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I wasnt born with the gene, I just worked relentlessly hard to perfect pissing women off.

That whole rant is an unfair generalisation, a bit like me saying that all St Mirren fans jump on their high horse as soon as they feel wronged. I'm sure that the people on the end of the phone dont have a personal vandetta against you Stuart, unless you called up and said "Hello, this is Osama Bin Laden, can you please remove the charge that you put on my account due to late payment of my direct debit for my Fiat Panda." The whole world isn't against you man.

The Goblet of Fire is the fourth one. Dafty.

I still dont know you. What module are you in in Dunf/East?

Raith apparently played really well last night and I wasnt there to see it. There wasnt enough availability for a 1/2 night off due to people fucking skiving. Stop skiving you lazy fuckers, I want to go to the Rovers.

I unleashed The Slug on Kirkcaldy and a Seagull took exception.

I cant be done with all that pretentious shite so I'd have politely told them to get tae f**k. I get that all the time too.

Pizza's Italian OK.

Something that is pissing me off right now is the Americanisation of our country and mannerisms. Sitting in the works cafe last night happily eating my pizza and chips I was disturbed by a load of spotty fucking baggy jeaned, bandana-wearing 'Wiggas' greeting each other with high fives and the like. I felt like reminding them that they arent from Brooklyn and that they just look like a bunch of fannies by speaking like they were but refrained as there were a lot of them and they may have attempted to "Put a cap in my ass " or something. Why do people try to be something that they're not? If they dont want to be Scottish anymore I suggest they f**k off over the water where they want to, but wouldnt, belong.

The place is full of them, I quite like it, loads of people to laugh at although I do realise that being a Raith fan doesnt really give me reason to laugh at other people. I dont really deal with TV problems but if you ever have an Anytime PC/Mobile, interactive or Sky.com problem feel free to ask for me as I'm the only Andy in the department unbelievably. Remember to say, "I was dealing with a guy called Andy previously and he was bloody fantastic......"

Next time I speak to her I'll tell her a routine to knock off her satelite signal.

Tell me about it Gaz. I genuinely cant believe the stupidity of some of the people that call me. I regularly spend up to 10 minutes trying to get people to succeed in pressing certain number combinations into their remote control. Usually I advise them to get someone familiar with the working's of a Sky remote to try the routine...... Mrs Smith, you are fucking stupid, get your great grandson to try pushing the 3 button combination I've just told you.

I argue back. One guy said to me when I was telling him what to do to fix his PC problem that he'd worked in IT for 15 years and what I was telling him was bullshit. I said back, "If you've worked with computers for 15 years and you know my job better than I do, why did you bother phoning up in the first place?" Cue embarrassed idiot getting cut off half way through a sweary tirade.

Why cant you take the chance if you like him? If he turns you down, so f**k, his loss.

Have you not tried on the suspected homo at your work yet Lyn-Marie? Yoohoo.

Probably, in those days, being awake would have helped.

My Saturdays back then consisted of:- Wake up Shower Go to pub Go to football Go back to pub then on to nightclub Meet up with or call said girl woman to see if she wanted me to stay. Hubba Hubba, who's yer Daddy. Life is much more fulfilling now.

When I finished with a girl I'd been with for 7 years I met this woman 10 years older than me. I stayed over at her house after a few drunken nights out and it was enjoyable, you know, but after a week and a half she had bought me toiletries for "When you stay here." Scared the shit out of me, didnt stop me calling her at half 2 when the nightclubs had came out though to see if she was doing anything.

Both of the above are excellent and will be getting tested.

I own a pair of Brown cords. I use them when I'm going to a Golf course with a dress code. I'm a posh man in a Kirkcaldy tink's body.

If his 'bedtime stories' help you get to sleep he probably does need binned.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Only joking. Be honest with the guy though and dont string him along............. Unless he's into that kind of thing and he pays you well.

Unlike you, I dont sneak on to the back 9 with my Driver, 9 iron, putter and a few stray golf balls that you pilfered from the rough.

I feel for you Phoenix. I play off 24 but last year I had the game of my life and scored a scratch 76 on a par 72. I think I was under for the first 9 too and if my game had been rained off I would have chucked my clubs in the nearest bush and went on a church burning spree.

Straight to the point I suppose!