Jacksgranda Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 (edited) This might have been a bit tongue-in-cheek, but in the latest update to our software - as well as releasing "showstopper" features, lesser improvements are now known as "stocking fillers". I doubt it very much, people who dream up this sort of sh+1t have no sense of humour, self awareness or irony. Edited September 28, 2015 by Jacksgranda 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endieinreekie Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 One of the teams at work had the fantastic idea of renaming the team. Their choice of name- Centre of Corporate Knowledge (CoCK). Fucking idiots 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DigOutYourSoul Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Nope, there's been a lot of talk of 'showstoppers' in the last week at my work too in relation to a project. Nonsense. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 One of the teams at work had the fantastic idea of renaming the team. Their choice of name- Centre of Corporate Knowledge (CoCK). Fucking idiots Someone in our outfit decided that the emergency squads should be called the Fast Action Response Team, they had to wear that on their polo's and fleeces. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
endieinreekie Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 Someone in our outfit decided that the emergency squads should be called the Fast Action Response Team, they had to wear that on their polo's and fleeces.The worst thing about it all is that the c***s who come up with these 'ideas' generally get paid more than the rest of us 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillonearth Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 You'd think the first thing you'd do when you're setting up or changing the name of an area of your business is to work out what the acronym for it will be. We (briefly!) had an section in our place called A.R.S.E. - for the punters who worked there it was the gift that kept on giving; they were saying something hadn't been done because of a backlog in the pipeline to the A.R.S.E. and so on. The glory days lasted about a fortnight - when envelopes started to come into the building addressed to it, the high heid yins changed the name to something - anything! - else. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Davi3j Posted September 28, 2015 Share Posted September 28, 2015 We don't have customers any more, we have 'Stakeholders' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 We don't have customers any more, we have 'Stakeholders' That's been around for a long time, I'm a "stakeholder" in our local council and also my employment, companies we do business with are "stakeholders", our next door neighbours will be "stakeholders" of the NIHE, no doubt our daughter is a "stakeholder" with the bus company that takes her to the Day Centre, where she is not only a "stakeholder" but also a "client" and a "service user". 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted September 29, 2015 Share Posted September 29, 2015 We don't have customers any more, we have 'Stakeholders'Is your name van Helsing? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Bairn Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Anyone hear that utter shite from Richard on the apprentice's CV? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oddly optomistic Posted October 14, 2015 Share Posted October 14, 2015 Anyone hear that utter shite from Richard on the apprentice's CV?So many words without a meaning 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DA Baracus Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Anyone hear that utter shite from Richard on the apprentice's CV? It actually felt like dying listening to that. I was genuinely surprised when I woke up this morning 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEADOWXI Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Good article in Independent about the truth of office jargon, http://www.independent.co.uk/news/business/news/jack-dorsey-twitter-memo-10-office-jargon-phrases-you-should-never-use-a6693456.html Thought I would leave this here for others to cascade it down................. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Old Northerner Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 "We're on an improvement journey and mustn't be derailed" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joey Jo Jo Junior Shabadoo Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 A recruitment consultant sent me a Job Description form a well known Anglo-Dutch oil concern who shall remain nameless. I honestly didn't have the slightest idea what it was going on about. Utter, utter brain rot. A couple of examples for you to get your head around: The team is increasingly required to drive a change agenda for Finance which is aimed at improving functional effectiveness through continuous improvement of existing processes and the development of new processes and an efficiency agenda by receiving new activities and accountabilities from current onshore teams. They will build a deep knowledge of the Internal & External Financial Reporting outputs required and ways of working to deliver these, along with the tools and systems that are an integral enabler of the process. They will work collaboratively with colleagues in R&A and their peers from other processes where operational excellence or data integrity impacts on the R&A delivery. Nup, me neither. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MEADOWXI Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 A recruitment consultant sent me a Job Description form a well known Anglo-Dutch oil concern who shall remain nameless. I honestly didn't have the slightest idea what it was going on about. Utter, utter brain rot. A couple of examples for you to get your head around: Nup, me neither. Work out what this team Work out how to do it cheaper Write it down Tell other's 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hillonearth Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 Funnier in Dutch - makes about the same amount of sense too: Het team wordt steeds meer nodig om een verandering agenda van Financiën die is gericht op het verbeteren van de functionele effectiviteit door middel van continue verbetering van bestaande processen en de ontwikkeling van nieuwe processen en een rendement agenda door het ontvangen van nieuwe activiteiten en verantwoordelijkheden van de huidige onshore teams rijden . Zij zullen een grondige kennis van de interne en externe financiële verslaggeving uitgangen nodig zijn en manieren van werken te leveren deze , samen met de instrumenten en systemen die een integraal enabler van het proces op te bouwen. Ze zullen samenwerken met collega's in R & A en *** collega's uit andere processen waarbij 'operational excellence' en integriteit van de gegevens gevolgen voor de R & A levering. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joey Jo Jo Junior Shabadoo Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 (edited) Funnier in Dutch - makes about the same amount of sense too: Het team wordt steeds meer nodig om een verandering agenda van Financiën die is gericht op het verbeteren van de functionele effectiviteit door middel van continue verbetering van bestaande processen en de ontwikkeling van nieuwe processen en een rendement agenda door het ontvangen van nieuwe activiteiten en verantwoordelijkheden van de huidige onshore teams rijden . Zij zullen een grondige kennis van de interne en externe financiële verslaggeving uitgangen nodig zijn en manieren van werken te leveren deze , samen met de instrumenten en systemen die een integraal enabler van het proces op te bouwen. Ze zullen samenwerken met collega's in R & A en *** collega's uit andere processen waarbij 'operational excellence' en integriteit van de gegevens gevolgen voor de R & A levering. Ahhhhh! I get it now. That's perfectly cromulent. Edited October 15, 2015 by Joey Jo Jo Junior Shabadoo 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Bairn Posted October 15, 2015 Share Posted October 15, 2015 (edited) Here's the apprentice quote for anyone who missed it: "The trailblazer is a fully managed and implemented business growth campaign that starts with a focused base camp to remove the clouds from our client's business growth mountain so they can clearly see the summit we are aiming for." Edited October 15, 2015 by Mr Bairn 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peasy23 Posted October 16, 2015 Share Posted October 16, 2015 Here's the apprentice quote for anyone who missed it: "The trailblazer is a fully managed and implemented business growth campaign that starts with a focused base camp to remove the clouds from our client's business growth mountain so they can clearly see the summit we are aiming for." I think if someone stood in front of me and said that I would struggle not to club them to death. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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