Raith Against The Machine

I read that women love b*****ds. So don't mention your Dad.

Advanced Higher History is much more difficult than First Year Uni.

Parchment?

You know that thing you do where you're on the phone, and you start looking for your phone because it's not in your pocket? I've started doing that with the internet. I'll be on Facebook, and I'll think "This is pretty boring, I wonder what's going on on... *looks at bookmarks* Facebook!"

I'd love to be in the audience for Question Time, just to be able to stand up and say, "I'd like to ask the panel... so, Jedward?" and then sit down, and look really intense.

The common cold is caused by homosexuals.

Attention other road users: It's raining. You will have to allow more room for braking. You will not need to drive at half the speed limit, and break sharply whenever the little orange needle dares to peer out from above the 30 line. Oh, and STAY IN YOUR OWN FECKING LANE!

Why would you take a dog to mow a meadow? It'd just get in the way. In fact, why would you mow a meadow in the first place?

One of the headlines on the BBC's RSS News Feed is "Domestic violence lessons planned". If anything, that's going to make things worse.

Don't say you don't love me...

It's one of these things that my Mum always says, and that I just take as gospel. I like the way you ask the question, though, and then do it anyway before anyone answers!

Proper, leather, "sports" trainers? No. If they're just canvassy type things, then you can stick them in the washing machine, provided you wrap them in a towel first. No idea about tumble drying.

The practical stuff for some of the geography courses looks fucking baws. A pal of mine was hauling rocks out of a river last week.

River Island or Burton, probably. Both in the Thistles.

You feel like shit? I'd go to KFC then.

You'd be surprised at just how short the journey to Dundee is. On the train, it's just short of an hour, and only stops two or three times. There's very little difference between Dundee and Glasgow, in terms of travelling. There are plenty of misconceptions about Dundee, but everyone I know who goes to Uni there loves it.

Like in Red Alert!? My God. Why am I not doing anything that lets me play with Soviet weaponry?

Are you sure there's enough petrol in it? It sounds stupid, but it's surprisingly common for new drivers to forget!

Are you watching them online so you're up-to-date with the US ones, or just the Sky One ones so you're a few weeks behind? If you have seen all of the current ones from the US, then have a wee read of the following...

The feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaar!

The adverts on this website are dreadful! I'm in a Uni computer lab, waiting for some pointless thing, and had a wee look at the First Division forum. Jesus! I've been a Platinum member for a while, and have adblock on even when I'm not logged in, so I haven't seen the ads in ages. I can't see how anyone can put up with them! Oh, and it's a near empty lab. There's nothing worse than walking into a packed lab when you need a computer, only for the four screens you can see to all have Facebook on them.

Now listen to me, you fly murdering Mafia man. I don't care for your euphemisms. Everybody here knows what you mean when you say that you "trust the fly will find its way up to the spiders' rooftop lair". We're all equally sure that you're expecting the spider to "take care" of the fly. You have knowingly and willingly sent that fly to an inevitable death! You are in complete control of the situation, and you know exactly how this is going to pan out. Don't think that by passing on the final blow to your arachnid underlings, you're passing on the responsibility for this monstrous act. Make no mistake. You have murdered that fly just as if you'd caught him in your very own net before biting him, injecting your venom and watching him writhe in agony before the paralysis freezes his exoskeleton, and the very thoughts of his tiny, fly, mind.

That's manslaughter! In fact, I'd have you convicted murder, art and part, along with the spider. Boo!

Flies aren't made of meat! They're made of fly. Fly's a mineral.

Eat it. Seriously, kill it, then eat it. Then its contributing to the circle of life, and providing you with key nutrients, just as Mother Earth wants you to have. I mean, it involves you eating a fly, which is pretty manky, but if it really starts to annoy you, I'm providing a solution that fits in with your ethos.