Sweet Pete

Quite. A job as a subheading writer at The Sun awaits.

Heard it many moons ago. Let's stick to things that really happened from now on

Clean living and a pure heart, that's you to a T, big fella.

This isn't a fairytale where the wicked witch gets her comeuppance in the end and they all live happily ever after. Win by any means. Fight and claw your way to any little victory. It's in our nature. Embrace it.

You'll be seeing stars soon enough, boyo!

She should be commended on her desire to win by any means. That's how you get ahead in life. This wee girl is a credit to her evolutionary forebears.

Otherwise known as the "I'd batter you, but I've suddenly got somewhere else to be" defence.

Square go.

As a youngster, dwelling on the scale of the universe and my insignificance amongst it all used to give me great anxiety and send me into a short panic until I could distract myself. As an adult, I find it occasionally comforting when things get on top to stop and think that it doesn't really matter anyway.

This screams blood doping scandal to me.

On the subject of quantifying nothingness, I've always enjoyed the story of the Madgeburg Hemispheres experiments, where Otto von Guericke pumped all of the air out of a metal sphere and then tried to open it to see what "nothing" would look like, only to find that he was unable to open the sphere, even when pulling it in two different directions using horses. Because there is all of the atmospheric pressure of the Earth outside the sphere and only "nothing" inside it, it cannot be opened until some air is allowed back into the sphere to balance the pressure.

That's the real truth of the universe. Amen, brother.

I feel nothing. Unless she tells me to. Then I feel a verbatim quote of whatever she said.

As a married man, I've been trained that sex is wrong and not to be undertaken in, therefore I have no desires of the sort as they have long since been browbeaten out of me.

If by "smash that" you mean squirm your way through 3 seconds of fumbling penetration before shuddering to a quivering climax and then sobbing and apologising then yes, yes you would.

Family went out for dinner a couple of weeks ago for my sister-in-law's birthday. At the end of the meal we got the waitress to bring out the cake we'd supplied and did the candles etc. The birthday girls then started dishing out slices, struggled to work out how to make them even and told me that I'd need to take the corner of this particular circular cake to even things up.

Not exactly a petty thing. Good luck. Cheers GD.

I'm in hospital with kidney problems. Posted from my sick bed with morphine drip.

Superb bit of business by the club. Well done to all involved. Lithgow and Graham will hopefully follow suit.

Delighted Smith has signed.

Ah yes, in lieu of information, start a completely unfounded rumour based on pure speculation...

I've seen ffcsam in the nip.

The explanation is simple, the world has fallen off of its axis and the End Times have begun.

Thon "supersons" boy would spontaneously combust.

My memory has taken a pounding over the years through a steady diet of professional drink and recreational drugs, but I always knew him as a useless carthorse up until he joined us. I mind him having a bit of ability in Division 3 right enough. It's all relative now anyway. Might as well go and get my "Jimmy's gonna get ye!" tattoo lasered off.