Clifton's act, died yesterday aged 45. Cliffo's supporting role in Bernie's act had, over the years, badly affected his posture and he was forced to retire owing to droopy spine syndrome. He spent the remaining years of his life in a Variety Club sanctuary for out of work performing animals. It is understood that Cliffo will be buried in the same animal cemetery as his friend, Rod Hull's Emu.

Either they are of the same order of monks as the South Americans or more likely they are just copying them.

Opening a tin that hasn't got a label, hoping for peaches but getting spaghetti hoops. Serves me right for "shopping" in supermarket skips.

In a gesture to atone for their sins, an order of monks in South America spend two days every year living life backwards. They have to walk backwards for the whole day, eat supper in the morning and breakfast at night. The names of the days they hold this event are called yad samtsirhc and yad sremmusdim. Comedienne Jo Brand and "man of the people" Russell Brand are brother and sister. Jo has said in the past that they are very close and have a lot of things in common including their outspoken views on politics, religion, etc. The main thing that they have in common however is that neither of them are in the least bit funny. Politician, and John Major's former fukc-buddy Edwina Currie is heiress to the Curries lemonade empire.

In his latest memoirs Dick Van Dyke claims that he is not responsible for his dreadful cockney accent in Mary Poppins. When screen-tested the producers deemed his attempts at a cockney accent to be flawless but too authentic for the American market so they hired actor Ray Winstone to dub over his lines. Disc-jockey Johnny Walker is the heir to the Walkers Crisps empire. Briggso