microdave Posted July 31, 2017 Share Posted July 31, 2017 My local shop was broken into last night and the thieves got away with 50 cans of red bull. I don't know how these people can sleep at night! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SlipperyP Posted July 31, 2017 Share Posted July 31, 2017 (edited) Just now, 19QOS19 said: What's fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing. Thobbers wife is NOT a joke,she has feelings, unfortunately she needs 14 inch before she feels it!!! Ps 2 hands in horse terms. Edited July 31, 2017 by SlipperyP 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted August 1, 2017 Share Posted August 1, 2017 You know how Tesco are in to everything these days, pet insurance, banking, mobile phone service etc. Well their latest thing is a dating app. A mate signed up but now he's ended up with a bag for life. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WeAreElgin Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 Did you hear about the cow that went on holiday?It had a wee calf. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HenryHill Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 1 hour ago, WeAreElgin said: Did you hear about the cow that went on holiday? It had a wee calf. Aye. I herd that. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 If you having exercise related transient abdominal pain, I feel bad for ya son, I got 99 problems but a stitch ain't one 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HenryHill Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 2 hours ago, jagfox99 said: If you having exercise related transient abdominal pain, I feel bad for ya son, I got 99 problems but a stitch ain't one Every week my village throws a women into the lake and as yet none have come back up to the surface. We have 99 problems but it would seem a witch ain't one. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D'Jaffo Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 Dunno if someone has put this on already.Paddy and Mick are walking through a graveyard looking at all the headstones. Paddy comes across one and shouts to Mick "Bugger me, there's one here who was 152."Mick shouts back "Oaft really? What was his name?"Paddy replies "Miles from London" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 2, 2017 Share Posted August 2, 2017 A message to the lad in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket. You can hide, but you can't run. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LondonHMFC Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 My girlfriend said it's ok to have a 3 inch penis.But I'd still prefer she didn't have one. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustOneCornetto Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 I got a big win on the Lottery last week so I decided to do a good deed and get a new home for the homeless guy I see up the High Street every day. It was the box from my new 65'' plasma tv. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D'Jaffo Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 I phoned the dentist the other day to ask about how much money it would cost to pull out a tooth that was causing extreme pain. "£80 said the dentist "£80? Thats far too much" I told the dentist"Well that's the normal charge" "Well what about if you didn't use any anaesthetic?" I enquired "It would would be painful but I could knock £20 off the price" "And if you got one of the trainees to perform the procedure would it make it cheaper?" I asked "Well it wouldn't be a very professional job because he's not fully trained and it would still be painful but I could take another £20 off the price" explained the dentist"Excellent and finally you could make it a training exercise and get all the other students to observe it and learn about it" I said"That's a good idea it'll be good training for them but it'll be traumatic having all those people in the room while it's happening but I'll take £30 off if that can happen" said the dentist "Aw superb mate, so can you book an appointment for my wife next Wednesday?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 Paddy tells his wife "my arse is really burning. I've no idea what it is?". "Ring sting" his wife says. Paddy replies , "how the hell will that p***k know?" 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 3, 2017 Share Posted August 3, 2017 I had a lottery win a couple of months back and decided to donate it to Rangers. They were so grateful that they offered me a seat on the board. And all thanks to those three lucky numbers... 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cerberus Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 I just went out on a date with a one legged girl who worked in a brewery.She was in charge of the hops. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 Quasimodo goes into a bar and asks for a glass of whisky. "Bells alright?" says the barman. "Mind your own fucking business" says Quasimodo. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GordonD Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 Quasimodo comes home and sees a wok lying on the kitchen table. "Oh good," he says. "You're cooking Chinese!" "No," says Esmerelda. "I've been ironing your shirts." 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 Continuing this theme.. Quasimodo is in the belltower of Notre Dame checking out a bell which isn't working. He gives it a push and nothing happens. He pushes harder and still nothing. So he takes twenty steps back, takes a massive runnie and launches a flying kick at the bell. With a huge creaking groan, it swings away from him, back towards him and catches him full in the face. He flies through the air, through a stained glass window and tumbles down the roof, landing on the cobbled streets, stone dead. Pretty soon a crowd gathers round. "Does anyone know him?" Says an onlooker. "Not sure" says another "but his face rings a bell...." I thangyew. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jagfox Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fide Posted August 4, 2017 Share Posted August 4, 2017 Old MacDonald had dyslexia X Q R T Z. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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