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The Alternative Leigh Griffiths Blog...

St. Starko

By St. Starko
in Pie and Bovril Gold

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dundeebarry

dundeebarry

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I've been giving myself a hard time about my lack of goals recently. I set myself high standards, and when a few games go by without hitting the back of the net it dents my confidence a bit. Self-doubt starts to set in, and that's never a good thing for a footballer.

Our glorious leader, the man in cherge himself, the bold Jocky Scott must have picked up on my dip in form and mood, because he let me play a key role in Monday's training session. It's a familiar routine, and a much-loved ritual we all enjoy immensely. As the players play British Bulldogs in front of the Main Stand a giant cannon is wheeled out into the centre circle. The perma-topless Jocky gets his megaphone out and announces it's time for the weekly attack on Tannadice. We gather round the cannon and watch in awe as Eddie Malone is stripped to his pants, greased up, and issued with a crash helmet bearing the legend 'ONE TEAM IN DUNDEE'. He is then loaded into the cannon and given a large hunting knife which he clasps between his teeth. Jocky proclaims 'Lads, it's that time of the week when we get United telt by firing Eddie into Tannadice. Those tangerine-wearing fuckers are over there thinking they rule the roost in this toon. DO THEY F*CK, LADS! DO THEY F*CKING F*CK! THERE'S ONLY ONE TEAM IN DUNDEE, AND THIS IS HOW WE REMIND THEM IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE WE'RE PUMPING THEIR ARSE FOUR TIMES A SEASON AGAIN! YAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS!' We all cheer. As far as motivational techniques go it's highly unconventional, but firing a semi-naked, knife-wielding Eddie Malone from a cannon into the midst of United's training session at Tannadice is one heck of a team building exercise.

Eddie is primed and ready to go. Jocky looks at me and announces 'Lads, has everyone met Leigh Griffiths? He's been playing up front for us this season, a'c*nt should ken him by now. Leigh: I want you to light the fuse that fires Eddie this week. Get up here, c*nt face'. What an honour. What a lovely gesture by the boss. As I approach the cannon Jocky puts an arm round me. 'Nae bather, Leigh. You ken the score. I want to have a wee heart-to-heart with you later on. We'll hae a good blether, like. It'll be pure teckle like, nae doubt about it'. He gives me a playful slap in the face and hands me a lighter. 'You all set Eddie?'. 'f**k aye man, let me at the c***s. Yas!'. I light the fuse and stand back. As it burns down Jocky bellows 'WHA'S IN F*CKING CHERGE HERE, UNITED? WOOT-WOOT! THAT'S WHAT EM TALKIN' ABOOT!'.

BOOM! Eddie shoots out and arcs over Sandeman Street. He drops down over the Fair Play Stand. 'Good shot, Leigh! Good f*cking shot ya teepee-dwelling b*****d!'. Jocky's clearly delighted with this crazy behaviour. He rips his tracksuit bottoms off, revealing his Soapy Soutar-washed cock and balls and screams 'FOLLOW ME, A'BODY! TO EDDIE! THUNDERCATS - HOOOOOO!'. With that war cry he charges off out the side of the Shankly end towards Tannadice. The players let out a roar and follow.

There's chaos outside Tannadice. The United players have been chased off the pitch, out the stadium, and are running for their lives. Eddie's running them up the road waving his big knife. The stark bollock naked Jocky Scott meets them head-on. He delivers a savage flying clothesline on David Goodwillie, nearly decapitating him. He stands over him singing 'So Watcha' Want?' by the Beastie Boys through his megaphone. The Arabs scatter and flee in every direction. Victory. Eddie is carried shoulder high back into Dens. Jocky loads him back into the cannon and fires him at the Hilltown multis in order to tackle social depravation. Never let it be said that Dundee FC don't do their bit for the local community.

I get changed after training and head to Jocky's office. There's a note pinned to the door.

'Hiya Leigh. Hiya pal! There's a taxi waiting for you outside. Jump in it ya wee fanny.

Love, Jocky x

ps - wha's in cherge here?'

I walk out the ground, and sure enough there's a cab waiting. I hop in. The driver looks round and tells me Jocky is waiting for me, and that I should sit back and enjoy the ride.

The taxi drives north out the city. I sit back and wonder where the boss is, exactly. I venture a question to the driver 'here mate, where are we going?'. He responds by giving me the finger and driving on, saying nothing. We drive for more than an hour through the scenic Sidlaws and beyond. The taxi stops at the bottom of a hill. The driver tells me to get out. I do so, and find a cow with the words 'Hiya Leigh. Hiya pal! Walk to the top of the hill ya ugly f*ck' painted on it's side. I hike up the hill. I reach the summit, and lo and behold there's Jocky. He's sitting cross-legged over a ouija board. He motions me to sit down.

'Put your finger on the glass pal. This is pure mental'. I put my finger on the shot glass that Jocky's using to direct the communication from the spirit world. He speaks in hushed tones. 'Ow, spirit world: is there any c*nt there?'. The glass moves unprompted to 'yes' on the ouija board. Freaky stuff. Jocky continues. 'Ow, spirit world: wha's in cherge here?'. The glass moves slowly to J. Then O. Then C. Then K........and so forth. 'That's what em talkin' aboot ya c*nt!'. Jocky picks up the glass and throws it off the top of the hill into the heather below.

'Hiya Leigh. Hiya! You've no scored for a while. Nae bather. f**k it'.

He gets up, straps on his jetpack, and fires it up. 'See ya later, Leigh! I have every confidence in you, ya mad vagina'.

With that he takes off and scorches across the sky back towards Dundee. I'm left at the top of the hill wondering what the f*ck just happened, and indeed how I'm going to get home. Every day is an adventure when you play for Dundee. Help me Jesus. Please help me.

http://dundeebarryle...nae-bather.html

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Dunning1874

Dunning1874

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The stark bollock naked Jocky Scott meets them head-on. He delivers a savage flying clothesline on David Goodwillie, nearly decapitating him. He stands over him singing 'So Watcha' Want?' by the Beastie Boys through his megaphone. The Arabs scatter and flee in every direction.

That is just superb.

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Bigmouth Strikes Again

Bigmouth Strikes Again

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Any truth in the rumour barry that Klimpl tore his training top aff and went 'chest to chest' with Jocky? He's a hard b*****d that Klimpl, well you would be if you had spent fourteen years in the Russian military, and Israeli secret service.

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silvery tay

silvery tay

Posted
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I've been giving myself a hard time about my lack of goals recently. I set myself high standards, and when a few games go by without hitting the back of the net it dents my confidence a bit. Self-doubt starts to set in, and that's never a good thing for a footballer.

Our glorious leader, the man in cherge himself, the bold Jocky Scott must have picked up on my dip in form and mood, because he let me play a key role in Monday's training session. It's a familiar routine, and a much-loved ritual we all enjoy immensely. As the players play British Bulldogs in front of the Main Stand a giant cannon is wheeled out into the centre circle. The perma-topless Jocky gets his megaphone out and announces it's time for the weekly attack on Tannadice. We gather round the cannon and watch in awe as Eddie Malone is stripped to his pants, greased up, and issued with a crash helmet bearing the legend 'ONE TEAM IN DUNDEE'. He is then loaded into the cannon and given a large hunting knife which he clasps between his teeth. Jocky proclaims 'Lads, it's that time of the week when we get United telt by firing Eddie into Tannadice. Those tangerine-wearing fuckers are over there thinking they rule the roost in this toon. DO THEY F*CK, LADS! DO THEY F*CKING F*CK! THERE'S ONLY ONE TEAM IN DUNDEE, AND THIS IS HOW WE REMIND THEM IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE WE'RE PUMPING THEIR ARSE FOUR TIMES A SEASON AGAIN! YAAAASSSSSSSSSSSS!' We all cheer. As far as motivational techniques go it's highly unconventional, but firing a semi-naked, knife-wielding Eddie Malone from a cannon into the midst of United's training session at Tannadice is one heck of a team building exercise.

Eddie is primed and ready to go. Jocky looks at me and announces 'Lads, has everyone met Leigh Griffiths? He's been playing up front for us this season, a'c*nt should ken him by now. Leigh: I want you to light the fuse that fires Eddie this week. Get up here, c*nt face'. What an honour. What a lovely gesture by the boss. As I approach the cannon Jocky puts an arm round me. 'Nae bather, Leigh. You ken the score. I want to have a wee heart-to-heart with you later on. We'll hae a good blether, like. It'll be pure teckle like, nae doubt about it'. He gives me a playful slap in the face and hands me a lighter. 'You all set Eddie?'. 'f**k aye man, let me at the c***s. Yas!'. I light the fuse and stand back. As it burns down Jocky bellows 'WHA'S IN F*CKING CHERGE HERE, UNITED? WOOT-WOOT! THAT'S WHAT EM TALKIN' ABOOT!'.

BOOM! Eddie shoots out and arcs over Sandeman Street. He drops down over the Fair Play Stand. 'Good shot, Leigh! Good f*cking shot ya teepee-dwelling b*****d!'. Jocky's clearly delighted with this crazy behaviour. He rips his tracksuit bottoms off, revealing his Soapy Soutar-washed cock and balls and screams 'FOLLOW ME, A'BODY! TO EDDIE! THUNDERCATS - HOOOOOO!'. With that war cry he charges off out the side of the Shankly end towards Tannadice. The players let out a roar and follow.

There's chaos outside Tannadice. The United players have been chased off the pitch, out the stadium, and are running for their lives. Eddie's running them up the road waving his big knife. The stark bollock naked Jocky Scott meets them head-on. He delivers a savage flying clothesline on David Goodwillie, nearly decapitating him. He stands over him singing 'So Watcha' Want?' by the Beastie Boys through his megaphone. The Arabs scatter and flee in every direction. Victory. Eddie is carried shoulder high back into Dens. Jocky loads him back into the cannon and fires him at the Hilltown multis in order to tackle social depravation. Never let it be said that Dundee FC don't do their bit for the local community.

I get changed after training and head to Jocky's office. There's a note pinned to the door.

'Hiya Leigh. Hiya pal! There's a taxi waiting for you outside. Jump in it ya wee fanny.

Love, Jocky x

ps - wha's in cherge here?'

I walk out the ground, and sure enough there's a cab waiting. I hop in. The driver looks round and tells me Jocky is waiting for me, and that I should sit back and enjoy the ride.

The taxi drives north out the city. I sit back and wonder where the boss is, exactly. I venture a question to the driver 'here mate, where are we going?'. He responds by giving me the finger and driving on, saying nothing. We drive for more than an hour through the scenic Sidlaws and beyond. The taxi stops at the bottom of a hill. The driver tells me to get out. I do so, and find a cow with the words 'Hiya Leigh. Hiya pal! Walk to the top of the hill ya ugly f*ck' painted on it's side. I hike up the hill. I reach the summit, and lo and behold there's Jocky. He's sitting cross-legged over a ouija board. He motions me to sit down.

'Put your finger on the glass pal. This is pure mental'. I put my finger on the shot glass that Jocky's using to direct the communication from the spirit world. He speaks in hushed tones. 'Ow, spirit world: is there any c*nt there?'. The glass moves unprompted to 'yes' on the ouija board. Freaky stuff. Jocky continues. 'Ow, spirit world: wha's in cherge here?'. The glass moves slowly to J. Then O. Then C. Then K........and so forth. 'That's what em talkin' aboot ya c*nt!'. Jocky picks up the glass and throws it off the top of the hill into the heather below.

'Hiya Leigh. Hiya! You've no scored for a while. Nae bather. f**k it'.

He gets up, straps on his jetpack, and fires it up. 'See ya later, Leigh! I have every confidence in you, ya mad vagina'.

With that he takes off and scorches across the sky back towards Dundee. I'm left at the top of the hill wondering what the f*ck just happened, and indeed how I'm going to get home. Every day is an adventure when you play for Dundee. Help me Jesus. Please help me.

http://dundeebarryle...nae-bather.html

That was breek pyshing stuff Barry ................Pure genius :D

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