Fireplace

I've been feeling a bit up and down. When I'm down I get recurring thoughts of hurting myself. I dont' think I'll actually do it, I just get kind of mental images about the act of hanging myself or where I would go go to do it. It's quite disturbing but it passes. Aside from taht I am ok. I fight a lot iwth my girlfriend and think that the guilt about cheating (that's all over) doesn't help but i think it will fade. I don;t know if anyone i know can guess i am like this does any1 else have this. whenevr you read about suicides its always a shock, everyone is baffled, i wonder if that's how it would be with me

I've just finished a course of therapy with a CPN and I think it's done me a lot of good. I'm a lot more open about things. My personal life (alluded to in previous posts) has improved a lot as well, I'm not doing reckless things anymore and am hopefully a better person to be with. I do get downhearted a bit but what the CPN has taught me is that I need to try and get perspective and rather than allowing thoughts to run into considering hurting myself if things don't go as I'd like I can try and rationalise things.

I've got an appointment with a community mental health nurse in a few days, what should I expect from it? I'm going to try and put the stuff I posted about previously behind me. I don't know how much of my behaviour was caused by any mental health problems or vice versa but I think trying to live a simpler, quieter life without nonsense and distractions can only help.

I can't justify it, as I said I've done awful things in my life. One of the diagnoses I've had in informal settings -discussions with counsellors that I stopped going to when it got a bit much - is bipolar and I do kind of fit it, a bit. I often get periods where I do reckless, stupid things that I wouldn't normally do - massive drinking binges, infidelity in utterly ridiculous situations (married women, spending £500 on strippers etc), taking drugs. Then when I get down periods the fact I've done these things almost dominates my brain. I can completely understand what people are saying, I kind of agree with you and one reason that I stopped going to the counsellor is that I thought they were just putting a label on poor behaviour, being a dick. Being a dick isn't an illness and I just thought that I was unhapy because I was an immature arsehole but now I don't really know.

You are right but if honesty makes things much worse then what's the point?

I can't do that, it would absolutely destroy her and she doesn't deserve it. The other girl doesn't know what a fucking shambles I am either. the joys.

I've not been feeling great since I last posted. I'm generally a selfish person, I've been kind of seeing this woman behind my girlfriends back but she's basically binned me and I'm feeling fucking shit about it. I can't speak to anyone about it, I don't deserve to get sympathy for it. I've had family members telling me howmuch they care for me and love and my girlfriend wanting to support me but I don't deserve any of it. I don't think I'll try to do hurt myself again but the other day I was seriously thinking about just leaving my current life, not telling anyone where I am and starting afresh in a new city or country. has anyone done this, is it easy?

So I mentioned to my girlfriend that I think I'm well enough to have a social drink (not a 12 hour session) and she basically blew her top, has said I'm putting my head in the sand and that I'm devastating her. I honestly don't think I'll ever get anything like a life back, any time I wanted to do anything I'll have to deal with this. Am I deluding myself though? I did this when I was drunk but I don't think drink is the deciding factor. I feel the concern of others is weighing down on me, it's oppressive.

I've been feeling much better but have started arguing with my girlfriend about how I've been. Previously I've had big blow outs or felt down I've just kind of ridden over it and got back to normal. Because of what happened I can't really do that this time, but I feel like my girlfriend is using this to be controlling. She has basically said that she doesn't want me to go out until I've 'got this sorted out' and we had a huge argument when she wanted me to go to the doctor and ask for anti-depressants. I don't want to never be able to see my mates, go out, have a drink again. I feel fine now, I know that if I went out for a pint it'd be fine and I'd be OK. Whenever I go out for a night out or a beer my girlfriend always made me feel bad, constantly asking when I was due home, guilt-tripping me for leaving her alone. I think that might contribute to the way I drink recklessly and that if we just agreed that I'm going out, I'll be back later, if I'm going to be late I'll phone I'd be better. I don't think she can do it though. I spoke to one of my close friends (the only one who knows about me trying to off myself) and she said that maybe my gf needs to reset her expectations when I'm going out. I asked my GP about anti-depressants and he said that it wasn't a good idea as I was feeling better, if I'd been down for the entire time then it'd be a more realistic option. I explained this to my girlfriend but she didn't seem to accept it. She's used to hearing what she wants, to be honest I just tell her what she wants to hear most of the time and what happened makes me feel that I shouldn't, I should be honest and try to be happy with it. I'm worried that if I try to be honest I'll just end up back where I was.

Thanks for the replies and PMs. I'm not. Always look on the bright side.

I'm a poster on here but I've registered a new account to post on here, I hope that is OK. I don't want to post under my current name as I'm not comfortable with people knowing details of what I'm going to post about, I know a few people on here offline and have some family members who post. If the mods aren't comfortable with this then I'm happy for them to delete this account. I've had problems with depression, anxiety, binge drinking and suicidal thoughts. This came to a head at the weekend when, after a monumental 12 hour drinking session, I tried to hang myself. I can't really remember what was going through my head at the time but the whole day had been spent lying to my girlfriend when she rang to see how I was, to family members who were looking for me and then just on a huge drink with people I barely really know. I've done this so many times but this time it just came to a head, I've let so many people down and it just seemed as though things would be better if I wasn't here. I tried to hang myself with a belt from a fence down an alleyway, I put my hands in my pockets and sat down but my body kind of jerked back just as I was about to black out and then I didn't do it. I phoned my girlfriend who got someone to come and get me. Yesterday I went to a mental health outreach centre and today I saw my GP, or a practice nurse at my GPs. I'm feeling fucking shit to be honest - my family, my girlfriend and others have been impactged by this and I just feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I've not been able to be fully open with everyone about my behaviour - I generally get spells where I feel brilliant and invincible and go out bevvying and during those periods I've done some pretty desperate things - cheating on my girlfriend, taking drugs, blowing large ammounts of cash on god knows what. My partner is being so supportive but in the run up to this I've been seriously considering leaving her. I can't do that now, not after this. Also, the outreach centre and GP both immediately jumped on teh alcohol and stress angle but I've had these thoughts for a long time and not always relating to alcohol. Most NHS mental health care appears to involve leaflets and being told that no-one is available. I'm also worried about the affect of this on my work, I don't know how they will react if I try to self-certify. I don't want to tell my manager that this has happened but I don't think I want to go back at the moment. I'm hoping that this is part of the way I can come out of this, I felt terrible yesterday and today I'm feeling very down. I know I won't do anything like what I did at the weekend again, that's what everyone is scared of though. I'm assuming I won't do it.