ka202 Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Not read the whole thread so apologies if it's been said before, I heard this and was almost sick 'ok guys lets just step back and make sure all the spokes on this wheel are focusing toward the centre' Also, 'let's run this up the flagpole and see if it flies' 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArmadaleKillie Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 It was a small company so he was probably trying to show off to external clients, didn't make us fix his problems any faster. Infact think we usually put him to the bottom of the pile There are a few at my place that like to list their qualifications, I actually looked up the letters for one guy as he seemed to have more than was healthy for a sane person. It turned out they were pretty much all pointless management things that you just pay to join and get a few letters after your name. I now make sure I ignore his emails. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Moonster Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Folk who list their education are just awful, awful c***s. As has been said above, always in massive bold lettering to make sure you don't miss it. I've spoke about my boss and the shit he says on other threads but he's generally good at his job. Can be guilty of many of the sayings in this thread though. "Need you to take this and run with it, Davie, take the bull by the horns". Gies the file and get tae f**k. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vacamion Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Haven't kept up with the thread, so apologies if already added, but the invented adjective "Customer-centric" really sandpapers my gonads. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hedgecutter Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Has anybody else been told the Buffalo Story by management? You know, the one where buffalo run towards and through the storm rather than run away from it as the trouble will pass quicker if you face it head on, otherwise it'll just catch up with you. Epic cringe. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghead ranter Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 We used to be encouraged to develop our staff by establishing what was their 'burning platform' Ie imagine 2 very tall buildings close together, with a plank of wood between the 2 roofs. Under normal circumstances, you wouldn't walk across the board from one to the other, but under certain circumstances you would eg if the building you were on was on fire underneath you. I used to have a discussion at every monthly review with my manager as to whether I had 'established all my team's burning platforms yet'. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SodjesSixteenIncher Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Company websites are the new frontier of trendy communications w**k."About us", "our staff", "contact us" are no longer acceptable tabs for the self-respecting trendy bellend. Either apparently is using capital letters absolute anywhere. Was looking on a suitably w**k website for someone's contact details today. "our ecosystem" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cracowjambo Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 What happens if the plank of wood goes on fire? Then you drink a can of red bull and fly to safety. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raidernation Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I have an interview tomorrow, I'll see how many the wifie uses 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Raidernation Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 Teaching was fun at times, commitment to excellence, holistic approach, responsible for their own learning 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sophia Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I had this come to me as part of a CV last week: "Forward facing customer role in a retail, charity, environment requiring good awareness and attention to detail." The applicant did not make my shortlist. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghead ranter Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I had this come to me as part of a CV last week: "Forward facing customer role in a retail, charity, environment requiring good awareness and attention to detail." The applicant did not make my shortlist. One I got in the past listed their responsibilities as "making sales, cash handling/balancing, stock control and display." She worked on an ice cream van. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted April 28, 2014 Share Posted April 28, 2014 I had this come to me as part of a CV last week: "Forward facing customer role in a retail, charity, environment requiring good awareness and attention to detail." The applicant did not make my shortlist. One I got in the past listed their responsibilities as "making sales, cash handling/balancing, stock control and display." She worked on an ice cream van. I think that Sophia's example may have previously been employed down Leith way. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted April 29, 2014 Share Posted April 29, 2014 What happens if the plank of wood goes on fire? "all inclusive bridge facilitator" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Easy Posted April 29, 2014 Share Posted April 29, 2014 Was given the following bus analogy a few years ago; Are you on the bus? Going the same direction as the rest of the team Are you the one driving the bus? Are you leading the team Are you waiting at the bus stop? Are you standing around just doing the minimum required No. Just no. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boghead ranter Posted April 29, 2014 Share Posted April 29, 2014 Was given the following bus analogy a few years ago; Are you on the bus? Going the same direction as the rest of the team Are you the one driving the bus? Are you leading the team Are you waiting at the bus stop? Are you standing around just doing the minimum required No. Just no. We got a new Top Banana about 18 months ago, who told the management in her first meeting to "either get on the bus or find a new form of transport". Is there an online course that all these 'top' people are completing or something? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
banana Posted April 29, 2014 Share Posted April 29, 2014 Widening the conversation a little, KPI's and logging timesheets does my fcuking nut in. Both bullshit, everyone knows they're bullshit, yet the panto reigns supreme in order to make sure some upper management have data to make ultimately meaningless and inaccurate graphs and tables. Cock off. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted April 29, 2014 Share Posted April 29, 2014 If your KPIs were done the way we used to do ours, they'd be totally useless at indicating anything... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cardinal Richelieu Posted April 29, 2014 Share Posted April 29, 2014 If your KPIs were done the way we used to do ours, they'd be totally useless at indicating anything... KPIs are an easy way for managers to prove that their underlings are doing their jobs "right". Where in actual fact they force to staff to ensure that they don't do their job right, and instead contribute in a box-ticking facade. e.g. I might have a KPI to produce 100 widgets a day. You can be damned sure I'll churn out 100 widgets a day, at the expense of everything, including safety, quality and customer satisfaction. Slightly simplistic way of looking of things, but it's certainly my impression. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jacksgranda Posted April 29, 2014 Share Posted April 29, 2014 KPIs are an easy way for managers to prove that their underlings are doing their jobs "right". Where in actual fact they force to staff to ensure that they don't do their job right, and instead contribute in a box-ticking facade. e.g. I might have a KPI to produce 100 widgets a day. You can be damned sure I'll churn out 100 widgets a day, at the expense of everything, including safety, quality and customer satisfaction. Slightly simplistic way of looking of things, but it's certainly my impression. We were supposed to do KPIs at every site meeting. They usually got done every three months whenevr the Housing Executive Project Manager remembered about them. Everybody got a good to a bit better than good mark, rather than the truth. As an idicator that anyone - contractor, employer, consultant - was actually doing their job, it was useless. A "secret ballot" would have been better - but that would no doubt have compromised an "open and transparent" scrutinising policy. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.