Hedgecutter

No, Stephens for bridies, Hunters at the bottom of the High St for fudge doughnuts. On a total tangent, I've had Asian Hooker by Steel Panther stuck in my head all day since I had sushi for lunch. "It's like I just got punched in the nuts by a dude knows Tai Chiiiiiiiii..."

Guided tours which you don't know until you're on them involve drama students dressing up in clothes from the 19th Century and pretending they're from that time. Just been on a brewery tour in Nova Scotia and I'll never slag off an Edinburgh ghost tour ever again. f**k the dancing, singing and overenthusiastic crappy acting. Just tell me which beer's the strongest, how many refills I can get included on this tour and how the f**k it's made.

Ah, but one of the world's finest doughnuts is the Fudge Doughnut from the Hunter's bakery chain in Fife which uses fluffy cream inside instead of custard. Far superior and both the custard and cream varieties can fall under the umbrella term that is the 'fudge doughnut'.

It's like that moment when you're in the middle of a massive Austin Powersesque piss into a small urinal and the auto flush thing suddenly turns on and fills to spill.

I had the novelty of going through a Cold Beer Drive-Thru yesterday. These should be introduced to the UK immediately.

One of those Shelter twats went a step further and pulled the earphones out of my friend's ears when he ignored them in Aberdeen. I was convinced I was going to be in the police station shortly afterwards.

People picking their nose in public.

A nice cold bottle of Moosehead. Like most North American lagers, it's pretty bland. I'm in Canada just now though. It's that or Bud / Coors Light along with the local speciality that is Alexander Keith's (Nova Scotia's very own Tennents but blander).

My favourite scam at the moment is the 'Plus Bus' where a combined train and bus ticket into and around Aberdeen is more expensive than getting the train ticket and then just buying an all day unlimited day ticket on the bus. A bit grim perhaps, but a train to Manchester Piccadily followed by a Megabus to Inverness would probbaly be the best value. I travelled Aberdeen to Manchester on the megabus (£2.50 return) to get the trans-Pennine for Leeds a few years ago in the student days and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. That's probably the same distance as North Wales to Inverness. If some-one said "I'll give you £100 if you sit on the bus rather than the train", quite a lot of folk would take that offer (unless you're a raging alcoholic and need that drink from the trolley which on a packed train, seems to be the only difference). Those Virgin trains through Carlisle to Glasgow are stuffy and messy as f*** anyway. I'd actually prefer the megabus thinking about it! Additionally, if you're planning on travelling by train in the winter, chances are there'll be a little bit of sleet on the tracks, they'll cancel the trains and stick you on a coach anyway. Pisses me off when they do that when you could have got the same service on the Megabus or Citylink at half the price or less (and they don't do the whole Scottish town tour to get to each station along the way)

Regarding the split fares being cheaper, my blood's close to boiling just reading this but I've had enough train fare rants on here already. At the start of the week, the website was asking ~£55 for a return (cheapest available - no el-cheapo set time tickets) from Aberdeen to Larbert for our game at Stenny last Saturday. Thankfully I was able to get the train to Montrose for £16 return, get the bus through to Brechin and get the supporters bus down at a grand total of £27 instead. Similarly, Aberdeen to Edinburgh's cheaper if you split at Montrose and same with Aberdeen to Inverness breaking at Keith, although some ticket office staff seem to get pissed off when you ask for the two separate sets of tickets. They can get to f***. If you tried that with a bus for example, you'd end up paying more.

Fiery Irn Bru after a chipper. First time I've tried it and it's well guid!

Don't talk about Fight Club.

The other half got one the other week (can't mind which it was though) and it was a bit naff as expected. Thistly Cross all the way cider wise, except the weak variety of course.

Why do we have to sleep? I know that it affects the memory, functions etc if we don't get any but why the hell are we (and everything else) designed to need sleep?

Back in 2005 when Romanov took over Hearts, after a few weeks of listening to Sportsound on and off, I thought Hearts had a decent Scottish player called Michael Innes. Turns out he was a diving Lithuanian

Thread titles like 'so I'm getting...' that tell you nothing at all and make you go in just to get more action. Reminds me of those 'like this to view picture' things which Facebook eventually banned, not to forget folk that put :-( as an update in order to get attention. Saying that: John Smith: ":-(" Yesterday at 00:16 No comments ... can be quite entertaining depending on the person!

I considering getting a second one last year as it was a pain in the arse for work sending your passport off for business visas when you were meant to be in Stavanger the next week. Sometimes I just had to go to the embassy in London in person to get it put through in time (except from the time when some wifey on the embassy phone said come down to get it done on the day when they didn't actually provide a one day service. Stupid bitch)

And of the few can be arsed to indicate, very few do it when there are no other cars about. I saw a girl the other day almost hit when she was crossing the road just next to a junction only for a driver to swerve in, slam on the breaks and give her hell. As far as I'm concerned, if the driver doesn't indicate, then you can be forgiven for thinking they're driving straight on. I live just along from a roundabout and crossing the road off of it can be a nightmare for the same reason. Just indicate when you're coming off, please!

How is it possible to wash a stained shirt and remove the stains without removing anything else, eh?

I know, but he asked why it would be a problem and so I answered.

I quite often do that just to show it's quicker. I'd like to think that I've burned off a few calories over the course of my life by doing this. I can understand coffin dodgers using them as an aid though.

If you block the escalators in London then you get stabbed or shot. Stand on the right if you're a lazy b*****d leaving space on the left for others to walk up. It's one of the few things I like about London.

A mate of mine has a dodgy looking University of Norwich student card which I've sometimes used to get into Pittodrie if there's a midweek game on. Although we look nothing like each other, he has specs too and so as soon as a hat goes on, the guys at the turnstyle don't notice. Concession ticket's still a rip off there though. I think my old NUS card had my date of birth on it although if you were under 18 when you joined uni, your first year card had 'Under 18' right over it in nice noticeable red lettering. A lot of folk tried to scratch them off but bouncers were onto them and gave our normal ones a good thorough check at times. Speaking of bouncers, another hate of mine (I know I've had two already today, sorry) are those that have you waiting in queues out in the rain when the club's not actually full so that they make the place look more popular than it is. Additionally, those that claim it's full and can't let anyone else in on health and safety grounds, only to let folk in straight after because they know 'John' who works on the bar. In fact, just bouncers in general. At least you can now get half loafs in some places. I remember trying to do the food shopping for one and it was a nightmare. Everything seems to come in multiples or family packs these days so no wonder there's so much food wastage in this country. I had a buy one get one free on bread last week and the cashier thought I was weird that I only wanted the one loaf (I struggle to finish just the one normally). I did my good deed for the day and asked the wifey behind if she wanted a free loaf but she said that she had one already. At least I tried.

Think I'll just get one of these actually. Just $16 on Amazon

I'm off to Denver on Thursday and had a moment of dread there... although ironically I just remembered that it'll be one of the few moments I'll have my passport on me anyway. Don't feel comfortable leaving it in my hotel room or wherever when abroad.