I Google searched for the totally real and ultra rare "adidas Old Kilpatrick" and found a website called faketrainers4unotrealshithead.Philippines.scam.com.org and bought them in good faith for $79.95, but when a pair of old Gola arrived in their stead, I took to P&B to find my avenger!
But rather than a hero, I instead found a cruel and mocking supervillian, who made a, clearly jesting, post about working for VISA stating that he could cure what ails me. I immediately sprang into action and sent him a PM, then, when he revealed that I was an idiot, I just as quickly made a bunch of hollow threats on the forum and disappeared for a long, long time.
Excelsior!