smpar

Please, please, please tell her that - word for word - when she opens it. If you come out of that conversation without a large hand-shaped print on your face, I'll buy you a pint.

Fair point. However, as much as it's unsurprising, it's still a desperate and frankly a sick way of one-upping.

Around 350 victims within UK football clubs. Fucking hell, that is grim. What amazes me is the amount of fans who take this as a point-scoring exercise to get one over other teams.

You're determined to keep me on this 'naughty list', you saucy bugger.

When you asked for it to be modelled on you, I thought that also included a cock the size of a chapstick.

I just need to carve out the bumhole and it'll be finished soon.

Always knew you were a bit of a thieving c**t tbh.

The Burka debate is always an interesting one. "They should respect are beliefe's" = "I'm a paranoid racist and I've heard you can't get your tits out in Dubai."

We got someone else's tickets for the 2007 Scottish Cup Final delivered to our door, someone round the corner has the same surname and I'm sure the same first initial too. I can't remember what made us realise they weren't ours as we were waiting on tickets as well.

I was going to say "it's shite being religious! They're the lowest of the low, the scum of the fucking earth" but I thought that would look terrible out of context.

I was devastated. There's always the Easter Bunny, I suppose.

I'm not sure if this happens everywhere, but a few years ago the Santa in the Kingsgate in Dunfermline had to have a separate wee chair for the children to sit on as they weren't allowed to sit on Santa's knee.

I'm surprised Morrissey even bothered in the first place. Seems like the kinda guy who wouldn't bother his arse with something like that.

What are you genuinely hoping for? A fucking Rolex? Take your miniature screwdriver set, read the shitey joke and be on your way.

In all fairness, that's quite common isn't it? Most workplaces have their Christmas parties (or at least the booking for the meal) sorted months in advance.

Fair enough. Anonymously reported to your boss for racism then.

Richie Foran must be one of their prime suspects. There's no way you can have a beard like that and not be a dodgy b*****d.

Reported for racism.

I think he means posters who aren't complete and utter helmets.

Slightly off topic but I spoke to a keen darts player a while ago (he was a great guy himself) and he went through all the darts players he'd met over the years. Must have mentioned 10-15 big darts names and Gary Anderson was the only one he could say anything good about. Apparently, the rest of them are absolute wanks. Can't remember if he mentioned Eric Bristow or not but I can't imagine many normal people would meet him and say "what a decent bloke, I'd like to hang around him more often."

Faiss is going to look quite the silly chappy when Dundee are relegated and we go up via the playoffs.

It got chucked. Hopefully he will be soon too.

Sensational stuff, Liam. Bravo.