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The Alan Partridge Thread


Swampy

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"I can read you like a book. And not a very good book, and certainly not Bravo Two Zero by Andy McNab, which actually improves with every read."

^Everyone on the thread should be wheeling that beauty out every time someone tries and fails to skill-move past them on FIFA.

Probably going to reactivate my Xbox Live subscription specifically to do this.

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TV and Film Forum for this pish I suppose, but this never gets old:

Nup. For one thing, Partridge left TV (TV didn't leave him, no matter what anyone says) for radio, and more recently, digital radio. For another, he's a published author and motivational speaker.

greggy.png

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Probably going to reactivate my Xbox Live subscription specifically to do this.

I said that quote relentlessly to everyone I came in contact with for about 3 weeks. As you could imagine it became pretty tiresome to others very quickly, but I still thought it was absolutely hilarious.

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South African businessman episode was on last night, so many classic lines.

I'm not a peadophile Alan!

Alan you caaaant! Well there's no need for that.

Lynn, go nuclear!

Alan goes into the house to check on Michael:

Alan: Hello, Michael. Do you want to be on your own?

Michael: Oh, no. Fine, it’s nice. Have a bit of company, you know. Keep the demons at bay.

Alan: I was just thinking, actually. Could you imagine if we were the last two peole on earth, camped out up here?

Michael: Oh, aye! We’d have to breed!

Alan: Yeah. I think I’d prefer to adopt. Men can these days.

Michael: I’d adopt a greyhound. Coz the last one I had was right clever you know.

Alan: Yeah, if they were that clever they would know that thing that they chase after, isn’t a rabbit.

Michael: Mind you, you know, if this fireplace conference gans well you could get yourself a helicopter.

Alan: Yeah, I’d love to fly a helicopter. There’s no doubt about it, Michael, the world’s getting smaller.

Michael: Aye, that’s global warming.

Alan: No, that’s something different. I’d just like to fly a helicopter all around Norfolk. You know, swoop down over a field. Scare a donkey so that it falls into a river. Hover over one of those annoying families that go on holidays on bikes. And shout at them “get out of the area!” and watch them panic!

Michael: Me, I’d have an Apache attack helicopter.

Alan: Oh, great.

Michael: I’d gan back to school. First I’d take out the labs. And then I’d type into the attck computer “Mr Cragg, chemistry teacher”, blow him to bits!

Alan: Yeah, I know the feeling.

Michael: Then I’d gan looking for Tom Donaldson.. I’d be hovering, just doon the road from his hoose, there. And he’s see us, but I’d duck down behind the trees. And he’s thinks he’s safe, right. And he’s just about to put his key in the front door, and I’d come up from behind the hedge “Hello, you b*****d!”. He panics, right. And he gans in the hoose. So I get the 30mm canon, and I take out the fish pond. Koi carp in there, £20 each, right. And then, I’ll just tilt the helicopter over to one side, and the machine gun bullets are chewing up the drive, right. He comes oot “Oh no! not me Triumph Stag, I’ve just had it resprayed!”. I cut it right in half, right. And then he gans “Aaarrgh!”, and he runs up on the garage roof. I say “Right, this if for you, Tom” he goes “No, no!”. He’s beggin us, he’s begging us, man. “No! Please! Don’t!”. And then I fly off to Cornwall, and just smash into the sea in a big ball of flames.

Alan: Sleep well, Michael! Who’s Tom Donaldson?

Michael: Oh, he’s just a mate.

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