Upset?

[Brother Blades]

Stronger than PTTGOYN but not quite as bad as to dip into the excellent Depression thread.

This morning I got a call from one of my oldest friends to say that another friend who I’ve been friends with longer (talking plus 40 years for one & around 40 for the other). Had found his father dead. I’ve known his father for around 40 years as well. As you can imagine, not unusual for someone with a son in his fifties to die.

What’s really got me upset is that my pal now has no immediate family, his mum died 25 years ago, his brother died during Covid, and now he’s lost his only immediate family (no kids or nieces / nephews) , I’m absolutely devastated for my friend & how alone he must feel now. I made the mistake of going for a drink & felt myself tearing up, I’ve had a dripping nose & crying bouts.

ive let my friend know that we are here for him ‘ he knows he can lean on me, it’s just the thought of that solitude he must now feel that has got me upset. 

[TxRover]

42 minutes ago, Brother Blades said:

ive let my friend know that we are here for him ‘ he knows he can lean on me, it’s just the thought of that solitude he must now feel that has got me upset. 

Good man, the absolutely correct response that too many people fumble. Be assured that if he feels solitude, he also knows you (and hopefully some others) are still there.

[Guest ICTFCwife]

2 hours ago, Brother Blades said:

Stronger than PTTGOYN but not quite as bad as to dip into the excellent Depression thread.

This morning I got a call from one of my oldest friends to say that another friend who I’ve been friends with longer (talking plus 40 years for one & around 40 for the other). Had found his father dead. I’ve known his father for around 40 years as well. As you can imagine, not unusual for someone with a son in his fifties to die.

What’s really got me upset is that my pal now has no immediate family, his mum died 25 years ago, his brother died during Covid, and now he’s lost his only immediate family (no kids or nieces / nephews) , I’m absolutely devastated for my friend & how alone he must feel now. I made the mistake of going for a drink & felt myself tearing up, I’ve had a dripping nose & crying bouts.

ive let my friend know that we are here for him ‘ he knows he can lean on me, it’s just the thought of that solitude he must now feel that has got me upset. 

Given the circumstance you’ve done the right thing. Having been in a similar situation myself the best thing to do is what you’re doing and give him his space and when he’s ready he will come to you. I’d maybe check in on him by text every few days just to make sure he’s alright. 

[scottsdad]

On 12/05/2023 at 15:52, Brother Blades said:

Stronger than PTTGOYN but not quite as bad as to dip into the excellent Depression thread.

For me, I'm not depressed but still grieving my dad. Just in my mind a lot that he's gone, replaying his last days and weeks in my mind. I don't get upset often but it comes occasionally (my brother is the opposite - he is in bits all the time). 

The big kick came at the weekend though. My mum had got upset the week before when she arranged for his headstone. That felt quite final to her. She was told it would be 8-12 weeks. Then, on Friday she woke up to an email saying that the headstone was up, with a picture and an invoice attached. Just a week since she had arranged it. 

She went to the cemetery to see it and it really shocked her. Really knocked her for six. Then on Saturday I went up, and there it was. An absolute gut-punch. I can't explain why but seeing it there made it all a bit more real. A bit more final. I think it's sinking in now. 

I know this will pass slowly. Just watching out for all the "firsts" coming up - birthdays, Father's day, Christmas and so on. Next month would have been my parents 53rd wedding anniversary. It'll really be hard for my mum. 

[ParsJake]

33 minutes ago, scottsdad said:

For me, I'm not depressed but still grieving my dad. Just in my mind a lot that he's gone, replaying his last days and weeks in my mind. I don't get upset often but it comes occasionally (my brother is the opposite - he is in bits all the time). 

The big kick came at the weekend though. My mum had got upset the week before when she arranged for his headstone. That felt quite final to her. She was told it would be 8-12 weeks. Then, on Friday she woke up to an email saying that the headstone was up, with a picture and an invoice attached. Just a week since she had arranged it. 

She went to the cemetery to see it and it really shocked her. Really knocked her for six. Then on Saturday I went up, and there it was. An absolute gut-punch. I can't explain why but seeing it there made it all a bit more real. A bit more final. I think it's sinking in now. 

I know this will pass slowly. Just watching out for all the "firsts" coming up - birthdays, Father's day, Christmas and so on. Next month would have been my parents 53rd wedding anniversary. It'll really be hard for my mum. 

I know what you're going through mate, my dad died coming up for four years ago and me and my mum were dreading all the "firsts" as well as the anniversary of the day of his death. These things will be different for everyone but on the actual day of whichever "first" it was then this gif probably sums it up best for me and my mum- 

For all the dreading of it, it was a day the same as all the others, just another day when he wasn't around, no more or less difficult than any of the other days. It does get better over time, not so much getting over it as learning to live with it. You'll get there, you're more than welcome to PM if you want to sound off.

 

[Lucyintheskywithdiamonds]

1 hour ago, scottsdad said:

For me, I'm not depressed but still grieving my dad. Just in my mind a lot that he's gone, replaying his last days and weeks in my mind. I don't get upset often but it comes occasionally (my brother is the opposite - he is in bits all the time). 

The big kick came at the weekend though. My mum had got upset the week before when she arranged for his headstone. That felt quite final to her. She was told it would be 8-12 weeks. Then, on Friday she woke up to an email saying that the headstone was up, with a picture and an invoice attached. Just a week since she had arranged it. 

She went to the cemetery to see it and it really shocked her. Really knocked her for six. Then on Saturday I went up, and there it was. An absolute gut-punch. I can't explain why but seeing it there made it all a bit more real. A bit more final. I think it's sinking in now. 

I know this will pass slowly. Just watching out for all the "firsts" coming up - birthdays, Father's day, Christmas and so on. Next month would have been my parents 53rd wedding anniversary. It'll really be hard for my mum. 

I can relate to what you’re going through I lost my grandfather a couple of years ago now. My father was never on the scene and he was a father figure to me growing up. He passed away the end of October so the first “event” we had to go through without him was Christmas then Boxing Day which would’ve been my gran and his 50th wedding anniversary. The first Christmas,birthday,anniversary of his death,Father’s Day etc aren’t easy however once that initial “oh shit they’re not here” hits you the day just continues like any other. As time goes on things remind you of them on a daily basis whether that be places you went with them,things they watched,things they did even their mannerisms. After nearly three years of him being gone there’s situations that have happened in my life that I’ve gone “I wonder what he would’ve said” “I wonder what he would’ve done” type of thing. I wouldn’t recommend doing what I did at the time. I attempted to block it all out even mentioning his name I couldn’t deal with it and then it all hit me at once,which wasn’t easy. Despite them not being here in person their memories and I guess spirit will always be with you. I hope things get easier for you. Time is a healer in itself 

[Brother Blades]

I ended up meeting my pal who lost his father on Friday evening, he wanted to go for a drink, i & my other pal thought it wasn’t a good idea, we live in different towns but only 20 mins away. 
We decided, if that’s what he wants, we need to be there. The 3 of us met up, had a few beers & it was all practical stuff that we could do to help to begin with, all very stoic… by the middle of the evening, I was a blubbering mess, we’d told so many good stories about his dad, which inevitably ended up with some embarrassing stories about my pal, so the last hour was slagging each other. 
I got the train home & made some food, picked up my phone to a message from my pal.. “Thanks! That’s exactly what I needed” 

Ive offered to help him with any arrangements etc, but my big takeaway from this is- don’t alter your relationship, if he’s used to slagging me & getting slagged, that’s how we care for each other. 
 

[Lucyintheskywithdiamonds]

On 15/05/2023 at 18:28, Brother Blades said:

I ended up meeting my pal who lost his father on Friday evening, he wanted to go for a drink, i & my other pal thought it wasn’t a good idea, we live in different towns but only 20 mins away. 
We decided, if that’s what he wants, we need to be there. The 3 of us met up, had a few beers & it was all practical stuff that we could do to help to begin with, all very stoic… by the middle of the evening, I was a blubbering mess, we’d told so many good stories about his dad, which inevitably ended up with some embarrassing stories about my pal, so the last hour was slagging each other. 
I got the train home & made some food, picked up my phone to a message from my pal.. “Thanks! That’s exactly what I needed” 

Ive offered to help him with any arrangements etc, but my big takeaway from this is- don’t alter your relationship, if he’s used to slagging me & getting slagged, that’s how we care for each other. 
 

The best thing to do is be guided by what he wants/needs.If he wants a bit of normality with going out with his friends,having a few pints and doing a bit of slagging each other off and having the crack then that’s what he’s obviously needing just now.It may well be,he may decide to open up about his feelings etc with you when he’s ready and I’m sure you’ll be able to be there for him if and when that happens. That’s the beauty about having someone close to you,they are there for you in your darkest,most vulnerable times. My advice is check in with your friend every few days because that way he will know you care about him and how he’s doing but at the same time you’re giving him his space.Every person deals with grief very different what works for some might not work for others.