[Scotland v Republic of Ireland]

Every normal person ( ie Scots) should be very vigilant at the game because these traveling travellers are experts at carrying out caveman petty theft. At the last home game against these gypos, a former mate of mine ( he's now dead) was attacked near the bowling club. They used a kids fishing net to steal his Nokia 7110 and rode away on horseback. I believe they stole the horse from a local stud to carry out the attack. Toothless simpletons to a man.

A similar thing happened to me as I was walking back from the ground, except in my case it was a toothless old crone who bewitched me when i refused to buy any pegs off her. Told her to f**k off and next thing i knew, she'd muttered some foul Gaelic curse and i'd been transformed into a midget. Stayed that way until Halloween.

Be on your guard, gentlemen.

[Business / corporate speak nonsense]

My wife was in a meeting where someone with fallopian tubes for ears suggested

"Let's put that in the ideas fridge and snack on it later"

I hope that was just someone bored out his tits, despairing at the inanity of it all, making a wise-crack.

I'm stealing that line, will use it first chance I get.

[Business / corporate speak nonsense]

Another thing that's fun. Any time that anyone in a meeting says anything, chime in with "Yes, but how does that add value?"

[Business / corporate speak nonsense]

I worked for a B2B media company in London. A colleague and I had a thing going where every sentence he said during team meetings had to include "maximise", and mine had to feature "optimise".

Kept it up for weeks, nobody ever called us out. Dunces.