Ebanda's Handyman Services

A Pearse Flynn. Pearse Flynn needs kicked in the Pearse Flynn while being told that he is a Pearse Flynn.

Just drive around a doctors surgery car park. Those places are rife with unwell and therefore even more grumpy than usual old buggers who will supply you with plenty of rant material.

XaaronPrimus' car related annoyance reminded me of my PTGN. Dropped my old man off at the docs yesterday and when I was coming out the car park an old couple were driving in to the car park. I stopped to give them space to get in as it's an exceptionally narrow wee road and the old bugger driving made a hand signal for me to keep on coming. Now it's not a bloody Hummer that I drive but there was no way my car was getting past his so I just sat still and the old c**t drove past me shaking his head. Get your eyes re-tested you urine-soaked, peoples friend reading, Kia driving old arsehole.

I was spoken to about joining one of the Raith supporters teams. Im even more into it now if it means scoring hat-tricks against P&B members teams and then ripping the total piss on a public football forum.

What you coming to Kirkcaldy for Codfish?

I have no option but to deal with them when transfering calls. I think they all pick British sounding names out of a hat, I've also spoken to an Asian woman called 'John'.

Asian fucking call centres! I dont know whats worse, Asian men calling themselves Angela, "Heeelo, tank you for calling Sky, Angela speaking, how can I hilp" or the fact that 'Angela' the man isnt going to bloody well understand me anyway?

You should look into becoming a pshyciatrist Monster, thats probably about spot on. Apart from the tarts in the A-class of course.

We've discussed that Swampy and came to the conclusion that once she has full trust in me again it wont be an issue. I've not exactly helped her security recently although I must stress that I havent been cheating. We also concluded that if there is no trust then there is no relationship so we're gonna do our best to sort certain issues out.

Knowing that she's insecure, I let her read my messages every so often to try and build up her confidence and securities. The only mail I get addressed to me is my pay slip which I get to open.

Nothing like that, she found an innocent text message and read too much into it. She's since been on the phone from her work saying so and that she wants us to make a good go of it. She's a great girl but she's been messed about before so she's extra vigilant now. Cant blame her really.

It was the couch last night, the spare room futon had been put back into the sitting position.

B) I was bored and dumped. (Again)

Goldie Lookin Punto. Guns dont kill people Puntos do, Ask any Punto driver and they'll tell you its true, Its a fact Puntos make you violent, Like Michael Jackson telling his Punto to be silent, You don't believe me? Heres my Punto, Offer me the record and i'll show you the type, Of criminal this Punto shit is breedin, Its a fact that MC Hammer's Punto left me bleedin, Puntos made my mother say 'f**k', If I stuck with Morris Minor then I woulda been in luck, Morris Minors, they were on song, Fiat car designers got it all fucking wrong, So I started, I bought another Punto, The Power of my Punto made my cock and balls ache, So remember kids from the head double tap, Puntos kill people, cause they're crap! [Chorus] Guns don't kill people Puntos do Sound of the police Woo Woo Woo Guns don't kill people Puntos do, I seen it in a documentary on BBC2, Wheel spinning outside Hyper Value, Engine blazin like Michael Caine in Zulu, Punto statistics are sometimes misleading, The type of criminal that Fiat is breedin, No air conditioning? No wonder you stopped breathin, 2 Puntos for a pound, are you receivin? Puntos are still crap in '07 They should join Ladas up in crap-car heaven, Brava and Punto R.I.P, I wouldnt be seen dead with one in the cemetary. [chorus] Guns don't kill people Puntos do, I'm a fucking Punto and I might kill you, As an ex Fiat driver I'm teachin you a lesson, Shoot yer Fiats tyres out with a Smith-and-Wesson Just say no, just like Zammo Bullet proof vest, to guns and ammo, Punto has gangsters trippin, Even Eminems into Punto whippin, Its like cluedo murder one, P-Diddy and J'lo shot their Punto with a gun, Heard snoop dog mention Fiat in a rap, He said, PUNTOS KILL PEOPLE, CAUSE THEY'RE CRAP.

"Hiya pal, how did ye prang yer car, theres nothing else around?"...........SSSSSLLLLLAAAAAPPPP. Stuff was falling off this Punto as I felt my car bumping over things. The driver of the Punto wasnt exactly 'cool' in the situation, he just brought the car to an abrupt halt on the dual-carriageway. I had to go straight to a car-wash as there were black marks on my windscreen too?

Coming home from the hospital with a healthy pair of balls and half a mile from the Kirkcaldy West slip road a Punto decides to go up in a puff of smoke resulting in me swerving on to the fast lane which was fortunately empty. Ball lumps dont kill you, Punto's do, Im a fucking Punto and I might kill you.

Joe Cole. While checking through my briefs (C'mon now ) before I started work I noticed that Joe Cole was 10/1 for the first goal tonight on Sky Bet. Thought about opening an account and putting the £25 welcome bet on that particular bet but didnt bother. A potential £250 down the pan then.

I thought mine was genius for the 2 minutes it took me to come up with it.

Write a report that is say 500 words long and repeat it 4 times or have I taken you far too literally there?

I thought it was funny. More bank rants please Monster.

On the back of this anti-Pars tirade I would like to offer my full support to Arbroath in the playoffs.

Why do I keep on hearing sporadic cheers from all over Scotland? My wee boy skelped his head on the radiator yesterday and had to get a wee cut in his ear glued together. I think he may be schizophrenic, he was giggling his head off after banging his head in the first place.

I trust that your back door is incredibly tight, I would try some oil based lubricant to ease it open. On the plus side no-one will be able to break in your back door break in through your back door. Sorry! There you go.

*From the head of Xbass* Go to James concert, get girl drunk, reminis, reminice, bring up old times, make flirty kinda comments so girl knows that I want to shag her, hopefully shag her.

Stop driving fancy cars that I cant afford.