Herman Hessian

have never understood that why, as a nation of driving on the left sorts, people don't follow the same convention when fucking walking - everywhere; even folk who do not drive should just about be able to tell left from right; you could therefore have effective two-way aisles in shops far more easily would have the advantage that, on pavements etc, the folk on the right would be looking at oncoming traffic and be (marginally) better placed to react to errant vehicles, cross the road without cutting in front of others etc drives me garrity when there are soppy twats pushing their way 'against the tide' in supermarket aisles - you should be allowed to kick their trollies over...

disproportionately high number of fatalities incoming for this particular breed of moron (with a bit of luck): A number of American religious leaders have endangered their flock by holding services – and by claiming the virus can be defeated by faith in God

play with ice cream toppings, like caramel sauce or marshmallo creme...

so for your $40.00 you'll be getting a green smartie, a samphire bud and a single scrambled quail egg, served in its own shell suspended from a balloon ? bon appétit !

quite pleased with today's efforts- spent about ten hours outside; dismantled an old bit of decking and then used the wood to make a 2 x 5m fruit bed; Mrs H planted sixteen raspberry canes, redcurrants, blackcurrants and some rhubarb; this now takes up the area which was originally covered by a fucking useless hedge in the middle of the lawn for no purpose whatsoever - has took some doing to dig the b*****d out, burn it, and transform it in to the current state... here's the original fucking useless hedge: the demise of the fucking useless hedge, a couple of weeks ago... and after today's efforts:

fully intending this to be a weekend of much horticultural diligence; have ordered a DeWalt impact screwdriver to pick up from Screwfix tomorrow with the intention of disassembling a shitey piece of decking and using the planks to edge a prepared bed before planting raspberries, gooseberries, redcurrants and blackcurrants; have also bought wire to 'string' the things up on a yet to be constructed wooden frame, and a load of grass seed to replenish the lawns however, have also bought multiple bottles of shepherd neame 1698 (6.5% abv - current ale of choice for the discerning toper), two bottles of italian red and some gin - so i may just get absolutely cunted and do none of the above - who knows...

nothing fancy, but I do like this regular visitor - very incongruous splash of red... and this is nothing more than a bush full of sparrows, waiting mob-handed to descend on the feeders when the tits have had their fill...

the one where nurse holds "her" balls and asks her to cough ?

Ah, you can get 500ml ones over here. Their range of faux-hipster beers is quite good as well. Also, Castello lager made by the same mob is pretty decent, you find it at the football sometimes. can't believe that there's any need to look further than the 660ml bottles of Peroni that you can always find in Italy for €1.00 or less ! might not be the finest premium tackle for connoisseurs, but the sheer volume you can get through for very minimal fiscal outlay far outweighs any possible deficiencies (and I happen to like the stuff anyway)...

everyone should do this as a matter of common decency as galaxy chocolate is fucking rank

over the weekend I shall be showing my appreciation to the professional pornographers, enthusiastic amateurs, pliant lovelies and desperate old hoors who have helped me get through this dystopian nightmare by sacrificing some of my stockpiled toilet roll as an appreciative and interactive homage to their work; more than once, in all probability ETA - to be strictly fair, though, I will probably not be doing that outdoors - apologies if you were thinking of joining in...

except eddie large....

not quite as exotic, but mine is exactly the same shape as the US state of Colorado and very similar to Wyoming too...

what do you think ?

gravely disappointed in the majority of forecasts that have been made over the last couple of weeks or so - that looks f**k all like a sombrero - much more like a wizards's hat (leave it) or klan hood...

missed a fucking trick there - should've done it properly and gone for fully-interactive trials on TV with viewer voting for the verdict - great entertainment for all concerned during lockdown; they could bring the death sentence back for the duration to give the whole thing a bit more heft...

three times...

IMO the hardest part of this is getting the chilli sauce right - but if you can crack that, you're in hog heaven from this day forward as it's great on so many other things - might even give mrs rugster an added piquancy this is a perfect base with which to start: Lingham's Ginger Garlic & Chilli Sauce (from Amazon) - add a few chopped birdseyes, tin of passata and a heaped spoonful of lime pickle; boil it all up together for a bit - job's a good 'un...

A whole new ball game: enter the bizarre world of Athletico Mince (link to article on Guardian website)

was pretty ambivalent about the whole 'spoons thing up to this point, but really, f**k the bloke - what an utter piece of shit i really hope this is his "ratners" moment, and the fucking chain crashes and burns...

Astrophysicist gets magnets stuck up nose while inventing coronavirus device (today's guardian)

FTFY

heh - i'll see if i can weld it on to a pram

right – not strictly speaking a lockdown project, this has been ongoing for a couple of years, but I’ve had the time to really get stuck in to it over the last few days to get near completion this is a toad in the hole table, the quintessential stupid Sussex pub game popular in and around Lewes (ten mile down the road from Hessian Towers); basically a lead slab about 13 x 16” with a hole in the middle. The brass discs are the toads, and you stand eight feet from the front of the table and try and chuck ‘em in the hole (one point if the thing lands flush on the lead surface, two points in the hole – there are further intricacies but I’ll spare you the tedium until we’re really climbing the walls). You can buy the things ready-made, but they are the best part of five hundred quid, so I thought f**k that and went down the homemade route; swapped some rough cider for a load of old lead flashing off a chicken farming bloke near my previous house; since then, been melting it with a plumber’s blowtorch and pouring the molten lead in to a block – has taken fucking ages; bought a special conical drill bit to make the hole – very smart bit of kit that is, and at twenty quid represents the main outlay (other than a few canisters of campingaz for the torch) First experimental chuck of the toads (lighter shown for scale) – second one down the hole. I need to fit some copper sheet round the edges to smarten the thing up (which will make it unique – none of the pub versions have such finery), fix it on to a slightly more robust table and generally tart it up. Eventually, I’m going to fetch it down the local pub and get a team going (new leagues starts in the Autumn); this will prove the final justification for hours of ‘wasted time’ as it’ll be an excuse to get down the pub every Monday night – plus training sessions, of course !