Cardinal Richelieu

Half Man Half Bigot

Strewth. 3 out of 10. A Hilary Robinson.

5 out of 10 as per. A 5 pinter .

This isn't it, but to be honest, I'm not going to sleep tonight as it is, so no more sinister mannequin Google searches for me.

Just to add to the list of terrible puns, when in the USA, an illuminated green "walk" sign makes me cross, whereas a red "don't walk" one tends not to.

5 out of 10. And everyone a guess. Can't remember if I've done Plain Jane Superbrain, so here she is again.

I've never done one but like a lot of people, I'd like to try one at least once. Was looking up marathons that aren't too undulating (so that's Loch Ness out)... I noticed one in the Hague... has anyone ever done it? The only thing putting me off is a good 6 miles of it is along the beach and possibly in the sand - which sounds pretty difficult.

5 out of 10. Sally Magnusson's ugly sister.

Good work. I've got a sore shoulder too - equally clueless how I managed that. I ran in my Dukla Prague Away Kit, which a couple of people mistook for a Motherwell top.

Half Marathon for me. Don't think I've got the wherewithal for the full bhoona... Woke up at my burd's flat in Edinburgh at 7am. Weather grim but maybe not as bad as forecasted. The slight optimism that it might not be too bad is up the swannee once I realise I've left my running shoes in Glasgow. Mad dash to Leith Tesco to discover they don't open till 8am. Drive up Leith Walk. Jog the remainder to the non-elite starting bit cos we're running late. I'm weighed down with a waterproof jacket that wouldn't look out of place in the Antarctic. Rain coming down in sheets. One of those situations where you wait for the other one to say "ah f**k it, let's dinghy it" never materialised, so we pressed on. Some chap hands me a poncho which is like manna from heaven. I'm lumbered with my "fashion" trainers that flap around like clown shoes cos they're a size too big (they look nice though). Baseball cap down low cos I'm a speccy b*****d and can't see in the rain. It didn't rain from start to finish despite the 96% chance of rain forecast all week. All extraneous rain-deterrent devices pocketed once I realise it's actually perfect conditions for running. 2k in and I already need a piss and a shite. Opt for the former and dive into a pissoir and bake the main course for the next 10k until the need for a number 2 vanishes. But by then, my ill-fitting shoes were my number 1 priority - I thought my middle toe was going to fall off. Ignoring the nagging pain in my right foot and the impending rash between my inner thighs, I battered through Portobello and Musselburgh, and was actually close to enjoying it when I reached the bit where you see the faster folk running the other way. I thought it would be a Km or two before you came back, but it went on forever. Every time you thought you were about to do a U-turn it was a false summit. I can only imagine what the marathon runners were going through. Got to the last few hundred metres with the big metallic slippy bit. Nearly came a cropper a couple of times cos my shoes had no grip but sprinted the last bit ... lots of people laughing at me which was probably the gormless look on my face, but got there in 1:51:18... 15 seconds more than last year at the GSR. The journey back to Leith took longer than the run. But I enjoyed it (you should see my inner thighs - pics on request), but I've no idea how anyone could do that twice. Kudos.

Some cracking ideas in here... http://www.cracked.com/article_22408_6-ways-to-make-money-off-internet-if-youre-asshole.html

Chortle. Had forgotten about that abomination. http://www.pieandbovril.com/forum/index.php/topic/208435-lets-settle-this-for-good/

My English mate sent me a text the other day telling me how much he loved the lawn sausage he had in Scotland.

Was the question "What is bravery?" and you wrote "This is."

7 out of 10. But I'm giving myself 9 since those Aussie ones are impossible. Soooo close to an Isla Fisher. But I'll need to make do with a Pixie Mason.

Stay classy Dundee. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3099588/My-lodger-snorted-mother-s-ASHES-Host-s-fury-learning-woman-cut-dead-parent-s-remains-lines-took-like-cocaine.html

Make that 24/42. That's Stephen Aitken off to Dumbarton

5 out of 10? Only 8 out of 10 for Kylie? Are you mad Ross?

For real?

So you're proposing to sell premium rate phone line's phone lines to a premium rate phone line company? Could be a money spinner - although you'd need to come up with a snappy company name (better than PRPL2PRPLC)

To whom?

Sell premium rate phone line's what?

I'm rustling a joke about a Muslim chap getting married to 4 different woman and a "How's my wiving" sticker. Let me get back to you on it.