kennysmassiveego

Well done Well hope you win the thing

All we need now is a crowd w**k moment and happyaccie will disappear

Don’t you hate it when those born again Christians come to your door and ask if you’d like Jesus to come into your life ? The best answer is “ yes but you can wait outside “ What do gardeners do when they retire ? I failed my driving test for stalling . The instructor said “ just get into the f**king car will you “ RIP Sean Hughes

It looked suspiciously like a fat Ford Kieran

Compare and contrast that with what Killie did appointing LM We would have taken Coyle but our joke of a board don't have the style and panache or forethought that uncle Roy has . Or the deep pockets

Teacher asks the class to produce a sentence with the word contagious in it Wee Mary says " my wee sister had the chicken pox last week and mum wouldn't let me play with her because she said she was contagious " Well done Mary said the teacher , anyone else ? Wee johnny says " my mum won't let my dad cut the grass because she says it takes the contagious "

Johnny Beattie was a gent at the Gaeity theatre bar after one of his Whirls

Define property

The Swedish Navy have started puting barcodes on all there ships so that when they return to port they can just Scandinavian

Why do anarchists drink earl grey because proper tea is theft

Sean Comnery has found his niche She was in the garden with his nephew

Two chaps in the pub one says " do you know that lions have sex 10 times a day " 'the other says " fu*k it I've just joined the rotary "

I am.the love child of Gordon Brown and Winnie Ewing im a self loathing ugly fucker with socialist tendencies

The American embassy refused me permission to make a jelly mound of Donald Trump They said it would set a dangerous precedent

Dougie Vipond,

I'm not a fan of the new pound coin , but then again , I hate all change

A man says to his wife " I'm just going out for a few pints won't be too late " She says " if you come home like last time I'm divorcing you for certain OK " Man says " that won't happen I promise " It's 2 in the morning and he's so drunk that he's sick all over himself . He asks his drinking buddy for help , he replies that he should stick a £20 note in his inside pocket and when he gets home and the wife notices the vomit all over his clothes he should explain that that another man was sick over him and as a way of apologising give him the £20 note. Fortified with the ready made excuse he heads home . He stumbles in the door and finds the wife waiting for him "look at the state of you and you smell awful that's it your out of here and the divorce is happening" The man then gives her the ready made excuse and pulls the £20 note out of his top pocket with a flourish but instead of one two £20 notes fall out. The wife asks " what the other £20 note for then?" The man thinks quickly ... " that'll be from the man who shat in my pants "

You can have both tbf

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea ? Having a lentil on your face doesn't cost you £200

Do you know why pirates are such good singers They spend all there time working on the high seas

Is that some new synthetic legal high and are you a dealer ! Mods

If you don't know what introspection is .....you need to take a long hard look at yourself

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer ? A hooker can wash her crack again and sell it

Insomnia is awful . But on the plus side ..only 3 more sleeps till Christmas

My problem with that is how do you know that they put it in your car ? It's easy to get a receipt for petrol especially if they also own the petrol station. Would you know if they put £15/20 or £25 in your tank ?