Poet of the Macabre Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 After spending Wednesday and Thursday on the cider, it got me on Friday.I could have fertilised a fair few fields with the amount of shite being evacuated. One bit must have been near enough a footlong, it was touching the water while still holding on for dear life. I had to lie down afterwards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adolfo Rios Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Spent half the morning on the shitter. Not so much "dropping the kids of at the pool", more like "Throwing the kids in head first to a watery grave". My arse is like the Japanese flag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big River Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Spent half the morning on the shitter. Not so much "dropping the kids of at the pool", more like "Throwing the kids in head first to a watery grave". My arse is like the Japanese flag. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I made a massive tactical error last night. I kinda got the gentle "pangs" that the possibility of a turd might not be too far away at about 11pm. However i'd just made a coffee and had the toast on, and as i wasn't completely dying for one, i didn't bother. As sometimes happens, the need for a shit totally disappeared, overnight. I got up this morning, had a w**k, a bath, got dressed, wolfed down breakfast, and decided to have a quick fag before leaving for work. Disaster. This last minute fag only served to pull the pin out of the chod grenade and i had to swiftly make my way to the council gritter, where what can only be described as a "Gaseous Clay" (see my sig for description) exited my starfish at fucking lightspeed. The nightmare didn't end there. There wasn't a lot of bog roll left, so sheets had to be used very sparingly, which of course brought the possibility of breaching the hull into play. I JUST had enough to clean my arse (which must have resembled the top of a fucking marmite jar going by what exited minutes previously). However i spent the rest of today paranoid as f**k that i'd missed a bit and thought i was walking about the office giving off a faint whiff of sh**e. I had to nip intop the work bog to perform a litmus test on more than one occasion, just to make sure. I was fucking annoyed though. Why do shites only want to appear at the least convenient moments? Thanks to this mornings installation of bathroom broadband, i ended up going into work 20 minutes late and losing a whack of flexi time. C**t. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheesefiddler Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I made a massive tactical error last night. I kinda got the gentle "pangs" that the possibility of a turd might not be too far away at about 11pm. However i'd just made a coffee and had the toast on, and as i wasn't completely dying for one, i didn't bother. As sometimes happens, the need for a shit totally disappeared, overnight.I got up this morning, had a w**k, a bath, got dressed, wolfed down breakfast, and decided to have a quick fag before leaving for work. Disaster. This last minute fag only served to pull the pin out of the chod grenade and i had to swiftly make my way to the council gritter, where what can only be described as a "Gaseous Clay" (see my sig for description) exited my starfish at fucking lightspeed. The nightmare didn't end there. There wasn't a lot of bog roll left, so sheets had to be used very sparingly, which of course brought the possibility of breaching the hull into play. I JUST had enough to clean my arse (which must have resembled the top of a fucking marmite jar going by what exited minutes previously). However i spent the rest of today paranoid as f**k that i'd missed a bit and thought i was walking about the office giving off a faint whiff of sh**e. I had to nip intop the work bog to perform a litmus test on more than one occasion, just to make sure. I was fucking annoyed though. Why do shites only want to appear at the least convenient moments? Thanks to this mornings installation of bathroom broadband, i ended up going into work 20 minutes late and losing a whack of flexi time. C**t. Horrible Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoBNob Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 I made a massive tactical error last night. I kinda got the gentle "pangs" that the possibility of a turd might not be too far away at about 11pm. However i'd just made a coffee and had the toast on, and as i wasn't completely dying for one, i didn't bother. As sometimes happens, the need for a shit totally disappeared, overnight.I got up this morning, had a w**k, a bath, got dressed, wolfed down breakfast, and decided to have a quick fag before leaving for work. Disaster. This last minute fag only served to pull the pin out of the chod grenade and i had to swiftly make my way to the council gritter, where what can only be described as a "Gaseous Clay" (see my sig for description) exited my starfish at fucking lightspeed. The nightmare didn't end there. There wasn't a lot of bog roll left, so sheets had to be used very sparingly, which of course brought the possibility of breaching the hull into play. I JUST had enough to clean my arse (which must have resembled the top of a fucking marmite jar going by what exited minutes previously). However i spent the rest of today paranoid as f**k that i'd missed a bit and thought i was walking about the office giving off a faint whiff of sh**e. I had to nip intop the work bog to perform a litmus test on more than one occasion, just to make sure. I was fucking annoyed though. Why do shites only want to appear at the least convenient moments? Thanks to this mornings installation of bathroom broadband, i ended up going into work 20 minutes late and losing a whack of flexi time. C**t. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cynical Saintee Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Nothing like shit to bring out the poet in people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cheesefiddler Posted August 20, 2009 Share Posted August 20, 2009 Nothing like shit to bring out the poet in people. It is Scotland. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Freud Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 Anyone else here drink a ridiculous quantity of vodka & red bull over the weekend? Is THIS the result?I've only just recovered from the trauma of dropping a massive turd that appeared to be british racing green in colour. I've also been pishing greeny/yellow all fucking day All joking aside, I'd give NHS 24 a ring - seriously. That sounds like a problem with your liver. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
well fan for life Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 All joking aside, I'd give NHS 24 a ring - seriously. That sounds like a problem with your liver. Which I imagine may well be down to those vodka and red bulls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted August 21, 2009 Share Posted August 21, 2009 All joking aside, I'd give NHS 24 a ring - seriously. That sounds like a problem with your liver. It's OK. That was months ago and i'm not dead yet. Besides, my lengths of dirty spine have become somewhat more normal in colour of late, especially since switching to vodka and lemonade (mostly). Which I imagine may well be down to those vodka and red bulls. That was indeed a possible cause Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gorilla Posted August 25, 2009 Share Posted August 25, 2009 Well after a recent bout of some gastric bug last week which at first caused a little but of the liquidy shits normally associated with a gastric bug after that liqudy evacuation I thought I was fine as I was feeling empty. So fine after that had stopped I thought great I'm getting better. Nope I did "dry up" but I remained shite free for about 4 or 5 days and had the classic constipation symptoms nearing the drop time including those nasty atomic farts that could kill anything behind you and once the atomic farts had started I had about a days worth of false alarms where when I decided to bare my arse to the pas I would only let out rather loud versions of the atomic farts. However approaching 5pm this little rumble was the one and I made my way to the isolation booth and prepared for what I thought would be a slightly uncomfortable delivery. How wrong could I have been after about 30 minutes of encouragement the bomb was released and it was of epic proportions two large logs that I just couldn't believe what had left what was left of my arse. I have never ever had a shite that was so large I was nearly in tears delivering it. Once delivered not much cleaning was required just a wipe with what I could only describe as sandpaper not toilet paper. Thought that was the end of my session of pain after having the clearance sale but that was just the beginning of the extreme after burn I began to suffer only to cap it off just before bed when the final resident decided to leave and this one went without even offering a free inspection as it went at speed it didn't even make a splash as it entered the water and disappeared around the bend no initial pain associated but yes as a bedtime present I was gifted another bout of after burn by the turd fairy. I think my arse is still trying to recover and rebuild it's self. Anyway at least normal service has resumed this week and I hope I never experience another lock in session like that one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cynical Saintee Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 Oh f**k. Just had lots of Mexican food followed by beer. Not just any mexican food, but fried fajitas with extra spicy salsa. Bracing self for 10 kiloton payload. I can feel it. I don't envy my toilet paper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted September 3, 2009 Share Posted September 3, 2009 Oh f**k. Just had lots of Mexican food followed by beer. Not just any mexican food, but fried fajitas with extra spicy salsa. Bracing self for 10 kiloton payload. I can feel it. I don't envy my toilet paper. I feel for you. I suspect a severe episode of the sour apple quickstep shall soon be upon you. I fucked up on an epic scale the weekend past. A fucking hot curry on Saturday before a piss up, followed by corn on the cob on Sunday night. I've been knocking out sweetcorn-encrusted bum cigars all week. Normally i could handle such a thing, but factor in the use of cheap toilet paper, coupled with the fierce heat, most likely thanks to that curry, has resulted in me wincing in pain on each visit to the chamber of horrors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
well fan for life Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 I feel for you. I suspect a severe episode of the sour apple quickstep shall soon be upon you.I fucked up on an epic scale the weekend past. A fucking hot curry on Saturday before a piss up, followed by corn on the cob on Sunday night. I've been knocking out sweetcorn-encrusted bum cigars all week. Normally i could handle such a thing, but factor in the use of cheap toilet paper, coupled with the fierce heat, most likely thanks to that curry, has resulted in me wincing in pain on each visit to the chamber of horrors. That there is a catalogue of calamities. You've only yourself to blame, son. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleMissSunshine Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 I have two stories to share, one personal, one professional. But lets start at the beginning... When I was 10 I got one of those really nasty gastric bugs, where I puked and shat myself to half to death. I had managed to get over the vomiting stage of my ordeal and thought (naively) that perhaps I was getting better. I awoke at 2am to what can only be described as a warm sticky feeling in the nether reigions. Sensing something was very wrong I decided to get up an go to the loo to check things out. I was not prepared for what I found. I was literally clarted in sh*te, it was everywhere, places poo should never be. I then had to wake my mother an tell her what I'd done. It was so bad she had to hose me down with the shower. If that wasn't bad enough, after all that palava, I then woke up 2 hours later in exactly the same situation. Moving on, my next story I feel is somewhat worse. I work as a nurse and whilst on shift one day I was looking after a particulary firey old woman with dementia. She had done a wee jobby in her bed (on a pad) and I was trying to get her to roll over to get the pad out an clean her wee bum. Well, she decided she didnt need my help to get the pad out and yanked it out herself, herling it in my direction. It landed, butter side down, on my bare arm. It was like someone had poured a tin of warm mushy peas on me. I don't think I've ever scrubbed my arm so much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin_Nevis Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 I have two stories to share, one personal, one professional.But lets start at the beginning... When I was 10 I got one of those really nasty gastric bugs, where I puked and shat myself to half to death. I had managed to get over the vomiting stage of my ordeal and thought (naively) that perhaps I was getting better. I awoke at 2am to what can only be described as a warm sticky feeling in the nether reigions. Sensing something was very wrong I decided to get up an go to the loo to check things out. I was not prepared for what I found. I was literally clarted in sh*te, it was everywhere, places poo should never be. I then had to wake my mother an tell her what I'd done. It was so bad she had to hose me down with the shower. If that wasn't bad enough, after all that palava, I then woke up 2 hours later in exactly the same situation. Moving on, my next story I feel is somewhat worse. I work as a nurse and whilst on shift one day I was looking after a particulary firey old woman with dementia. She had done a wee jobby in her bed (on a pad) and I was trying to get her to roll over to get the pad out an clean her wee bum. Well, she decided she didnt need my help to get the pad out and yanked it out herself, herling it in my direction. It landed, butter side down, on my bare arm. It was like someone had poured a tin of warm mushy peas on me. I don't think I've ever scrubbed my arm so much :lol: I'd have been tempted to hack mine off! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hank Scorpio Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Well, she decided she didnt need my help to get the pad out and yanked it out herself, herling it in my direction. It landed, butter side down, on my bare arm. It was like someone had poured a tin of warm mushy peas on me. :lol: :lol: :lol: x 9999 Is the amount of time I laughed at that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Johnny Silver Posted September 26, 2009 Share Posted September 26, 2009 The old duke of argylls have returned to haunt me ensuring an unhealthy amount of blood (and agonising spikes) in every shite. They look like Chicken Chaat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dunning1874 Posted September 26, 2009 Share Posted September 26, 2009 The old duke of argylls have returned to haunt me ensuring an unhealthy amount of blood (and agonising spikes) in every shite. They look like Chicken Chaat. Excellent mental image here. Not so excellent if it's coming out your arse I presume. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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