Shagger Fantasists

[welshbairn]

5 minutes ago, Sergeant Wilson said:

Do you just need to tell them you're a soldier?

I'd chance your luck at butler.

[PB1994]

Only one I know of who came up with these lies was, oddly enough, a lassie. Started with her telling us she'd shagged a Morton player which I believed and got no real reason to doubt it but, being a Morton fan, I found it a nice juicy story. So she came back a while later listing a few other Morton players she'd shagged and that they all knew about it. Again, no reason to doubt it, football players are known for passing lassies roon like scud books (although maybe not in the Scottish 3rd tier as much as they do it at Chelsea)

Started just ignoring her stories but at a party she started telling us all how the night before she had been in an orgy with half the team taking turns at her until my mate pointed out Morton were playing in Peterhead that night and would have been, at best, half way down the M8 at the time she was supposed to be being poled by half a dozen footballers.

Then some guy from Greenock died in a car crash. Never knew him myself but a few of my pals went to school with him and he was happily settled with a bird (who I think was pregnant) and she was tearfully letting everyone know they had been having this year long affair (whilst being spitroasted by the Morton squad) and he was gonna leave his missus for her and had bought an engagement ring. Was putting on these crocodile tears saying he on the phone to her just before he crashed. Different mate said he should spent the money on a hands free kit instead.

Never saw her much after she'd been rumbled.

On a scale of Old Kent Road to Mayfair how much rent were the Morton players paying each other everything they pumped her?

[diegomarahenry]

1 hour ago, StoneStacker said:

I'm ex Scots Guards way back when a pint cost 50p, This was a popular myth that the fuds would tell you when you first got to do cerimonials , buck hoose, windsor castle etc, total bollocks , muppets would say you would get blow jobs through the fence at the back of windsor, phone numbers from tourists at tower bridge blah blah blah only the simpeltons would carry the story on. anyway "Royal Service" was he a feckin butler ? as it aint a Regiment, prob a cook, they were always fuds n liars. Only regular shag you would get in the forces was the manky tarts that would hang around the squaddie pubs looking for a sap to marry them n get them into married quarters, they were always good for a quickie n a dose tho.

Thats most of the stories he told aye, his description of his Royal duties seemed to consist of manual labour and assisting the family on hunting trips by collecting dead things 

[Hillonearth]

2 minutes ago, diegomarahenry said:

Thats most of the stories he told aye, his description of his Royal duties seemed to consist of manual labour and assisting the family on hunting trips by collecting dead things 

Bleak.

[JJ Fae The YY]

5 hours ago, AsimButtHitsASix said:

Only one I know of who came up with these lies was, oddly enough, a lassie. Started with her telling us she'd shagged a Morton player which I believed and got no real reason to doubt it but, being a Morton fan, I found it a nice juicy story. So she came back a while later listing a few other Morton players she'd shagged and that they all knew about it. Again, no reason to doubt it, football players are known for passing lassies roon like scud books (although maybe not in the Scottish 3rd tier as much as they do it at Chelsea)

Started just ignoring her stories but at a party she started telling us all how the night before she had been in an orgy with half the team taking turns at her until my mate pointed out Morton were playing in Peterhead that night and would have been, at best, half way down the M8 at the time she was supposed to be being poled by half a dozen footballers.

Then some guy from Greenock died in a car crash. Never knew him myself but a few of my pals went to school with him and he was happily settled with a bird (who I think was pregnant) and she was tearfully letting everyone know they had been having this year long affair (whilst being spitroasted by the Morton squad) and he was gonna leave his missus for her and had bought an engagement ring. Was putting on these crocodile tears saying he on the phone to her just before he crashed. Different mate said he should spent the money on a hands free kit instead.

Never saw her much after she'd been rumbled.

Who is this Greenock female, asking for a friend....

[diegomarahenry]

24 minutes ago, Hillonearth said:

Bleak.

The only thing he has probably ridden is a moped 

Reminds me of this joke at the time

What did Dodi Al Fayed say to the Henri Paul?  Fancy coming for a drive with me and Di ? 

If you don't get it, say it out loud

[Enigma]

Was there not someone on here who said that they shagged Sharleen Spiteri?

 

She had a sweaty, hairy mingè if I recall. This was all on the no doubt long gone ‘Famous people you’ve shagged’ thread, the one Fife’s number one male model, Poet of the Macabre, made his outlandish claims. Somebody also claimed they received a BJ off Josie D’Arby but that her breath was stinking. [emoji23]

[diegomarahenry]

I once sat next to a famous Czech glamour model on a flight from Amsterdam to Prague, two of the guys I was travelling with were a few rows behind, when we were waiting on our bags, one of them asked if I had got her number or at least tried like it was a genuine possibility.  They were both in their 50's and seemed to think they were in with a shot. 

[Ross.]

Mate of mine who i’ve told a load of stories about previously was generally good for the “met her outside/after you left” type story when telling you he got his hole but you never seen him get a sniff when you were there. He didn’t really need to bother exaggerating as he generally done OK hole wise anyway, but he just had to make sure he was getting more than anyone else he knew.

I recall having a curer with him in Nicos on Sauchiehall St one day when he was boasting about the latest stunning bird he was pumping, he was going all out, showing texts from here that had sexy pictures and were very suggestive. Daft p***k clearly hadn’t read everything she sent though as one of the messages said something along the lines of “don’t worry, it happens to all guys some times”.

Never let him live that one down.

[AsimButtHitsASix]

I was once dancing/winching some lassie in Nice 'N' Sleazys and thought I was in but I suggested we nip out for a fag, she said she'd be out in a minute, and never saw her again the rest of the night. No harm done and ended up crashing at a mates near Sauchiehall Street. Next morning, as I was walking to Central, I spied her again walking in the same direction wearing the same gear (walk of shame or crashing at a pals? We'll never know). Got chatting and we went into the Weatherspoons at Central for a curer. She was from Brazil or Portugal, cannae mind, her English was a bit iffy in places and she was only in Glasgow for the week. Ended up going to the flat she was staying at next to Glasgow Green and spent a coupla days there with her.

It's only now, reading this thread, how much a total "aye, right mate" this story sounds. "Met her the next morning when no one else saw and she left the country right efter? Beardy beardy."

[TheScarf]

[AsimButtHitsASix]

Jokes. It was Hayden Panettiere

[Girth]

Apparently women love a man in uniform - is this true?

It’s just when I’m wearing my 1940’s German Army uniform in pubs the women run screaming...

Am I doing something wrong!?

[AsimButtHitsASix]

Not wearing the mask provided

[Darren]

7 hours ago, AsimButtHitsASix said:

I was once dancing/winching some lassie in Nice 'N' Sleazys and thought I was in but I suggested we nip out for a fag, she said she'd be out in a minute, and never saw her again the rest of the night. No harm done and ended up crashing at a mates near Sauchiehall Street. Next morning, as I was walking to Central, I spied her again walking in the same direction wearing the same gear (walk of shame or crashing at a pals? We'll never know). Got chatting and we went into the Weatherspoons at Central for a curer. She was from Brazil or Portugal, cannae mind, her English was a bit iffy in places and she was only in Glasgow for the week. Ended up going to the flat she was staying at next to Glasgow Green and spent a coupla days there with her.

It's only now, reading this thread, how much a total "aye, right mate" this story sounds. "Met her the next morning when no one else saw and she left the country right efter? Beardy beardy."

Sounds fishy.

[Lofarl]

Who was the guy on the famous Hayden Panettiere thread that claimed he lost his virginity while fishing near Falkirk?  If I recall it went something like two wee slappers went up to him while he was fishing and asked him if he fancied rattling the pair of them.  To which he agreed.  Then one of them started giving a tutorial, kiss here, lick there etc while her pal was getting pumped.  That was as funny as the guy shagging the Hunchback.  I still piss myself at that P&B paint image someone drew of it.

[Venti]

10 minutes ago, Lofarl said:

Who was the guy on the famous Hayden Panettiere thread that claimed he lost his virginity while fishing near Falkirk?  If I recall it went something like two wee slappers went up to him while he was fishing and asked him if he fancied rattling the pair of them.  To which he agreed.  Then one of them started giving a tutorial, kiss here, lick there etc while her pal was getting pumped.  That was as funny as the guy shagging the Hunchback.  I still piss myself at that P&B paint image someone drew of it.

The Hunchback story was fucking amazing.

[The OP]

6 hours ago, Girth said:

Apparently women love a man in uniform - is this true?

It’s just when I’m wearing my 1940’s German Army uniform in pubs the women run screaming...

Am I doing something wrong!?

On the contrary I would be very surprised if you don’t end up marrying a beautiful and successful American actress in a ceremony watched by millions of saddos.

[Venti]

1 minute ago, The OP said:

On the contrary I would be very surprised if you don’t end up marrying a beautiful and successful American actress in a ceremony watched by millions of saddos.

Pity James Hewitt isn't his father.

[D.A.F.C]

Shagging the world heavyweights missus even in your imagination seems dangerous.