Children and Bereavement

[Crazy Days]

Grandson is 6 years old and his great gran died about 6 months ago.  He would see her maybe once a week or so when she was alive but did not seem overly close to her. She always thought that he was a bit wild compared to his sister.

On the day of the funeral he picked some flowers at school and had to go and lay them on her grave that night.  He has a blanket that lay on her bed and a soft toy made from another. He has mentioned several times that he wishes he was dead so he could see his great gran again.

This morning he has said he is going on a hunger strike so that he will die and see great gran again. He has refused to eat his breakfast and asked that the toy and blanket be removed from his bed as it makes him too sad. 

Apart from this he is a typical wee boy wild and full of life although some of the things he comes away with makes it seem like he is a deep thinker.

Time for him to see a Grievance Councillor?

Any advice gratefully received.

 

[Rugster]

10 minutes ago, Crazy Days said:

Grandson is 6 years old and his great gran died about 6 months ago.  He would see her maybe once a week or so when she was alive but did not seem overly close to her. She always thought that he was a bit wild compared to his sister.

On the day of the funeral he picked some flowers at school and had to go and lay them on her grave that night.  He has a blanket that lay on her bed and a soft toy made from another. He has mentioned several times that he wishes he was dead so he could see his great gran again.

This morning he has said he is going on a hunger strike so that he will die and see great gran again. He has refused to eat his breakfast and asked that the toy and blanket be removed from his bed as it makes him too sad. 

Apart from this he is a typical wee boy wild and full of life although some of the things he comes away with makes it seem like he is a deep thinker.

Time for him to see a Grievance Councillor?

Any advice gratefully received.

 

I can't offer any advice but to say I think you should post this in the pregnancy and parenting thread, there are dozens of folk on there, someone will have experience of this and be able to offer some advice I'm sure.

 

[ICTChris]

My son is five and he's started talking about death and dying.  I think they are just getting their heads around the idea of it.  He asks a lot about his great granny (who died 18 years ago but there are photos of her at granny's house) and has also started asking when David Attenborough is going to die - we watch Prehistoric Planet and he loves Attenborough.  He asks a lot about ages, how old were you when I was 1, how old will you be when I'm 30 etc and he's started saying that he doesn't think I'll be alive when I'm 100.  He isn't upset or anything when he says this and we just keep it breezy and say "probably not!".

We haven't experienced bereavement among anyone in our family or friends though, not sure how he would deal with that.  He once said to his mum that he didn't want her to die but he's never really spoken about it to anyone else.  I think kids at this age are learning and developing so fast and they process information and work out understanding of it by acting things out.  I would think it's best to just talk through why it' s OK to feel sad about his great granny dying and maybe talking about trying to remember how much you enjoyed spending time with her or seeing her rather than thinking about her not being there.

Edited September 7, 2023 by ICTChris

[Rugster]

@Crazy Days

[Honest Saints Fan]

My gran died last year when my children were 6 and 4. I took them to hospital to see her. She died about half an hour after we left. I was glad they were able to see her and say goodbye but also visualise that she was unwell and dying at an old age was a normal process. 

They were very upset at that time but a year on they talk about their great granny a lot. We talk about how it is normal to miss her.

I would also speak to the school as they might be able to point you to appropriate books etc that discuss death.

 

[Guest]

I'd suggest grabbing the book the invisible string by Patrice Karst.
Wife uses this for the kids she works with in the NHS.

Heard nothing but positives from it.

Maybe have all of the family read it to him over the next few weeks

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Invisible-String-Patrice-Karst/dp/031648623X/ref=asc_df_031648623X/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310977284312&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1326187359700821993&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9046909&hvtargid=pla-555204052067&psc=1&th=1&psc=1

Edited September 7, 2023 by Guest

[Cosmic Joe]

You have probably already tried this, but looking at photographs of happy times when his great grandmother was alive can often help during the grieving process. 

[RH33]

Could you gather photographs of her and make a scrapbook this him? Then we he is talking about her, get it out and tall about happy memories?

I know what he said sounds alarming to us as adults but he probably doesn't realise fully what he meaning. How often are kids told we need to eat stay alive, so in his mind it makes sense.

They don't have the vocabulary to express the often very strong emotions that come with grief.

Always the old point at random star and say look there she is watching you as well to make her seem present. 

Life cycles are difficult topics for kids to get head round, I wouldn't rush to councilling yet. 

My Granny will be 101 in couple months, my girls saw her last year on her 100th birthday. My son hasn't seen her since she went into a home as he has memories of her fit and active and visiting us. 

[Darren]

My Granny and Stepdad both died last year, a lot to take in for my daughter who had just turned three. (As it was for the rest of us.)

She's been told they were taken by the angels to Heaven, and that seems to comfort her. Even though that's bollocks, I've let it slide for her benefit!

We do get a laugh when she does something fairly inconsequential like trip and she complains: "I thought Great-Granny and Granddaddy were meant to be looking out for me!" 

She can be a morbid wee sod sometimes too, although not to the stage the OP's grandson is at.

I guess the point is it's a lot to take in and we all react differently to death.

I'm sure he'll be fine – but maybe make sure he's had a pie or something before the end of the day!  

[Busta Nut]

My old man has terminal cancer has had for about 5 years (was given 6 months) and my wean is 3.5 year old. Old man could probably go at any moment. as his health fluctuates quite wildly.

I've wondered what i'll do at that point and how she'll react.

[RH33]

One thing about kids, they're a lot more resilient than we realise.

[TxRover]

1 hour ago, Busta Nut said:

My old man has terminal cancer has had for about 5 years (was given 6 months) and my wean is 3.5 year old. Old man could probably go at any moment. as his health fluctuates quite wildly.

I've wondered what i'll do at that point and how she'll react.

If the old man is up for it, perhaps record a couple of videos to the wean for the future. It’s something most of us never had an opportunity for, and would be pretty nice for the kiddo to have as they get older.

[moses1924]

My father died when I was 4, I remember being told he had died then that was that, never spoken of again, I seemed fine during my childhood but it me like a sledgehammer in my late teens. I guess what i'm trying to say is to keep talking to him about it his great gran @Crazy Daysand it'll be easier for him to deal with things as he gets older, hope he's doing ok now.

[Busta Nut]

3 hours ago, TxRover said:

If the old man is up for it, perhaps record a couple of videos to the wean for the future. It’s something most of us never had an opportunity for, and would be pretty nice for the kiddo to have as they get older.

I like that cheers.