Ebanda's Handyman Services

I used to go to the pub for a game of pool and a few jars on a Monday night when I stayed at my parents who stay literally across the road from a 24hour ASDA. Some of the shit I woke up with on a Tuesday morning was uncalled for and my DVD collection went up drastically with a load of shite films that I didn't want but obviously thought would be good when pished.

I'll drop you off after the game. £5 petrol sound fair? Can you get a run through to Sainsburys in Kirkcaldy?

I'll give you a lift if you can get to Chapelwood in Kirkcaldy for half 6....

Affirmative people. Can I be the first P&B pleb to offer my congrats.

Good. Hearing the words "I am pregnant" gives me an irrational nervous twitch.

I thought you had cottoned on straight away!

I am making out that you may be pregnant.

Cant be ill eh?! When are you better?

Hmmmm!

Why were you sober?........

We had an unexpected briefing last night which went on for about an hour and a half and therefore engulfed five of my teams 2nd breaks, me included. Briefing ends just past ten o'clock so the folk that finished at that time just left which is obviously fair enough but then three of my team that were left all promptly pissed off on their breaks too leaving just myself and another guy sitting taking calls. I let them know I was pissed off when they came back and told them a wee bit of consideration and common sense could have prevailed which pissed off one of the girls in my team to the extent that she took an unplanned break and went through to bitch to her Mum in the adjoining team about what I was saying! f**k sake! My Team Leader is quite quiet and I feel she gets the piss taken out of her which is her fault ultimately but you just wish folk wouldn't take advantage of peoples good nature like that.

That may get used.

Ooooft! I hope we're not down the front. I'll just pretend that I dont speak English.

I'm going to Jongleurs in Edinburgh on Saturday. I'm nowhere near quick enough to respond with something intelligent and witty so hopefully they dont target me.

I have quite loose football shorts that I plan to wear. Might buy a skirt and tranny it up for the week. It'll take a lot of pain to beat the broken leg that I had so I should be fine.

Aye but my balls should still be numb for my short journey up the road. Getting called numbnuts will never be more apt.

Cheers Kilt. I'm getting local anaesthetic so hopefully the 5 minute drive back up the road wont be too bad. The doc said it'd probably be in the new year now but I got the impression he was meaning at the beginning of the new year. I'll just ask if I can stand up the side. Like Fudge, I also wondered what my tattie juice would look like but that question has been answered.

I had a consultation about getting the snip on Monday and the doctor told me all the usual stuff. One thing that stood out though was that after the operation I have to give samples to make sure no sperm is getting through and those samples have to be handed in within half an hour of 'gathering'. I dont get embarrassed about anything really but the thought of handing in my wee sample bottle just after producing it is quite gauling. I might wear a balaclava or spray water on my face and hair and say "30 seconds I had to have this in by eh?" and offer to shake their hand.

I played against High Valleyfield in the U-16's. Playing left back, neds on the side lines were trying to trip you up as you ran up the wing and our 'keeper was getting pelted with stones. Still dont know how I made it out alive after kicking one of their subs in the air off the ball. Adults were even trying to get to me. Hellish place.

Beats looking like Ray Quinn off the X-Factor.

That's me and Renton after you now ya wee shite. Cheers pal! I'm the spitting image of Artur Boruc according to my pals. The wee boy also saw a photo of him in the paper and said "There's Daddy!!".

No-one is asking you to read the Raith and East Fife stuff. Start an interesting topic about QP to give some welcome respite away from the Fife stuff instead of moaning about, but not doing anything about your grievance!

Dont you need to be over 25 to teach folk how to drive? Presuming you aren't over 25 of course.

I sorted out my wee girls room today. We were using it as a storage room as she still sleeps through with us so it took me a good hour and a half to clear out. Then I fixed her wee pink flower light to the wall, got her wee pink flower rug on the floor and then built her nice wee cot up. Only to find that Next delivered the wrong fucking mattress for her cot!