Monster

How do you know these people were not given these decals by the International Association of Good Parenting as a reward for being World Parenting Champions 2006? Remember, to assume makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'

This is astonishing, but in our village there is an almost identical individual who lives near the school. The only difference being the girl is not six feet tall and the car is a Clio and it has two pink striped decals from the bonnet up over the roof, in a delightfully unique display of genuine tastelessness. One can only imagine what sort of reaction someone like this would expect to receive when covering up for deep seated fears and insecurities by attracting attention to oneself in this manner. Very odd.

American Head Charge - Pushing the envelope. Haedbang anyone??

Duran Duran - Electric Barbarella

Sorry man. Thoughts with you.

Blur - Parklife

I listened to the Skids - When the Saints Come earlier on. That's the closest i would ever get to kilted dung music.

Duran Duran - Girls on film Sad-yes Gay-no. Just to clear that up.....

During a particularly poor run when manager of Ayr(there were many) DL was shopping in Tesco. He saw an old lady with a dozen bags, struggling to walk, with shopping falling out the bags and going everywhere. In an uncharacteristic display of concern for the OAP, DL approached and asked: 'Can you manage luv?' To which the spirited lady replied: 'f**k off DL, you pick the fucking team, you sort it out!'

Is there any other kind?

You're quite right too. However people get very defensive when any aspect of their control over a motor vehicle is criticised. Be prepared for them to react in a negative fashion.

Just to ensure they do it EVERY SINGLE TIME from now on.......

You know, you'd think i'd be quite relieved that ayrgirls just gubbed our PC at home with this sort of effort!

And i hate fairgrounds! Lets set up a support group and whine to Woolworths for hand outs.

Where is it? Can i come too?

I'm dribbling down my chops at the moment because: I'm getting 'Walking Down The Somerset Road' by Duncan Carmichael, which is his new book about my team. Helicopter Dreams by Kierkegaard And finally, WH Smith along the road has 'All fun and games......' by that Paisley tinker and if the driving rain eases off i will get it today!

Surely this should be worn as a star of David-style armband to allow the rest of us prior knowledge of an 'unclean' approaching?

Corrosion Of Conformity - Congratulations song

Megadeth - Family Tree RAAAAARRGGHH!

Iced Earth - The Hunter(live)

American Head Charge - Fall

Yeah, you say that, but if said person was in front of me the lazy,disinterested, spotty recently fired from a chip shop girl on the till wouldn't say a bloody word!

I'm all for these machines, but as far as i know the Tesco in Irvine doesn't have them yet. Maybe they do by now, but i haven't been for months because the only day i ever had cause to go was on Sundays, and Sunday is the day when Betty the 79 year old is on the checkout. Betty is a one off. Oh yes. Smiling sweetly, she puts you right at ease as she slides your 6 pack of rolls through the scanner six times. (SIX!!!Not twice by mistake, SIX!!! And she works there! ) Of course someone with the ability to scan something six times whilst only trying to scan it once isn't going to have much luck with the pack of bacon next out of my basket are they? Sure enough, six times. Again. Really! Having had a quick recce around to check for the signs of the hidden cameras of those oh-so-hilarious BBC 4 programmes where some public schoolboy dresses up in a madcap way and makes members of the public realise how very British they are to gamely suffer a public roasting in a stoic manner from someone who five years ago was squealing and being called Lucy by their grunting, sweating form master, i realised there were in fact none present. No, sadly, Betty was trying her best. She was so obviously confused that even the pensioners in the queue who usually take longer than a butterfly wearing out a steel football by flickering it's wings along it annually to fumble the 5p's out of their purses were beginning to suck their wooden wallies. So anyway, by the time i got home and fell out with ayrgirl because the rolls were stale and my son didn't remember my name i vowed never to go to Tescos on a Sunday again. But, i gave in. Well, ayrgirl wanted bacon and i cheerfully figured Betty would have expired by now. But i hadn't counted on Gods sick sense of humour. There was Betty, but this time she had a deadly weapon. A stool. Yes, when someone older than StewartyMacs jokes is serving you whilst standing up you cling to some faint hope that she will either hurry up or die from old-age-standing-up-too-long-itis. But armed with a device to rest her varicose veined legs there is no limit to the amount of contrived fumbling and confused grinning an old woman can do on a till. Now i don't wish to give the impression i consider myself an unlucky person generally, but suffice it to say that if i went to a Tesco with these self-service scanners, it would doubtless be the one that was programmed on a Sunday morning by Betty.

Therapy - Hellbelly

I actually agree with Sam and Stewarty on this one as well. The average I.Q. of the people i have to deal with phoning my office would buy you a can of coke if it was Sterling. I sell bricks, mostly to the area around Manchester and Liverpool. This is as much as i can remember about a recent phone call from a prospective customer, i swear this is true: Him:Hello? Me: Hello, how can i help? Him: Yes, your rustic bricks, are they red? Me:Yes they are. Him: Where can i see a picture of them? Me: Have you tried our website? Him: Yes, i'm looking at a picture of them at the moment. Me:.................... People generally are completely and utterly thick, to the point where i often believe it must be a wind up because it would not be possible to be as stupid as to ask me if you can build a wall with our bricks. Of course you can't build a wall with our bricks, they are for garnishing ice-cream cones. We launched them on the marketplace as a direct competitor for hundreds and thousands, i thought that would be obvious. Now, i only have to deal with them on the phone and i can barely keep it together at times. I do not envy anyone working in a face to face customer service role. If i worked for Tesco i wouldn't last a week, unless you're allowed to pick customers up and shake them whilst screaming 'You're an IDIOT!!!!!!' repeatedly. Which i doubt.