Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 I find that the more fingers you have up your bum, the less likely they are to bother you. By this I mean that with just the solitary finger up the bum you would be most at risk of them checking your ticket. Get all 8 fingers up there and there is no chance they will even acknowledge your existence, let alone check your ticket. Works a treat, save for having fingers smelling and tasting of bum. Under no circumstances should the thumbs ever be fired up there. Not only are they designed in such a fashion that their unique shape and texture makes the anal sphincter quiver, increasing the likelihood of having you bum-bum turned into a fleshy Chinese finger trap, but it's simply poor chat and strictly for fucking weirdos. Get out. What is it with you Pars fans and up the hoopery? Was it you that started the pineapple up the arse thread? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 Please, please attempt this. Which, the touching or the claiming? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zen Archer (Raconteur) Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 Yes it fucking was. http://www.pieandbovril.com/forum/index.php/topic/149756-pineapples/?hl=pineapple Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blanco Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 They get government subsidies yet still are unable to provide a ticket to anywhere that's cheaper than going by car. Dry your eyes and take the car then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamamafegan Posted October 18, 2013 Share Posted October 18, 2013 Getting a free train journey is always a victory for myself and against the wankers that are Scotrail. I love trying to get a free journey. Why even just a few days ago I went from Perth to Glasgow and back again all for free. Glorious scenes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thisGRAEME Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Which, the touching or the claiming? Oh, the claiming! Don't touch anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CLANCY2KTID Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Why would you want to rob Scotrail? revenge. They get government subsidies yet still are unable to provide a ticket to anywhere that's cheaper than going by car. £6.90 return from Kilmarnock to Glasgow city centre is a lot cheaper than going by car. We have also just booked a return journey for 8 of us to travel to Inverness and back, total price for all 8? £96. That's the cheapest possible way to get there and back.ETA ok, the megabus would probably be cheaper, but its a bus and buses are w**k. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hammyton Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 The subsidy cost per passenger journey on trains in Scotland last year was £7.67. Therefore your really still paying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ned Nederlander Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 I once got on a Bristol to Edinburgh train and fell asleep across two seats that were reserved from Birmingham - I woke up with the train approaching Edinburgh ... there were loads of folk standing Worst of all someone had certainly been farting in that carriage and I think it may have been me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cracowjambo Posted October 19, 2013 Author Share Posted October 19, 2013 Getting a free train journey is always a victory for myself and against the wankers that are Scotrail. I love trying to get a free journey. Why even just a few days ago I went from Perth to Glasgow and back again all for free. Glorious scenes. Did you walk faster out the station in normal? My best one was from kirkcaldy to Perth but as it was a Sunday I had to catch a connection in Dundee. We missed that by seconds so Scotrail paid a taxi for me and another guy to Perth :-) I never go on the train without my fare so it's not like I plan on doing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
invergowrie arab Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 ^^ very much doubt this happened ^^ I have had taxis twice off scotrail in the last year. Once because snow cancelled.the train and once because someone jumped in front of the train at carnoustie. Both times I didn't even have a ticket and was just waiting at the station. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jock001 Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 £6.90 return from Kilmarnock to Glasgow city centre is a lot cheaper than going by car. We have also just booked a return journey for 8 of us to travel to Inverness and back, total price for all 8? £96. That's the cheapest possible way to get there and back. ETA ok, the megabus would probably be cheaper, but its a bus and buses are w**k. I just had a look on the scotrail website. The cheapest day reurn from Killie to Inverness is £66.70 per person. Also, if your car does 50mpg on the motorway, it'll only cost you £6 to do killie to glasgow. Take another 4 bodies and it's £1.20 each for the return journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordieBoy80 Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Train journeys are made even more expensive by fare-dodgers. I wouldn't walk into Asda and nick 40 quids worth of shopping every month so why would I want to rob Scotrail? Exactly. I do my robbing in Tesco. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tryfield Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 It's 20+ years since I did the tickets on the trains. Back then you didn't give a fcuk whether anyone had a ticket or not, you still got the same wage every month. That is why you rarely seen an inspector all those years ago. However, nowadays, these guys are on a percentage of any cash taken onboard the trains. There is no way they will let you sleep without being disturbed or without showing a valid ticket. They are more likely to gallop up and down a train like a racehorse to check tickets and claim their percentage and quite rightly too. You're cash is better in their pockets as yours. I'm not keen on those barriers though, a tragedy waiting to happen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sergeant Wilson Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 It's 20+ years since I did the tickets on the trains. Back then you didn't give a fcuk whether anyone had a ticket or not, you still got the same wage every month. That is why you rarely seen an inspector all those years ago. However, nowadays, these guys are on a percentage of any cash taken onboard the trains. There is no way they will let you sleep without being disturbed or without showing a valid ticket. They are more likely to gallop up and down a train like a racehorse to check tickets and claim their percentage and quite rightly too. You're cash is better in their pockets as yours. I'm not keen on those barriers though, a tragedy waiting to happen. Aye, someone was telling me it was 3% of all collections, that could add up. They are on a decent basic as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tryfield Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 Aye, someone was telling me it was 3% of all collections, that could add up. They are on a decent basic as well. I believe it is now 5% Sarge. That could add up to a few bob if working on a route with lots of unmanned stations. The Largs to Central line springs to mind. All those weekly tickets getting bought onboard. A right good money earner if you have the guile to swap onto the early jobs on a Monday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cdhafc1874 Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 The barriers can be left open where needed Tryfield. Been on a very delayed train into Argyle St from Hamilton on a Sat on way to an away game that came from Lanark full of whichever side of OF were at home that day. Train was packed from Blantyre onwards so conductor couldn't get down the train + as it got in full with Larkhall train just behind it the barriers were left open with everyone just waved through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jester Posted October 19, 2013 Share Posted October 19, 2013 If you hide in the toilet they're legally bound to respect your privacy under the Human Rights Act. I got on the train at Queen Street and was heading for the toilet when Tubby johnson nicked in in front of me. I stood and patiently waited, lucky I wasn't desperate, as the fucker never appeared again. just before Drumgelloch the door clicked but didn't open, so I pressed the door open button. The door opened to reveal Larry Lardass, on the lavvy reading a book, trousers round his ankles, jacket hung up, with a selection of drinks and snacks spread around within easy reach. He was scrabbling in vain to get the door shut, which wouldn't work with my foot stuck in the gap. I hope he shat on his picnic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CLANCY2KTID Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 I just had a look on the scotrail website. The cheapest day reurn from Killie to Inverness is £66.70 per person. Also, if your car does 50mpg on the motorway, it'll only cost you £6 to do killie to glasgow. Take another 4 bodies and it's £1.20 each for the return journey. Friends fare, £44 for 4 plus booking fee. 8 of us £12 each. £6 diesel money plus around the same again to get parked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
welshbairn Posted October 20, 2013 Share Posted October 20, 2013 I just had a look on the scotrail website. The cheapest day reurn from Killie to Inverness is £66.70 per person. If you split the tickets, ie Kilmarnock to Glasgow, Glasgow to Perth and Perth to Inverness it comes down to £45. That's for Nov 2nd when Killie are away at Caley, on another day and if you booked earlier it would probably be cheaper. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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