Monster

Marvellous. I assume you're busy writing BBC sitcoms for the next few years.

So much this. Particularly when 'Happy 30th Sharon!' flaps in the wind until Sharon is either 40 or some angry fat c**t beats her to death with a tyre iron for refusing to tidy up her messy fucking bedsheets.

I cheerful this evening because I genuinely have no non-work problems. That means until Monday morning I have absolutely no fucking problems. This means I am going to drink alcohol and listen music until I pass out. I am quite certain life is awful though. Except mine, it's fucking great!

This #CutForZane shite. I'm not against it or anything, if young girls wish to injure themselves severely on the basis of a pretend musician leaving a pretend band then I just consider natural selection. It's very similar to a 33 year old virgin living with his mother and three cats that feels the need to self-hard when The Castricatchular defeats The Empelfutchicatchur in the World Wrestling Universe Mega-Forever-Awesome Champion Challenge. Shoot yourselves, you fucks. It's natural selection.

Been watching Troon for a couple of years. Stopped following Ayr about five seasons ago. Didn't feel it was my club anymore.

I'd be worried if he wasn't rebellious. It's not complaints either, it's my default setting. Can't be difficult to stop a toddler running riot in a supermarket though!

Nope. Do it yourself.

My two year old never ever disturbed anyone in a supermarket, restaurant or anywhere else. Because I did some parenting. It's not that difficult.

Walking away.

One of life's genuine pleasures. Junior football is sneered roundly by all on here, but they miss the point. It's not about the standard of football, it's about the day as a whole, the entire experience - it's great. I'm not just saying that because we got a point against Superleague leaders Irvine Meadow today, honest.

For about a year I thought he was Spanish. The way Sky pronounce his name was like: 'Ariata'. I thought they'd signed some striker from Liga Adelante.

Just f**k right off.

I was at the darts yesterday. Started at 11 a.m. with a beer on the train. Ended in a descent into near-insanity involving White Russians until the place ran out of milk, Buckie Bombs until the place ran out of energy drink, then the Buckie Bombs came with CIDER instead of energy drink. This led to falling asleep on a floor in Partick, having about five shites this morning, getting the fear big time, the shakes, paranoia and a wave of exhaustion that would make M.E. sufferers look like 100m runners. I'm now wide awake in a kind of zombie-like trance after a day of the wife ripping the piss out of me (entirely deserved) and several hallucinations about giraffes and all sorts. In fairness, I'm not sure if the giraffe one was actually a hallucination or if I was just talking to and hugging my own giraffe. Best line of the day yesterday: "Monster, I beat her at badminton so she's agreed to take it up the arse!" Indeed.

I hope you all realise those Glasgow's are just a pair of Handball Spezial with a white chav sole? I wouldn't pay £37 never mind £370.

On Saturday in Prestwick I had a Scottish Labour leaflet thrust at me. When I laughed at it and walked past the clearly not at all bitter gentleman in a bunnet called after me: "Oh, you'll be one of those SNP morons then?" The petty thing that got on my nerves was that I was leaving on a departing bus and didn't have time to verbally decimate him.

Yes, multiple pictures of flowers with "It's been 28 years since you left us mama, love and miss you every day!!!!" Keep your grief private, you undignified ingrates.

Reebok are the archetypal ned shoes. You'll need Donnay shellsuit bottoms and a Matalan cagoule with a Stone Island badge badly sewn onto the wrong arm to complete the look.

Went to Broughton Brewery yesterday. Great set up with some amazing beers. We were given a bottle of Blonde, their new hoppy craft lager. It's launched tomorrow and Aldi are stocking it. I'd recommend. Tastes more like a golden ale than lager and the hops are there but not overpowering.

So much so that I don't wear adidas trainers available in the High Street that everyone else buys en masse. So, pretty much the complete opposite of what you said, then.

Like the clearance Superstars you get at JD Sports, say? Unless you are an American gangsta rapper, there is no excuse whatsoever for wearing Superstars. They are criminally pikey.

Are you Lil Wayne?

In the flesh they just looked so cheap and nasty IMO. I think davej the Thistle fan looked at them and felt the same, but the only way you'll know is to go find a pair yourself and have a look. I have the o.g. colourway and for me they're the only ones worth having. Well, apart from a pair from 1982, of course....

Yes indeed. Although you forgot to mention that it was in poor taste and should have been deleted. Nobody should make a joke of suicide (unless you've got a celebrity in the Dead Pool, obviously).

Read your posts on this forum. Won't take long. Bratislava is an incredible, wonderful city. It's beautiful, old, easy to get around and the people are lovely. That said, there isn't a lot to do in terms of leisure outside work. It's phenomenally cheap to live in, although maybe your salary will reflect that, I don't know. it's also really warm in summer and absolutely freezing in winter, which might not suit everyone but it's a nice contrast for us Scots IMO. The one thing that might put me off is the language is a right bugger. I mean, you'd need to really be good at picking up languages to even have a chance. Learning Spanish is a lot easier.