Ebanda's Handyman Services Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 It has f**k all to do with football.If the latest superstar youth striker was given a chance in the first team, got put through on goal by a brilliant Chris Aitken pass (just while we're doing outrageous hypotheses, like ) and stopped to lift the ball onto the back of his neck then lie down on the turf and pretend to cycle, instead of scoring an easy goal, allowing the defenders to get back and clear, I think I'd run on the park and boot him in the stones. Not before catching an imaginary ball between my knees and flapping my arms like a puffin or something obviously, just to keep in with the general skill factor as I cripple the little chunt. There aren't enough hard man players nowadays. Big Shauny Dennis wouldnae have stood for any of this stepover pish. BANG! Up in the air and a snarled word of warning when fucking twinkletoes landed. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monster Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 He'd get a straight red nowadays. There's no contact allowed at all in the lower leagues these days. Only today the ref at Stranraer gave a free-kick against Chris Aitken because he was alongside a Stranraer player, shoulder to shoulder. Brave Chris did absolutely everything he could to avoid having to get anywhere near challenging for the ball, but sadly for him his momentum took him into the opponent, and shoulders were rubbed, in the kind of slight brushing fashion that can only lead to a modern ultra-sensible referee into vehemently gesticulating in a sort of angry little wasp-like manner for a free-kick against the offending midfield maestro. On the upside for the robust Aitken, that seemed to satisfy him that his days industry was at an end, and an immediate return to complete disinterest at the game around him that was threatening to descend into football (from windy hoofing) was quickly applied. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capybara Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 There aren't enough hard man players nowadays. Big Shauny Dennis wouldnae have stood for any of this stepover pish. BANG! Up in the air and a snarled word of warning when fucking twinkletoes landed. Tam Forsyth.Bloody hell you feared for your players life when you saw him coming in for a tackle(kill) 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xbl Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 After a week of utter insanity, I thought I'd be glad to get back to my own bed and catch up on my missing sleep (so, so much of it), and actually be sober enough to get undressed before passing out (for the first time since Wednesday)...but come midnight, I'm actually really bored. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vikingTON Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I have a hangover setting in, and after fives I think I'm going to have to amputate my legs. Pain... -1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ade Eyemond Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Glasgow when Scotland are playing and it's on TV 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheDoctor Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 No live football matches on a Sunday when the internationals are on. After Goals on Sunday I've had to contend with River City and Only Fools and Horses repeats on G.O.L.D. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Naitch Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 No live football matches on a Sunday when the internationals are on. After Goals on Sunday I've had to contend with River City and Only Fools and Horses repeats on G.O.L.D. If only you had Setanta - I'm currently enjoying the spectacle that is Weymouth vs Barrow. To be fair, it's no worse than what I've witnessed in the First Division this season. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Swampy Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 No live football matches on a Sunday when the internationals are on. After Goals on Sunday I've had to contend with River City and Only Fools and Horses repeats on G.O.L.D. Ecuador-Brazil tonight. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doulikefish Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Fecking traffic jams to get over the forth road bridge I'm fecked after 2 nights in Utrecht and I want to go home I'm on the 747 bus and Ive a mouth like an Arabs sandal 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gall09 Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 After a week of utter insanity, I thought I'd be glad to get back to my own bed and catch up on my missing sleep (so, so much of it), and actually be sober enough to get undressed before passing out (for the first time since Wednesday)...but come midnight, I'm actually really bored. f**k sake, are you ever happy? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xbl Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 f**k sake, are you ever happy? No. Pretty much never. Although if everythings against me and its all going badly, I've got a lovely line in gallows humour. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reynard Posted March 29, 2009 Share Posted March 29, 2009 I was sitting on a bench with my daughter this morning down the beach watching my son throw sand at passers by. Next to us an older couple parked up and out they got and unleashed this knackered looking border collie. It was one of those nervous dogs that looks as if it had been thrashed to within an inch of its life. So the dug wanders over to the sea wall and sort of waits for its master to come along and put its lead on. The wifie then glances skyward and declares that there is a kite flying in the sky.(about a mile away) So the man then says "no we have to leave. She just won't enjoy herself knowing it's there". So he opens the back door and the ancient dog scuttles in. Then the wifie says I wonder why she wont go for walks when there are kites flying. And the bloke says, it's probably some instinct thing from 2 million years ago when dinosaurs were flying in the sky. I don't know. It just pissed me off. I wish my son had thrown sand in his face instead of the nice sensible couples he was doing it to. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
An Sionnach Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Berwick lost. Scotland lost. Poland lost. Wales lost. The Republic only drew. England won! And the daft old 84 year old bat in the downstairs flat fell asleep whilst boiling up a pan of cabbage and burnt it. Now the whole place smells like the opening paragraph of Orwell's 1984: The hallway smelt of boiled cabbage and old rag mats. Could have been worse I suppose - she might have burnt the whole place down! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Phoenix Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 Kilted lunatics who are prone to exaggerate. The average lifespan of a bat is 30 - 40 years. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
An Sionnach Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 (edited) Kilted lunatics who are prone to exaggerate. Right, all the fottie footie results are correct so I can only assume you're referring to the old bat boiling her cabbage pan dry. Honestly, the whole place was reeking. When I chapped her door, she apologised and said that it was only her daughter phoning her that had woken her up and, when her daughter said 'You seem to be coughing a lot mum' she realised the pan was still on the stove and her flat was full of smoke. I kid you not - the whole place was reeking for hours afterwards! It's only a small place.... SEE! Edit: 1. I couldn't spell 'footie' and 2. The whole 'bat' thing has just wooshed me! Edited March 30, 2009 by Kilt 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Whistle Blower Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 My son has new shoes. When he walks he now spends all his time admiring his new shoes, and not noticing where he is going. His napper is close to resembling a noughts and crosses grid with bruising. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Phoenix Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 The whole 'bat' thing has just wooshed me! I really can't believe you fell for that. Your original post lays claim to an 84 year old bat. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
An Sionnach Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 I really can't believe you fell for that. Your original post lays claim to an 84 year old bat. 1. Yes I did fall for it..... 2. I Googleimaged '84 year old bat' andd got this.... ....which is a pretty good likeness of the demented potential arsonist! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest The Phoenix Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 She's either pregnant or someone has "possessed" her stomach - it looks like an imprint of a face is pushing through her rather sexy looking dress. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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