Fullerene

When somebody tells you that one of the chemical elements has the same name as a football club but they don't tell you which one.

Radioactive isotopes that have a half life of seconds. "Hey everybody - look what I have discovered. Oh dear, it's gone."

Yeah, actually I got that wrong. Apparently there is a myth that they do not say "Batman". The screen displays the word "Batman" at the same time that the horns go "er-ur" (sorry I don't know how to write horn sounds). This gives the subliminal idea that there are voices saying "Batman". In truth, there are voices saying "Batman". My new tip is this - ignore any tips from me!

When singing the theme tune to Batman - remember - there are no words!

Martians who think everybody is telepathic and don't bother to learn to speak the language.

If you are applying to NASA, to go on the first manned mission to Mars :- get your punctuation and spelling wright or they won't take you seriously! .. and buy a hat.

Recently read a book called "Black Box Thinking" by Matthew Syed (who is also described as the top Table Tennis player in the UK). It is all about attitude to failure (including "we learn from our mistakes") It starts off comparing the aviation industry and the health service. Basically, flying is the safest way to travel because all accidents are investigated - not so much to apportion blame, but to ensure the same thing does not happen again. It then goes on to subjects like the manufacturer of washing powder, dyson cleaners, the British Tour de France team, marginal gains, Mercedes Benz team in Formula 1, David Beckham as a footballer who practised thousands of free kicks and so on. Interesting read

.. but it does mean to go up.

Escalators have got the wrong name – well half of them do. I have no problem with the ones that go up. To escalate means to go up, so that is fine. That is the correct use of the language. Bur what exactly is a down escalator? One that escalates you downwards? Sorry, no, that makes no sense – it is a contradiction, an oxymoron. .. and you can’t just call it a de-escalator, since de-escalate means to stop going up. Oh, and don’t get me on to when they stop working and you have to try using them like ordinary steps – that really is really, really , really annoying – worse than stubbing your toe, hitting your thumb with a hammer or a paper cut – aargh. Anyway, a down escalator should really be called something like a descentator. Similarly the up escalators should be called ascentators. In fact, if you really insisted on these terms, pokes people in the ribs, slapped them in the face and forced them to use these new words, they would be so annoyed with you, they would stop being annoyed about anything else and this whole thread could be simplified. What do you think?

escalators

You are testing me. I am losing it.

Hold on a minute. Are you licenced to dispose of toxic waste?

Have you tried hitting it with a stick?

Prime numbers

Oh dear, sarcasm. Still smarting over that cup defeat in 1995?

It is all about the pan - the pan - the pan. I have had good omelettes and bad omelettes, I have made good omelette and bad omelettes. it is all about the pan. A super hot pan is essential - or the whole thing sticks. Put the butter or oil in the mix - not in the pan. Not that I always remember - hence more bad omelette days to come.

In that case, what about a presentation on the history of PowerPoint and how it works. That will teach them about irony.

It is also known as Asthma Island - since most of the population have asthma. They all derive from 7 families of which 4 had asthma. Try "Asthma Island" on YouTube to see more.

Just be honest with them. Say you had no ideas what to talk about so you went on to Pie and Bovril and asked for ideas. As expected, you got some excellent responses, such as Shakespeare, Quantum Physics, Landscape gardening in Peru, the effects of climate change on the iguana population of Papua New Guinea, geophysics, carbon dating of the ancient Caledonian Forest, America's on-going ban of haggis, malt whisky, an island in the Atlantic called Tristan de Cunha, scrabbled eggs, the ozone layer, washing powder, shinty and aardvarks. That should keep it going for five minutes. Good Luck.

You realise, of course, that some poor civil servant will now have to make discrete enquiries to see if there is any truth to this - and if so - has national security been breached - i.e. what else do you know. "Excuse me, Mam, a small delicate matter I need to discuss with you concerning national security ..."

Spaghetti Junction in Birmingham was originally made of spaghetti - hence the name.

Q.: In 500 words or less, can I explain why English was tricky for me. A.: Easy. Never had enough to say.

When customs officials from Diego Garcia asked Ronny Deila to show them his work visa, he was unable to find it. Kept muttering "I left it in a cup." They have allowed him to stay for now but asked him to leave by the summer.

While sceptical at first - this is all beginning to make sense. I always thought "The Spy Love who loved me" and "Summer Holiday" were similar films but I could not think why. All the same, I think they missed a trick not casting Hank Marvin as James Bond.

The original storyline for "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" involved aliens from outer space inventing the internet so everybody spends all their time sitting in front of a computer while the aliens quietly take control of the Earth. Sounds a bit far-fetched to me!