keepitsafe
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Posts posted by keepitsafe
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Come on people, the pace is flagging.....the end is in sight. Or the next 1,000 pages.
The way this circus is going, I'll go for another 1000 pages!
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Glad to see we're back on topic! When I looked earlier it had gone a bit bear pear shaped.
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1336584787[/url]' post='6218042']
The sketch:
A customer enters a lawyers office.
Mr. Miller: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Miller: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Miller: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Miller: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this football club what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Ibrox Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Miller: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's just...in administration.
Mr. Miller: Look, matey, I know a dead football club when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable club, the Ibrox Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful strip! Very loyal.
Mr. Miller: Loyalty don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's just consolidatin is assets!
Mr. Miller: All right then, if he's consolodatin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Ibrox Blue! I've got a lovely £11million for you if you show...
(owner hits the Ibrox Blue)
Owner: There, he moved! He's walking away!
Mr. Miller: No, he didn't, that was you hitting him!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Miller: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Miller: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO !!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes club out of the cage and thumps its on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Miller: Now that's what I call a dead football club.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Miller: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Ibrox Blues stun easily, major.
Mr. Miller: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That club is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged and difficult season.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for Europe.
Mr. Miller: PININ' for the EUROPE?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did I find a black 'ole in his finances the moment I got 'im 'ome?
Owner: The Ibrox Blue is 140 years old sir! Remarkable club, id'nit, squire? Lovely strip!
Mr. Miller: Look, I took the liberty of examining that club when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been still on its feet was because it 'ad been propped up with dodgy tax returns and a significant number of EBTs!
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was propped up! If it hadn't been propped up, it would have crept up to the border, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee! Off to England!
Mr. Miller: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this club wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'It's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr. Miller: 'It's not pinin'! 'It's passed on! This club is no more! It has ceased to be! 'It's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't propped it up with other peoples money it'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Its metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-CLUB!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of football clubs.
Mr. Miller: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got a building society if that's any good to you.
(pause)
Mr. Miller: Pray, does it feature regularly on Sky sports?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Miller: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Miller: Well.
(pause)
Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Mr. Miller: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure. As long as Chick isn't there.
SUPERB! Gave you a greenie for that!
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Steakburger on a toasted roll, white cheese melted over and topped with a sprinkle of paprika.
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Na she was driving me home,Mind you she did get chatted up in a pub in Blackpool by a lesbian
The chat up line was you have big tits don't ya And you knew that was going nowhere 'cause you were the only one with her!
(that's a guess mind).
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I was there with my wife
So. She scored and you got a taxi?
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I was at what can only be called a nightmare for a single guy last night,A civil partnership reception(2 women)
I mean come on who would a single guy try to hit on without failing
I'm assuming a guy was out of the question or, are you too embarrased to say he knocked you back?
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That looks like a torture device for small babies.
It's actually a bumbo and I used that for both of mine. Once they can keep their head up it's brill. I used to sit them in it ON the dinner table to feed at the same time as us. Just be careful not to overdo the time you put them in at first. 10 then 15 then 20 mins at a time. My 2 loved looking around in it. One of the better things for that age.
On a separate tack.
Anyone else's do what my daughter did between crawling & walking? She "walked" everywhere on her knees!
Tickled everyone at the golf club and no one had seen that before. (Including me but she was my first born!).
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Snake & Pygmie pie wi roasters & some mash.
Roll wi beans just now, superb!
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Look at all the possibilities and drive yurself nuts, or, do what I did.
Enjoy the baby and then ask.
Turned out good for me.
Thmem women might be bitches but nurture babies.
shame they no consider us that do all the worrying! lol
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What and then have everyone having to scrawl through it. You wouldn't want to do that. Trust me.
OK. I trust ya.
Now copy and paste it to me!!!!!
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Try the link in the quote above yours
LOL Smart arse!
I'd actually copy and paste the thing to save linking. Just me.
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Like you m8 I gonna have to trawl the thread. Price to pay for not paying attention (insert embarrassed smiley here).
Anyone help? (see above!)
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Not read the whole thread & don't know what strep b is, lazy mebut, for what it's worth....
My partner got epilepsy with our daughter ( She'll be 6 in Jan 2010) and it got worse after the birth. Progressive epilepsy is a bit of a sod but where we are but didn't stop us having the wee fella. Allbeit with a lot of hospital visits and stuff ya don't need.
Main thing is kids are brilliant. Happy helathy and love each other loads.
Kindest wishes and enjoy. There really is nothing better.
(hole in one comes kinda close though!)
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Hi all. Good. First post done, phew.
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Big Rangers Administration/Liquidation Thread - All chat here!
in Celtic v Rangers, Rangers v Celtic
Posted