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Dece Party Conference 2014

SodjesSixteenIncher

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J_Stewart

J_Stewart

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I'm sure you'll all agree that our deputy convenor is doing an #absosensaysh job in the debate just now and quite clearly winning (he's reppin DECE, course he is), but if you've got any questions for our boi, ask them publicly now, he'll have an answer!

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SodjesSixteenIncher

SodjesSixteenIncher

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Ladies and Gents, I am proud to present to you the first Dece Manifesto.

1. Policies for the Improvement of Scottish Football

1.1. Grass Roots

1.1.1. Players coaching youngsters

1.1.2. Ex-Player Counselling Scheme

1.1.3. Opening up Club Facilities to the Community

1.2. Restructuring

1.2.1. Junior Football

1.2.2. Ticket pricing and incentives

1.2.3. Gate receipt sharing

1.3. The Fan Experience

1.3.1. Reintroduction of terracing

1.3.2. Reintroduction of alcohol

1.3.3. Away game football specials

1.3.4. Pyrotechnics

2. Policies for the Improvement of P&B

2.1. Reinstatement of DECEased posters

2.2. Name change for disgraced posters

2.3. Bringing DECE to the P&B Police

2.4. Increase the DECE

2.5. The Big One

3. Policies for the Improvement of Scotland’s Media.

3.1. Dece government demands for improved journalism standards

3.2. Intelligent media, intelligent population Initiative 2k14

3.3. Funding for Tell Him He’s Pele

3.4. Encouraging Deceness through the Entertainment industry

1. Policies for the Improvement of Scottish Football

1.1. Grass Roots

1.1.1. Players coaching youngsters

As v.v.v DECE particle physicist Frank Oppenheimer once said, ‘the best way to learn is to teach’ and we at the DECE Party are big on education.

Like you, we are tired of seeing young Nando’s frequenting footballers who train 3 hours a day and act the big man in their local nightclub, despite the fact their weekly wage is not particularly impressive and their 3 sub appearances in the league cup suggest they’re nothing special.

To become a football manager, you have to undergo a number of courses to earn your badges. As part of our plans for Scottish football, we propose that in order to become a professional footballer, you are required to pass a series of coaching badges so that you can coach youngsters in an official capacity. Any newly promoted footballer, in the first 24 months of his senior career, must complete the required badges. Subsequently, he must spend a minimum of five hours every week teaching younger children the basics on the pitch – in schools, youth levels of the club or community groups.

By doing this, we believe the risk of becoming a waster off the pitch will decrease, younger children will become more involved with the beautiful game at grassroots level and the footballer will have a means of earning a living after retiring from the beautiful game.

1.1.2. Ex-Player Counselling Scheme

Whilst we all enjoy a laugh at the antics of #roasters like Paul Slane, the reality is Scottish football has a fear of taboo subjects which our players and indeed fans have a high propensity towards. Issues such as mental health and addiction are typically not talked of in working class, male environments. We believe bringing idolised players to talk frankly in pro-clubs, boys clubs and schools would be one small step in empowering youngsters to seek advice regarding their own problems. Top Boi comedian Kevin Bridges recently revealed how one of his footballing heroes helped him to overcome a potentially crippling gambling problem. Whilst Kev.I.N may have access to such figures, young players typically do not and we would like to change this. Whilst discussing this policy, each one of the #DeceCab knew of a talented player their age who slipped through the system for such reasons. This has to change.

1.1.3. Opening up Club Facilities to the Community

The Dece Party intends to subsidise the formation of Community Interest Companies in each club's area, who would be responsible for allocating facilities to a network of local sports clubs, community groups and third sector organisations. Each cic would cost the wage of a part-time Co-ordinator, a desk at a shared office space (at the club if possible) and a standard corporate facilities booking system. They would then work with the club to agree times at which their sport facilities, corporate and office spaces are genuinely not going to be bringing in vital revenue for the club. These free hours would be allocated to the local community, with office and hospitality rentals being charged at a knock down rate. Essentially the scheme would bring communities closer to the club, reinforcing a sense of mutual loyalty, whilst raising revenue.

1.2. Restructuring

1.2.1. Junior Football

Other parties have already mooted that the Junior football Association should be disbanded. We, the DECE party disagree. To deny any football fan to watch their favourite team is unacceptable. Stenhousemuir FC were perilously close to being ejected from the league by a Rangers lead bandwagon, a move which may have ended the club.

Yes, many Junior fans may be shit flinging idiots who only regularly attend matches at whatever soviet chic stadium they call home because they can’t afford the bus fare or entry to Ibrox, however, we feel it is only right the teams they love are allowed to continue. Just because you’d struggle to count the moon, doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to watch your beloved team.

The DECE Party strongly believe that you shouldn’t be allowed to have your shit AND fling it though, and so we would propose that Junior clubs be denied access to the Scottish Cup until they joined the SPFL set up or associate leagues.

1.2.2. Ticket pricing and incentives

Fans of many clubs believe that match tickets are too expensive. However, a delicate balance must be struck between affordability and financial stability.

Clubs should be allowed to set the walk up entrance price as they see fit, as market forces dictate an equilibrium will be met between attendances and ticket prices to ensure maximum profit. It is not the place of the governing body to dictate ticket prices.

However, football becomes ‘too expensive’ when families try to take their children along. Therefore, we believe free season tickets for U16’s is an excellent idea. However, as previously stated, dictating what clubs must do in regard to pricing is not in the club’s long term best interests. However, as an incentive to roll out free season tickets to U16’s, we would increase youth grants to clubs who signed up to the scheme.

1.2.3. Gate receipt sharing

We at the DECE Party are concerned that the current Old Firm duopoly (we assume Rangers will return to the Premiership soon and finish 1st/2nd every year) is stifling Scottish football and will never change without radical change. We believe that TV money/prize money alone is never going to be sufficient to help non Old Firm team to compete at the top level. We, The DECE Party therefore propose that gate receipts above 150% of the league average should be shared equally by both teams.

For example, if the average attendance was 14,000, then the cut off mark would be 21,000. If Celtic had a home gate v Dundee United of 39,000 then Dundee United would receive 9000 customers worth of gate receipts (39,000 – 21,000 = 18,000. 18,000 / 2 = 9000) This would allow the Old Firm to continue making deservedly more in gate receipts as they are entitled to with their higher average attendances, but would provide more income for other clubs in the league. In turn, this would allow clubs to lower ticket prices if they chose to do so.

1.3. The Fan Experience

1.3.1. Reintroduction of terracing

In fans forum polls up and down the country, it is clear the reintroduction of terracing is high on supporter’s wish lists. We would not only legislate to allow for fans to stand in areas of ‘rail seats’ as is being muted by some at present, but a return to old skool open terraces with crash barriers. This system is used in the lower section of Dortmund’s Sudtribune and is completely safe.

Rail seating is both expensive and physically restrictive. For a section of seating to be turned into open terracing holding approx. 2000 would cost less than £10,000 in labour and materials. Clubs would be welcome to pay for the work from their own pocket, but the DECE party would encourage crowd funding to be used to source the required revenue. This would ensure clubs did not lose out financially and it would also give fans a sense of ownership of the idea and collective responsibility for this progressive measure being actioned. As well as increasing atmosphere, club may be in a better position to offer slightly discounted tickets for this section.

1.3.2. Reintroduction of alcohol

Fans should not be punished for enjoying a beer at the match and clubs should not be punished from additional revenue streams because Old Firm thugs couldn’t behave 30+ years ago.

The DECE party wish clubs to have the option to sell alcohol in their ground and allow fans to take their drink to their seat or standing place. As well as Orange Jubilee and Champers, clubs would be encouraged to build partnerships with local breweries to sell their drinks. Not only would this provide the fans with a higher quality of drink than if they were served a flavourless generic lager, it allows partnerships within the community to be built. You’re 3-0 down with 15 minutes remaining, but you’re holding a flute of Decebomb and thinking about smashing it indaclub that evening. The world just seems a better place, doesn’t it?

1.3.3. Away game football specials

Like many fans, members of the DECE Party like drinking alcohol prior to attending football matches. It has been mentioned that some members of the public find the behaviour of football fans on trains to be intimidating. We sympathise with the concerns of the public, but sadly, with alcohol being ‘officially’ banned on football coaches, many fans choose to take the train to away matches and so the problem is created.

We propose that where demand is sufficiently high (fans will be asked to book and pay in advance) away fan football special trains will be provided. This allows fans to legally drink and create a more boisterous atmosphere without causing any distress to the general public. Anyone caught chanting ‘here we, here we, here we fucking go’ will be ejected at the next station. Hopefully some shithole like Cowdenbeath or Coatbridge Sunnyside.

1.3.4. Pyrotechnics

The DECE Party fully endorse the phrase ‘No pyro, no party’. Within designated sections of the grounds, fans will be allowed, nay encouraged to let off pyro.

2. Policies for the Improvement of P&B

2.1. Reinstatement of DECEased posters.

During the "Summer of DECE", it was clear for all to see that #ClubDECE were about to take over P&B. The DECE movement had incredible momentum, and fearing for their futures, the powers that be in P&B Towers took the decision to ban three of most popular, most famous, most DECE proponents of the movement, Mhak, Swampy, and The DECE Father himself, The Collector.

Now, men may die, but their ideas and ideals never do, and the DECE movement has continued to go from strength-to-strength. However, it is the opinion of the DECE Party that those three bastions of DECE, were banned for political reasons, and thus, should be reinstated. P&B is a poorer place without them.

#FreetheDECEthree

2.2. Name change for disgraced posters

Dece intend to harness the current strength of democracy we’re seeing on P&B to allow the community to vote for mandatory name changes for the biggest Heads Gones and perma-aliases on the site. To get the ball rolling, we would respond to the ongoing Heads Gone antics of 8MileBU, which has seen the DECE Party disgustingly smeared (not his own shit thankfully) during the course of this campaign, calling us Nazi’s, homophobes and fascists, none of which is true. These are views that we actively oppose as the inclusive #gentz that we are. Therefore, as a reprimand for this heinous behaviour, The DECE Party propose that if we win this election, Milesys name is changed to “Jobbyslinger Magee” for the rest of his P&B posting days. Following on from this, the community would vote on those most deserving of a name change and what each replacement name would be.

2.3. Bringing DECE to the P&B Police

The DECE Party respect authority. Sure we might get #absoMWI on premium Class A narcotics, and sure we might disagree with some of the decisions taken (as with our reinstatement policy above), but The DECE Party do respect authority. However, we are of the opinion that a simple alteration is required to the way that P&B is being moderated.

We would propose a democratically elected group of mods with regular re-elections. Posters, unhappy with the moderating of the site, could then put themselves forward for the position at annual / bi-annual elections, with the #tremend posters of P&B choosing who they wish to moderate the site. This encourages the moderators to provide the best possible service in order to keep their position. We would also propose that at least one member of the DECE Cabinet or one DECE supporter be on the Mod team at all times in order to #DECEthepolice

2.4. Increase the DECE

Although this policy has already been released, it's such a #phenom, #tremend, #absosensaysh policy that it requires repeating. This is the sort of policy that got us in to politics in the first place, it captures the imagination, and makes people think that maybe, just maybe this world really can be a better place.

Now, although junior posters can often be seen as backward, and under educated, we at the DECE Party feel strongly that they should not be excluded from supporting their team. It is, therefore, the DECE parties aim to not remove the Junior fans from P&B, but to improve them. We aim to help the junior posters better themselves by assisting them to improve their grammar, better their lifestyle outlook, provide them with superior health, and increased intellect. Now, you might be asking yourself how we’ll do this, well, the DECE Party propose to initiate the Junior Posters in to the way of DECE.

We appreciate that this sounds like a tough ask, so, to assist this process, The DECE Party propose implementing a “DECE Mentors for Junior posters” initiative. Much like a big brother scheme, DECE posters, would take a junior poster under our wing and teach them the ways of DECE. Assist them as they learn about #lifting, #protein, and #gettingMWI. We believe that their improvement as individuals will be for the betterment of the collective both in terms of the Junior game and P&B as a whole.

Vote for the DECE Party and marvel as the posters you once had to view through your hands become readable, and their section of the forum becomes habitable for those of us who don't - at present - type with our elbows.

Vote DECE and improve P&B forever.

#inclusionisnotanillusion #juniorscanbeDECE

2.5. The Big One

“WOAH WOAH WOAH” I hear you say, “The Big One? I thought ‘Mentoring Junior Posters’ was your big one? Your huge P&B policy? I mean, it’s MASSIVE”, and for the other parties that would be true, after all it is a HUGE policy, but, as you know, we at DECE go bigger, go better, go harder than the rest. So, now I’ve piqued your excitement to levels never before seen in a Party Political White Paper, please allow me to introduce our final policy for P&B. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you…

THE RETIRAL OF CLUB DECE!!!

………………………………

………………………………

………………………………

………………………………

Thought I better allow you a minute to let that sink in there. You read it right. The DECE Party propose the retiral and golding of Club DECE.

Since our involvement in this Election was announced, we, The DECE Party, have stated time and again that we’re an inclusive Party who aim to bring DECE to the masses. We want to spread the idea of self-improvement through increased confidence, healthier lifestyle, better education and heightened social life, but it’s been argued that we’re too much of a closed shop to do this, that we’re cliquey and therefore incapable of fully spreading the word of DECE whilst we sit #indaclub with a plethora of #solid9s and #DECEbombs, and we can understand this concern. Therefore, it is our proposal that we retire Club DECE to the Gold forum (or perhaps a new ‘Platinum Forum’ which is what it really deserves) and bring the ways of DECE to you, the people.

Since our involvement in this Election was announced, we, The DECE Party, have stated time and again that we’re an inclusive Party who aim to bring DECE to the masses. We want to spread the idea of self-improvement through increased confidence, healthier lifestyle, better education and heightened social life, but it’s been argued that we’re too much of a closed shop to do this, that we’re cliquey and therefore incapable of fully spreading the word of DECE whilst we sit #indaclub with a plethora of #solid9s and #DECEbombs, and we can understand this concern. Therefore, it is our proposal that we retire Club DECE to the Gold forum (or perhaps a new ‘Platinum Forum’ which is what it really deserves) and bring the ways of DECE to you, the people.

The DECE Party and DECE movement are here to help, and now, we’re available for you everywhere. You are welcome P&B.

#increasetheDECE #DECEinourtime #VoteDECE

3. Policies for the Improvement of Scotland’s Media

3.1. Dece government demands for improved journalism standards

The Dece Party will enforce regulations for the improvement of journalistic standards, which will be put into action across all mediums of the media but particularly with the written press and its reporting of sport and current affairs. We intend to start the process with a list of clichés that will be banned, examples including warchest, six pointer and game of two halves. Every time a footballer is referred to as an "ace", an independent enquiry will investigate how "ace" he really is, with "ace" hyperbole leading to dismissal. This will result in news agencies seeking out real talent from internet blogs and such, not journalism graduates who've made Bill Leckie tea and scratched his balls for six months.

3.2. Intelligent media, intelligent population Initiative 2k14

The Dece Party believes that the media is trying and often succeeding in turning the people of Scotland/Britain into inward looking, UnDece dribblers through its dumbing down of the media in every regard, be it news, entertainment, culture and sport. The following media regulations are included in this initiative:

  • Removing ITV and replacing it with a channel that shows homegrown documentaries from talented journalists at night on issues and events that matter to people
  • A quota whereby every non genre-specific station must show one foreign cinema film rated 6.5 or higher on IMDB at least once a week, to improve cultural understanding
  • Encouraging a more outward look with regards to current affairs and sport. Never again will a member of the royal family getting married or having morning sickness take priority in the news over genocides abroad #deceforpeaceinthemiddleeast. Football coverage will feature interesting reporting on clubs you know nothing about but should do in other countries, not Anthony Stokes' haircut

At Dece we go by the mantra "life is like a book, until you know about cool football supporters in the Polish Second Division you've only read one page".

3.3. Funding for Tell Him He’s Pele

We in the Dece Party are so utterly sick and tired of the lazy journalists that pollute our airwaves and newspaper columns. I've long since given up reading the likes of the Daily Record and the Sun. If I wanted to see stuff about two cheeks of the same arse I'd fire up Tube Galore.

It's been mentioned by our Deputy Leader that one policy we would implement would be to provide funding to the online magazine, Tell Him He's Pele. Their coverage of the lower leagues in Scottish football is nothing short of outstanding, exactly the sort of thing which we should be supporting. At present the editions are published on a weekly basis, with some coverage during the week. Should we provide funding to the writers, it would provide them with a means to cover additional areas of the leagues on a more frequent basis.

3.4. Encouraging Deceness through the Entertainment industry

A big misconception of the Dece Perty is that we encourage arrogance, belittling betas and "Lad Culture". In fact we encourage confidence, self-belief and mutual respect for all. Our government will make it a priority that the media and entertainment industry plays its part in creating content that is uplifting for the population. Stories about dramatic cases of self-improvement, unlikely success stories and people helping others to help themselves will be the order of the day, celebrity cellulite, "teen star turns bad" and Z-list marital affairs will not be.

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itzdrk

itzdrk

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2.5. The Big One

“WOAH WOAH WOAH” I hear you say, “The Big One? I thought ‘Mentoring Junior Posters’ was your big one? Your huge P&B policy? I mean, it’s MASSIVE”, and for the other parties that would be true, after all it is a HUGE policy, but, as you know, we at DECE go bigger, go better, go harder than the rest. So, now I’ve piqued your excitement to levels never before seen in a Party Political White Paper, please allow me to introduce our final policy for P&B. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you…

THE RETIRAL OF CLUB DECE!!!

………………………………

………………………………

………………………………

………………………………

Thought I better allow you a minute to let that sink in there. You read it right. The DECE Party propose the retiral and golding of Club DECE.

Since our involvement in this Election was announced, we, The DECE Party, have stated time and again that we’re an inclusive Party who aim to bring DECE to the masses. We want to spread the idea of self-improvement through increased confidence, healthier lifestyle, better education and heightened social life, but it’s been argued that we’re too much of a closed shop to do this, that we’re cliquey and therefore incapable of fully spreading the word of DECE whilst we sit #indaclub with a plethora of #solid9s and #DECEbombs, and we can understand this concern. Therefore, it is our proposal that we retire Club DECE to the Gold forum (or perhaps a new ‘Platinum Forum’ which is what it really deserves) and bring the ways of DECE to you, the people.

Since our involvement in this Election was announced, we, The DECE Party, have stated time and again that we’re an inclusive Party who aim to bring DECE to the masses. We want to spread the idea of self-improvement through increased confidence, healthier lifestyle, better education and heightened social life, but it’s been argued that we’re too much of a closed shop to do this, that we’re cliquey and therefore incapable of fully spreading the word of DECE whilst we sit #indaclub with a plethora of #solid9s and #DECEbombs, and we can understand this concern. Therefore, it is our proposal that we retire Club DECE to the Gold forum (or perhaps a new ‘Platinum Forum’ which is what it really deserves) and bring the ways of DECE to you, the people.

The DECE Party and DECE movement are here to help, and now, we’re available for you everywhere. You are welcome P&B.

#increasetheDECE #DECEinourtime #VoteDECE

Proud to campaign against this

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Oh my days bois, Dece is getting rep in the USA thanks to the friends of Dece.

Who is the most noticeable person in the limelight that we often show mad respect for in the Dece Party? #Calv obv. What's the official song of the Dece campaign movement? Rari Workout obv.

1.45, Calv knows what's he's doing. 8)

Just need that utter worldie Lykke Li to get the word out to the hipsters and we may win this by about 100,000 votes ITPO.

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itzdrk

itzdrk

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If any of the three parties can get any celeb to retweet either the words Dece, FUN (in caps) or YSU then ill give them an extra vote. what classifies as a celeb is debatable so anyone with the verified tick will do

I'll get on to my pal Britney

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Just to confirm, is everyone Ok for Vegas 20 - 25th Nov to watch Cal Harris smash it?

Slight problem Fudgey, it's my dads 54th birthday on the 24th.

Can he come aye?

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