Kmeister

Cheers. I shall give it a go.

Need some advice and accept my apologies in advance about being a clueless twat and who also does not know the technical terms. Anyway when i am cycling along and the chain is in the third or fourth biggest sprocket it keeps julping from one to another. Any suggestions as how to remedy this or should i just go and visit the local bicycle repair place?

There is an Industrial Estate just off Russell Road. About a ten minute walk to Murrayfield from there.

I stayed in a straight line when a deer jumped out in front of me as i was going down the A1. Consequence, one written off Saab and one very dead deer. Animals with no road sense should not be allowed anywhere the highways and byways. Those that do are cu*ts.

When Anthony Stokes has masochistic thoughts he dresses up as Elvis and gives himself a right good boot to the baws.

Whilst technically not on the road average speed cameras are complete c**ts. The A9 and now the road between Dundee and Aberdeen mean just trundling along with the cruise control on. They take what little fun is left in driving away.

The acronym BBC initially stood for Biased British C**ts but even the establishment realised that they wouldn't get away with that so a less controversial name was chosen. Their intial goals of only reporting all that is good with being British still remains.

Ex Gretna and Morton player Erik Paartalu played in North Korea recently for an Indian team in Asia's equivalent of the Europa League. http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/41257024

At the risk of being sensible, before Inverclyde was invented Greenock was in Renfrewshire whose principal town is PAisley. You think Greenock has it bad, Campbeltown has a PA post code also.

A pirate is walking along the road when a passerby asks, "Where are your Bucaneers?". "Under this buckin hat".

Cycled from Kirkcaldy to Dunbar on Saturday. A fine day out apart from an altercation with the tram lines just before Haymarket. One grazed knee, elbow and hand as well as a fckd thumb. Safe to say the tram line won that encounter pretty convincingly. It was also the first time that i had cycled over the Forth Bridge.

Just taken delivery of a Cannondale Quick 5. It is all nice and shiny and the thought of taking it out in this crappy weather fills me full of dread. Mind you come Monday the novelty will have worn off.

If only his parents had got off at Paisley.

Perhaps as I am old and grumpy my threshold for cuntosity is lower than the average.

Imagine Millie Tant from the Viz and her younger but uglier sister and cackling like the witches from Macbeth, Roman Polanski's version. Not pleasent to look at or listen to.

Been stuck just outside Waverley for over an hour and a half. And if that is not bad enough there are two of ugliest creatures cackling and generally displaying complete cuntery behaviour. Cuntishness of the highest order. A boot in the pie would be too good for them. My tunes can't even block them out.

The Chelsea Flower Show, Chelsea Pensioners and Chelsra FC were named after Bill and Hilary Clinton's daughter in an attempt to cement the special relationship between the UK and the USA.

The Emirates Stadium is named after what it costs to have your own record label.

Cnuts with suitcases taking up the spaces for bikes.

Cnuts that sit on an aisle seat leaving the window one empty. I take particular pleasure in adking them to move. With regards reservstions; a few years ago me and a mate were travelling from Edinburgh to London by train. Got on to find a wee Weegie wifie and a boggin' looking brat sitting on our seats. She point blank refused to move as "we wur here first son." Eventually the guard appeared and again the wifie refused to move. The guard just tutted, said follow me to the two of us and found seats in first class. We felt that it was only right to thank the women that had taken our seats. Raging wascan understatement about how she was when we broke the news to her at Kings Cross.

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. "I've never come this way before." says the one in the front. "Must be the cobbles" replies the one at the back.

How do you make a Swiss Roll? Push him down a mountain.

Dunbar Pipe Band day. Might for once drag myself away from the bar and watch a band piping.

By the time the US dropped the two atom bombs they had cracked the Japanese coding system and the end of the war would have been not long afterwards. The bombs were dropped at the behest of the Generals and Scientists who wanted to make a Statement.