Business / corporate speak nonsense

[Melanius Mullarkey]

Just off a Teams meeting there where our resident three letter acronym c**t kept saying WBS instead of work breakdown structure. 

WBS syllables = 5

Work Breakdown Structure syllables = 5

Utter utter cuntspeak of the highest order. 

[DiegoDiego]

Just off a Teams meeting there where our resident three letter acronym c**t kept saying WBS instead of work breakdown structure. 
WBS syllables = 5
Work Breakdown Structure syllables = 5
UUC of the highest order. 

FTFY

[TheScarf]

Is calling something needing done the 'effort' a common thing?

A manager at work always talks about the effort when talking about some work needing done.

'We need to manage this effort closely throughout'  Basically you want to make sure it gets done m8.

[Netan Sansara]

26 minutes ago, TheScarf said:

Is calling something needing done the 'effort' a common thing?

A manager at work always talks about the effort when talking about some work needing done.

'We need to manage this effort closely throughout'  Basically you want to make sure it gets done m8.

I think, like all these things, there’s legitimate uses of something like this and then some middle manager arsehole hears it and thinks it sounds clever so starts using it everywhere. 

[Hillonearth]

8 minutes ago, Netan Sansara said:

I think, like all these things, there’s legitimate uses of something like this and then some middle manager arsehole hears it and thinks it sounds clever so starts using it everywhere. 

We used to have one like that in my place - before a meeting me and him were going to I remember saying to someone who was meeting with him later that I'd plant a word in his head. During the meeting I described something as a Sisyphean task, and out the corner of my eye I saw him scribbling on a notepad...I knew that's what he was writing down because it looked that he took about three goes to spell it.

Came out the meeting and told the guy who was meeting with him later that that's the word he'd defo use - he didn't disappoint us.

I reckon a big part of those type of middle management jobs is keeping up with the buzzword du jour...at the moment for some reason every presentation or meeting I attend will shoehorn in the word "optics" rather than the more sensible option of "perception" for example.

[Mark Connolly]

1 hour ago, Melanius Mullarkey said:

Just off a Teams meeting there where our resident three letter acronym c**t kept saying WBS instead of work breakdown structure. 

WBS syllables = 5

Work Breakdown Structure syllables = 5

Utter utter cuntspeak of the highest order. 

Aren't you the Work Breakdown Structure?

[Cardinal Richelieu]

52 minutes ago, Hillonearth said:

We used to have one like that in my place - before a meeting me and him were going to I remember saying to someone who was meeting with him later that I'd plant a word in his head. During the meeting I described something as a Sisyphean task, and out the corner of my eye I saw him scribbling on a notepad...I knew that's what he was writing down because it looked that he took about three goes to spell it.

Came out the meeting and told the guy who was meeting with him later that that's the word he'd defo use - he didn't disappoint us.

I reckon a big part of those type of middle management jobs is keeping up with the buzzword du jour...at the moment for some reason every presentation or meeting I attend will shoehorn in the word "optics" rather than the more sensible option of "perception" for example.

[TheScarf]

Middle management are the worstcunts.  All their job entails is trying to fill up as much of their day with pointless Teams calls to justify their job.

[well fan for life]

Someone once told me on a recovery call that they were "co-ordinating a power recycle". 

That's turning it off & on again. 

[DiegoDiego]

I'm sure the only reason businesses put in so many layers of management is so they can keep disillusioned yet reliable employees at their company by offering them meaningless promotions every few years.

[paranoid android]

19 hours ago, TheScarf said:

Is calling something needing done the 'effort' a common thing?

A manager at work always talks about the effort when talking about some work needing done.

'We need to manage this effort closely throughout'  Basically you want to make sure it gets done m8.

Our mob refers to its services as our 'offer'. 

Their latest bit of nonsense is calling guidance notes 'crib sheets'.

[John Lambies Doos]

One of my favourite threads

[Steve_Wilkos]

Our team had a quick Teams catch up with my boss earlier, and he wanted to arrange a follow up meeting to discuss something further with a couple of us. 

"Let's synchronise our e-scheds to ensure we're all at leisure fourteen hundred sharp."

Just out of the follow up meeting now, was a waste of time unsurprisingly.

Edited January 14, 2021 by Steve_Wilkos
Said Teams 2 times too many

[beefybake]

On 13/01/2021 at 16:56, Hillonearth said:

We used to have one like that in my place - before a meeting me and him were going to I remember saying to someone who was meeting with him later that I'd plant a word in his head. During the meeting I described something as a Sisyphean task, and out the corner of my eye I saw him scribbling on a notepad...I knew that's what he was writing down because it looked that he took about three goes to spell it.

Came out the meeting and told the guy who was meeting with him later that that's the word he'd defo use - he didn't disappoint us.

I reckon a big part of those type of middle management jobs is keeping up with the buzzword du jour...at the moment for some reason every presentation or meeting I attend will shoehorn in the word "optics" rather than the more sensible option of "perception" for example.

Know what you mean, mate. And those c***s who paste in foreign stuff on an ad hoc basis.

[Hank Scorpio]

Area manager keeps talking about our “glide path into P1”, and how we plan to achieve. f**k off.

[DiegoDiego]

Area manager keeps talking about our “glide path into P1”

Nonce.

[Torpar]

"We'd like you to participate in a project with the wealth department"

We want you to do the donkey work for people that make 3 times your salary 

[HTG]

I may have mentioned this before but "bandwidth" does by tits in. 

"Have you got the bandwidth to take this on". 

"I just don't have the bandwidth at the moment" 

Alternatively:

"I need this done pronto"

"f**k off I'm busy"

[mishtergrolsch]

Got this cracker from my manager today via email.

"I tried to reach you yesterday via your contact device and was unsuccessful"

Translates to "I tried to phone you at 4.45pm but you didn't answer."

Because you decided to part time furlough me in the afternoons and even if I wasn't furloughed I'd have been finished at 4.30 anyway.

Also had the bandwidth one. I said the orange light was blinking and the Engineer was on the way. In other words, let's play a game of get to f**k. You go first.

[Hillonearth]

I've been involved in a working group to discuss what things are going to look like once blended working is the norm post-pandemic...there's a concept being floated of having sections in together one day a week to facilitate team bonding...they've decided to name them "anchor days"...

Took a cosy 30 seconds for them to be redubbed w****r Days, because that's who you'll mostly be dealing with.