monkeyblair
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Posts posted by monkeyblair
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22 hours ago, WeAreElgin said:
I set Match Of The Day 2 to record every week as I like to watch it on a Monday or Tuesday morning once the kids have buggered off to nursery when I'm working from home. If I haven't watched it by midday on a Monday then I'll find it in the Deleted section, every single week.
When I pull her up on it I get the "oh I thought you had watched it"
Aye, that'll be why it says recorded and not viewed, eh? c**t. I should find a way to block all future recordings of Hollyoaks out of protest.
Shouldn't you be working at that time...
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On 25/06/2017 at 11:22, Stinky Bone said:
Woman places and advert in newspaper. "Wanted: Tall, dark, handsome man that can satisfy my sexual needs to the fullest. Reply to 3 Horny Avenue, Shagton, Fannyburgh."
Next day an Italian man comes to her door and the woman says "Wow, you are tall, dark and handsome, tell me how you can satisfy me."
The Italian says, "I will make love to you while I drive at 150 mph in my Ferrari."
Woman says, " You are not for me, you would be too busy concentrating on your driving to pay me much attention, besides I don't like fast cars."
A day later a Frenchman appears at her door, same question was asked, " Wow, you are tall, dark and handsome, tell me how you will satisfy me?"
Frenchman, "I will cook you some classic French cuisine and then make mad passionate love to you."
Woman replies, "Nope, your breath stinks of garlic and I don't like snails. Your not for me."
Many days later the woman is losing all hope of getting her hole, when her doorbell rings. She answers it and at first thought nobody was there but then sees a 3 feet tall dwarf with no legs or arms on her doorstep. "Can I help you" says the woman.
"I am here about the advert in the paper" replies the dwarf.
"But you are neither Tall dark or handsome" says the woman. "What makes you think you could satisfy me?"
Limbless Dwarf replies, "I managed to ring the doorbell didn't I"
And Snow White lived happily ever after with her dwarf and her dildo called Pinocchio.
Long post + no green dots = didn't bother to read.
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Sour cream dip.
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This thread was good when people posted jokes...
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Is it a gloopy white dip used with veg pakora brought to you by Mr Ali?
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Coconut ice cream
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A tampon string
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On 16/06/2017 at 13:13, monkeyblair said:
Took a walk down Argyle Street (heading to look at the Big Yin mural in the Gallowgate) and must have been stopped by at least half a dozen charity workers / beggars / god botherers.
Despite politely turning down any requests to take part in any surveys / donate cash / join a cult you are often still made to feel like a third rate citizen.
I have had quieter walks down the strip in Las Vegas.
On the plus side I did come face to chest with the tallest woman I have ever seen - she was quite a specimen.
In other Argyle Street based news - today they are handing out Hovis Wholemeal loaves to the neds of Glasgow.
Apparently asking for plain bread instead of wholemeal would 'defeat the purpose of us being here'.
FFS
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1 hour ago, Shandon Par said:
Are we getting a pic?
Apologies, no.
Back at work with no camera access - be my guest.
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The hand of a clock.
A bee clock.
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Tiny
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Bingo
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Left
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Burnt
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Beans
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Breakfast
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Jupiter
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Johnsons Cotton Buds have just changed from plastic sticks to flimsy cardboard based ones.
Bend like f**k after you have been howking at your ears.
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Love
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A spokey dokey
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I guess it harps back to the thought that to be 'professional' in an office type environment you need to be in 'business dress'.
1970's logic really.
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On 13/06/2017 at 17:30, deej said:
A zoo keeper had to clean out the piranha cage one day, but somehow contrived to accidentally killed one, hoping that no one would notice, he just threw it into the lions enclosure to dispose of the evidence.
"Aye not bad to be fair, so far this week we've had fish, chimps and mushy bees"
Decent joke but technically it would be tough to keep piranha's in a cage.
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Unfortunately it also clashes with the Edinburgh Beach Volleyball Championships at Portablow this weekend..
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Infuriating Things Your Partner Does
in The General Nonsense Forum
Posted
The answer 'no' to the first question would have stopped the subsequent one's.