Peterhead 0-1 Spartans

[Ivo den Bieman]

As Spartans have no fans and I don't blame the home team support for not commenting on this dreadful game, a quick report.

Consolation: it was a beautiful day and given the tendency of Peterhead to tip even the most well manicured beard with frost at this time of year, it wasn't so cold.

However, I did pay to watch a game of football and am currently cossetted with some ambulance-chasing lawyers wondering whether to sue the Balmoor authorities under the Trades Description Act. I'm not sure what this was- a cross between a lower level rugby league match and a wrestling bout where the antagonists are blindfolded. Two stags with no antlers rutting over a mouldy orange.

I'm no fan of B-team-rimming, amoral Spartans who seem to have had no qualms about franchising impoverished neighbours to buy their way into the league in the past. Unfortunately they are just as awful on the park. Their no. 7 was a comically bad footballer, whose best suit appeared to be falling over when well-placed, and bearing a good resemblance to the b*****d child of Steven Pressley and the Jack of Clubs. Their number nine screamed like a rooster having its neck wrung whenever he felt a challenge near him and threw himself theatrically to the ground.

Spartans were full of greasy-haired tatty nonetities, all sharp elbows, lung power and "agonised" sqwauks whenever an opposition player challenged for the ball. Manager Samuel, a man with a beard so extensive that the Duke of Kent probably hunts small birds in there during shooting season, has fashioned one of of the most eye-bleedingly dull sides ever to 'grace' the Scottish League, certainly since the days when Terry Christie was a malign offside-trap abcess in the yawning concrete whalemouth of old Meadowbank.

Well, anyway, Peterhead's confidence is totally shot. All passes are now sideways and backwards. They're still okay-ish and combative in the middle of the park- giving as good as they got. The defence is alright. But since autumn when I last saw them sweep aside Clachnacuddin, East Fife and an abysmal Elgin City at Balmoor, something's gone badly wrong. Yes Rory Mac is supsended but they really need to find a way to play without him otherwise the poor man will be cryogenically frozen when he passes and then brought back to life to lead the line in the Blue Toons' League Two promotion push for the 2189/2190 season.

The attacking play was laboured and disjointed and really lacked a spark or cutting edge. Yes Samuel's serried ranks of whooping / fist pumping droids at the back made life very difficult. But you never had the confidence that Peterhead had someone who could provide that bit of creativity or guile to break through. The Spartans goalkeeper, a low slung fellow with long arms and no neck, made a terrific save low to his left early in the second half to thwart a header from Shanks (? I think). But other than that it was all shadow boxing and discordant fucked-accordion inconsequence from the home team as they desperately tried to find a tune.

The first half was appalling, really, for two promotion chasing teams, with only one clear chance at either end- a header that sneaked past McKenzie's left hand post, and a goalmouth scramble at the other end when the ball just would not fall kindly for a Peterhead player. After the break, as Peterhead monotonously tried and failed to guess Spartans' pin number at one end, a break away, a couple of passes and boom- 1-0 past a helpless McKenzie. Once Spartans went ahead there was no real belief that Peterhead could come back into it, despite working hard enough.

Ugh, It will be a long time before I'm persuaded to pay to watch Spartans again. As For the Curbishley and Gritt of Buchan, Ryan and Jordon, they are facing their first really bad spell and they looked a bit lost at full time today. I'm sure Peterhead will come good again but they really need to arrest this alarming slump as soon as possible, perhaps adding one or two more creative players to the squad. From strong title challengers to needing to shoire up the play off place in a few short weeks gives you an idea of the tailspin they are in, which surprised me. However the person most to be pitied presently at Balmoor is the media guy who has to sit down and watch all that again, in a desperate attempt to find anything resembling "highlights" for youtube.

Of course the real winners here were Stenhousemuir. I'm sure Gary Naysmith and his staff will have a good laugh when they sit down to watch this pish on a quiet evening at Ochilview. Bar a monumental collapse the Larbert side seem set fair for a first ever title as they are simply not likely to be troubled by the dung on show today. I must make a point of going to watch them sometime soon.

[the_bully_wee]

The best match report you'll ever read.

[Am Featha Taigh Nan Clach]

@Ivo den Bieman bring back the blog!

[1993]

39 minutes ago, Ivo den Bieman said:

As Spartans have no fans and I don't blame the home team support for not commenting on this dreadful game, a quick report.

Consolation: it was a beautiful day and given the tendency of Peterhead to tip even the most well manicured beard with frost at this time of year, it wasn't so cold.

However, I did pay to watch a game of football and am currently cossetted with some ambulance-chasing lawyers wondering whether to sue the Balmoor authorities under the Trades Description Act. I'm not sure what this was- a cross between a lower level rugby league match and a wrestling bout where the antagonists are blindfolded. Two stags with no antlers rutting over a mouldy orange.

I'm no fan of B-team-rimming, amoral Spartans who seem to have had no qualms about franchising impoverished neighbours to buy their way into the league in the past. Unfortunately they are just as awful on the park. Their no. 7 was a comically bad footballer, whose best suit appeared to be falling over when well-placed, and bearing a good resemblance to the b*****d child of Steven Pressley and the Jack of Clubs. Their number nine screamed like a rooster having its neck wrung whenever he felt a challenge near him and threw himself theatrically to the ground.

Spartans were full of greasy-haired tatty nonetities, all sharp elbows, lung power and "agonised" sqwauks whenever an opposition player challenged for the ball. Manager Samuel, a man with a beard so extensive that the Duke of Kent probably hunts small birds in there during shooting season, has fashioned one of of the most eye-bleedingly dull sides ever to 'grace' the Scottish League, certainly since the days when Terry Christie was a malign offside-trap abcess in the yawning concrete whalemouth of old Meadowbank.

Well, anyway, Peterhead's confidence is totally shot. All passes are now sideways and backwards. They're still okay-ish and combative in the middle of the park- giving as good as they got. The defence is alright. But since autumn when I last saw them sweep aside Clachnacuddin, East Fife and an abysmal Elgin City at Balmoor, something's gone badly wrong. Yes Rory Mac is supsended but they really need to find a way to play without him otherwise the poor man will be cryogenically frozen when he passes and then brought back to life to lead the line in the Blue Toons' League Two promotion push for the 2189/2190 season.

The attacking play was laboured and disjointed and really lacked a spark or cutting edge. Yes Samuel's serried ranks of whooping / fist pumping droids at the back made life very difficult. But you never had the confidence that Peterhead had someone who could provide that bit of creativity or guile to break through. The Spartans goalkeeper, a low slung fellow with long arms and no neck, made a terrific save low to his left early in the second half to thwart a header from Shanks (? I think). But other than that it was all shadow boxing and discordant fucked-accordion inconsequence from the home team as they desperately tried to find a tune.

The first half was appalling, really, for two promotion chasing teams, with only one clear chance at either end- a header that sneaked past McKenzie's left hand post, and a goalmouth scramble at the other end when the ball just would not fall kindly for a Peterhead player. After the break, as Peterhead monotonously tried and failed to guess Spartans' pin number at one end, a break away, a couple of passes and boom- 1-0 past a helpless McKenzie. Once Spartans went ahead there was no real belief that Peterhead could come back into it, despite working hard enough.

Ugh, It will be a long time before I'm persuaded to pay to watch Spartans again. As For the Curbishley and Gritt of Buchan, Ryan and Jordon, they are facing their first really bad spell and they looked a bit lost at full time today. I'm sure Peterhead will come good again but they really need to arrest this alarming slump as soon as possible, perhaps adding one or two more creative players to the squad. From strong title challengers to needing to shoire up the play off place in a few short weeks gives you an idea of the tailspin they are in, which surprised me. However the person most to be pitied presently at Balmoor is the media guy who has to sit down and watch all that again, in a desperate attempt to find anything resembling "highlights" for youtube.

Of course the real winners here were Stenhousemuir. I'm sure Gary Naysmith and his staff will have a good laugh when they sit down to watch this pish on a quiet evening at Ochilview. Bar a monumental collapse the Larbert side seem set fair for a first ever title as they are simply not likely to be troubled by the dung on show today. I must make a point of going to watch them sometime soon.

Superb post as always Ivo. I always enjoy your match reports and knowledgeable contributions to these threads. However I thought Spartans were the best team I’ve seen in the league this year when I saw them at Elgin

[Ivo den Bieman]

34 minutes ago, Am Featha *****h Nan Clach said:

@Ivo den Bieman bring back the blog!

I am thinking of doing a blog called The Old Fashioned Neutral next season!

[peternapper]

A good summing up Ivo my own reaction on our site had us as pedestrian & predicable wont mention the other P. Short on options with Rory suspended & only 2 subs available it was never going to be easy, we must find a way of winning these must win games starting Tuesday

Edited January 6 by peternapper

[O'Kelly Isley III]

1 hour ago, peternapper said:

A good summing up Ivo my own reaction on our site had us as pedestrian & predicable wont mention the other P. Short on options with Rory suspended & only 2 subs available it was never going to be easy, we must find a way of winning these must win games starting Tuesday

Based on today's evidence you may well do.

[BullyWeeStonehouse]

That’s most probably the best match report I’ve ever read!