Celtic: The Baboon. Powerful, aggressive, prideful with a strong sense of community but an unfortunate tendency to show their arse.
Dundee: The Grouse. A fat pointless bird all too often confused with its more notable cousin which has brighter plumage.
Livingston: The Rat Snake: A highly effective constrictor, squeezes the life out of everything but no teeth.
Hibs: The Urban Fox. Wrongly considered to be a cool species but actually quite filthy and invariably found going through your bins.
St Mirren: The Zebra Loach. A stripey bottom feeder that rarely troubles the larger fish above but can be highly aggressive toward other species which scuttle around in the depths.
St Johnstone: The Labrador. Cute, loyal and very likeable but ultimately its impossible to respect something that spends much of the day licking its own arsehole
Dundee United: The Pheasant. See Dundee.
Motherwell: The Pit Pony. An amiable and hard working beast that's never too far away from getting put down.
Ross County: The Narwhal. Northern mammal. Bit of a curiosity and considered to be very sociable but capable of inflicting devastating injury.
Hearts: The Gannet. Another urban scavenger most at home at the seaside (leagues). Experts at diving.
Aberdeen: The Bull. Majestic, handsome, virile, powerful, tasty, iconic. Traditionally sent to the big city to get slaughtered.
Rangers*: I don't know. No-one likes wasps. Wasps are horrible nasty little c***s. Wasps then.