AMMjag

Big Tommers is wiping his shitey hoop all over this Arsenal midfield.

30:00 HUBLOT

The lads over at beIN would flush his stupid face down the toilet if he turned up there.

To be honest, I've never been all that convinced that this Thomas Tuchel has the kind of calibre required to manage The Chels. Managing in your half empty grounds in the German liga is one thing, it's another level to get your results at the likes of Elland Road, St Mary's, the American Express, etc. Tell you what, here's a name for you: John Terry.

A few keepie-ups to wind up the opposition: bad. Rolling down the window to spit on a child: fair game.

Mo Salah has been a glorified Aiden Nesbitt for about 6 months. Complete waste of a jersey.

Raw pearl barley is cheaper than both rice and pasta (albeit a bit longer to cook) and can be used in mostly the same ways. A 500g bag from morrisons is 65p and will easily serve 10. It looks like dug sick but I made a barley cheese bake with broccoli and bacon. All ingredients in - barley, bacon lardons, broccoli, courgette, cheddar, cream cheese, stilton, ham stock cube - I worked out the cost per portion about 85p (make it veggie and its about 50p).

Getting asked to take my gran to the hospital, but I'm going to have to rewind that right away to watch it again. Can't quite comprehend the quality of what I've watched.

Good to see The Arse back to their fluent, free-flowing best. The Manchester City fairytale is compelling, but you can't tell me it's not important to have your traditional clubs at the top end of the Barclays Premiership. I'm talking about your Arsenals, your Chelseas, your Tottenham Hotspurs.

You'd think Colin Weir was Jackie Husband or something with the nick of those statements. The club is a necrocracy; all of this legitimised by the presumed wishes of a deed fat guy whose only notable talents were shovelling scotch pies and remembering to stick the numbers on. Get them hounded.

Struggling to keep the nut at work thinking about MNF tonight. Will probably take the afternoon off #Bzzzzz #Barclays30

The best thing they can do is cut their budget and appoint some mug for 1-2 years to take the flak while they attempt to clear out the dross - when this process is complete, go all Galactico on the coaching and playing staff. This should have been what the Solksjaer appointment was about, but they seemed caught on the pretense that he was some great saviour and ambassador of their 'traditions' and 'history'. If they're intent on trying to sign their way out of trouble and forcing this bald football philosophy on the squad, then priority 1A has to be a new goalkeeper who can pass a ball - De Gea is not the sole cause, but seems to be the root cause of the terror that Man Utd always play with. It's amazing to think that they could once have had £80-90m + Keylor Navas for him and actually said no to this. It's all downright tremendous entertainment though and I'll be on the phone to Sky on Monday to voluntarily double my monthly subscription fee.

I'm queasy at having Falkirk on a coupon, but backing against Peterhead and Hartlepool should prove reliable enough most weeks this season.

AZ starting to piss about at walking pace. Disappointing contribution to banter these last 15 minutes.

Yeah there's double figures in this for AZ if they want it.

Hearts to draw Man Utd in the Europa League and take the Banter Years to new levels.

Great to see Nev, Carra and the lads back for the season. Banter between @MicahRichards and Keano should be class!

We're not the most fluid team anyway with Docherty and Bannigan still playing together in the middle, but this was compounded with having no right back and Milne having a bit of a shiter as the game wore on. We might have to rotate Milne a fair bit as on the evidence of the second half he was gubbed, glued to his position and not offering enough runs. Having a variety of attacking options is still a vast improvement on the end of last season, when the game would have been finished after the first goal. I think Dowds would have been the best one to use here and after the equaliser would have been the perfect time to bring him on.

Fletcher has been outstanding, I think his presence and link up play is the difference between United being able to compete going forward as opposed to being camped behind the ball most of the match. He's also the exact type of player Middleton has desperately needed to play next to for about the last five years.

Strong Doonfermline vibes off of Dundee atm. Whilst your manager is not Peter Grant, he is nonetheless concerningly specky. Bring in Yogi before it's too late IMO.

I am, quite frankly, shocked that Paul Hartley's seaside league bargain bin XI has fallen to a 4-0 horsing on the opening day.

Ten gingies for Arjen Fitzpatrick is the deal of the window. Get the #strikeforce on and finish this.

Both Burke and McBurnie, or any other forwards at an at least modest level, are only ever a purple patch away from a call up. In recent memory we have capped Kevin Nisbet and Marc McFuckingNulty and our options in backup to Che Adams haven't improved much since.