BFTD

The Box - a movie that seeks to answer the age-old question; would you open the door to Frank Langella? Cameron Diaz is offered a million bucks in exchange for pressing Dracula's button. Only problem is, a random stranger will die. Of course, life isn't that simple, and consequences ensue. Didn't realise this was directed by the Donnie Darko guy until the credits went up, but it's obvious in hindsight. It's an obtuse thriller that piques the interest as to where the plot is going, before turning out to be very straightforward, and a wee bit silly too. Langella's a little underused, and Diaz doesn't cheat on husband James Marsden, which will surely get somebody's Hollywood Card revoked. The film was clearly supposed to be chilling and a bit disturbing, but sadly doesn't manage to pull it off, and is ultimately unsatisfying. BigFatTabbyWife tells me that the story was originally adapted as a decent Twilight Zone episode, so maybe try that instead.

Pretty impressive. Cap doffed, etc. To Paul Anderson, not you

Where do you think the money to replace the big 'A' on the Clackmannan Road is coming from? A finger in every pie, that man.

Does anyone really make their choice of viewing based on box office? Dunno about anyone else, but if I haven't seen one of Marty's films lately, it's because it didn't look interesting to me personally. Plus I haven't enjoyed much of his more recent work, no matter how serious and passionate it may have been.

Where are you getting those figures from? IMDb shows a loss at the US box office for almost everything he's made in recent years, which is generally considered to be the benchmark for success from US funders, as I understand it. Fair play to him if those are worldwide grosses; he's obviously doing very well for himself. But he's quite fortunate to have found some sensible backers. And his wife too, the b*****d Edit: just looked up the worldwide grosses; that's an incredible swing between US and RoW takings. $20m box office for Three Musketeers vs $112m elsewhere Maybe one of the few occasions that the US can claim to have better taste than Europe

That really is a shocker.

Pompeii - gladiator in ancient Rome must gain his freedom, win the heart of the governor's daughter, and attain vengeance for the slaughter of his people. Oh, and there's something about an exploding mountain...? Only watched this because I dragged the family out to see Godzilla a week early, seat reservation in hand, like a total spanner. The film's a mass of cliche and manages to come over like a remake of Gladiator for a fair part of its running time, disturbingly so at times. Dialogue is functional at best, along with the acting, although Queefer Sutherland puts in a nice turn as the bizarrely English Evil Roman Senator. Having said that, our Celtic hero's accent is from Londinium, so the casting director & dialogue coaches certainly earned their money. Special effects are quite nice, for what it's worth, even before the big hill blows its top. It's all a bit bland though, and very, very familiar. I'd recommend leaving it for DVD, but the effects are the only reason for watching, so...probably not worth bothering unless it turns up as part of your streaming package. Edit: Who keeps giving Paul W.S. Anderson so much money for these films? He's made some moderately entertaining but pretty average films in the past, but they're never going to turn a profit on these budgets

The Incredibles - family drama ensues when superheroes are forced into a normal life of mundanity after the people they save turn litigious. Wife and kid watched this while I was working last night, so I got the audio-only version. Words cannot describe what an utter joy this movie is; the only negative is that it ends. The Incredibles 2 has just been announced, so we can but hope that Disney don't manage to turn it into one of their usual idea-free saccharine-fests.

Noticed that too. Took them about half the season to include the Lowland League as well. At least pretend to give a shit, you useless bunch of c***s; it's not like you're going to be showing one of the finals or anything

The Maze - Bought this by mistake thinking it was this infamous piece of dreck, but it turned out to be something far blander. A group of idiots decide to play hide-and-seek in a field of corn (as we've all done, of course) and are picked off by a mysterious killer. Entirely by-the-numbers slasher and is so uneventful you'd swear those involved had no interest in making a film, but were just contractually obliged to do so. Great for insomniacs, I'm sure. Donnie Darko - troubled high-schooler finds himself experiencing hallucinations that point to the imminent end of the world after a jet engine destroys part of his parents' house. Didn't follow the story entirely on the first viewing as I lost interest in the middle. Found it more engaging this time round, but it's still a bit of a mindfuck. It's practically guaranteed to leave the viewer with questions, but (from recent Googlings) it appears that you're always going to end up having to accept that certain things happen just because they do, which left me a little unsatisfied. Still a good film (with a quite incredible cast), but it's hard to escape the thought that Richard Kelly was perhaps more concerned with chasing numerical bunnies down metaphysical rabbit-holes than with creating engaging narrative.

Scream of the Banshee - terminal SyFy channel movie about a banshee loose on a university campus. Full of cheap and boring dialogue-heavy scenes that go nowhere and, when something does happen, it's of little note. Very much like every other SyFy movie you've ever seen - dross. Oh, and somebody have a word with Lance Henriksen's agent, for God's sake. The Blair Witch Project - I originally saw a leaked pirate copy of this before release; the picture quality was dreadful, and a key plot point was missing. Put the shits up me pretty well. Easy to wonder why when viewing the release DVD these days. It really is just three kids wandering around in the woods bitching at each other. Almost every found-footage film released since has been more interesting. And it doesn't hold a candle to Cannibal Holocaust. Mystic River - engaging drama about three kids whose adult lives are scarred by a kidnapping. Plays like a Greek tragedy and doesn't leave the audience with a satisfying ending, something that Eastwood the director seems to enjoy. Very good, albeit a tad depressing, and a stellar cast to boot. The Abandoned - full-grown orphan heads back to her birth country of Russia to claim her mother's estate, which consists of a large farmstead in the middle of some very ominous woods. Obviously, bad things are afoot on the ranch; who will survive and what will be left of her? The film makes some attempts to provide some disturbing images and plays around with space and time, but it's a very straightforward ghost story that fails at anything beyond the bare bones of the limited script. There's very little to feed your imagination with here, and it becomes boring quite fast. Feels very tired, frankly.

The Frighteners - enjoyable supernatural thriller from Peter Jackson, most recently the author of a series of successful adverts for the New Zealand Tourism Board. A clairvoyant Michael J. Fox teams up with some ghosts to scam money out of the unsuspecting, until a mysterious supernatural being turns out to be responsible for a series of suspicious deaths. Who will survive and what will be left of them? It's a moderately fun romp that could easily have been a movie for kids, if not for Jackson's then-predilection for grue. Kind of a smaller-in-scope Ghostbusters, with smaller returns. Oh, and JEFFREY COOOMBS! The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen - nothing to do with Royston Vasey, but an effects heavy (and apparently hamfisted) adaption of a literary gangbang comic book. Fictional characters from various novels are assumed to be real and team up to save the world from a fictional villain at the dawn of a steampunk 20th century. Big, dumb action flick, with a surprising amount of dull exposition in an attempt to develop character. Still, it's vaguely watchable if you turn your brain off and, I suspect, if you aren't particularly attached to any of the characters involved. Two thumbs up from the children present, if that's any help.

The Fog - the remake/cash-in. Hopefully made a good wedge for John Carpenter; the man has been responsible for so many good films that he deserves it. The picture itself is totally unnecessary and weaker than the original in every way, including effects. Any changes to the script are to the detriment of the story, and there are plenty of poor casting choices and performances. A thoroughly average and uninspired movie with no sense of creative spark whatsoever. Oblivion - decent sci-fi actioner about the aftermath of an alien invasion that destroys the moon, practically wiping out life on Earth. Tom Cruise is the last man on (or hovering above) Earth, and is in charge of gathering resources to supply the remaining human colony on Saturn's moon Titan. It becomes pretty clear that shenanigans are taking place and, whaddaya know, that's exactly what's going down. The movie's a big effects spectacular, most of which is spooged on post-apocalyptic environments that are curiously (but necessarily, I guess) devoid of detail. Apart from that, it's very much Apple-styled clean white surfaces agogo. The story has a very gentle feel to it; you never really get the sense that anybody's in real peril and, even when they are, surely it'll all be OK somehow. Even the plot twists are closer to smooth curves than mind-melting WTF moments. Still, it's all quite pleasant, and a decent watch so long as you don't expect a genre gamechanger. If you can't abide the Cruise-ster, however, this won't do anything to change your mind.

Island of Death - tepid shocker that tries to touch on as many taboos as possible in an attempt to offend. Flick follows a couple sadistically torturing their way around Mykonos until eventual (and disappointing) retribution at the end. There's very little to the plot other than that, although you could edit out the 'controversial' moments and make a decent travel video for the island. Would make for a more interesting film too. Incidentally, I remember catching Nico Mastorakis' last movie .com for Murder on the telly a while back - what a fucking shocker that was. One of the worst films I'd ever seen in every way possible. It made this one look like a potential Oscar winner. Sad to see a career finish at such a low ebb, even if it wasn't stellar to begin with. Anchorman 2 - not quite as bad as some of you guys have suggested, IMO. It was never going to be as funny as the original, but it still has its moments. The random scattergun improvised dialogue doesn't hit the target anything like as often as it did before. They just about got away with it this time, but they'd really be milking it to try for a third.

I haven't worked in an office for years. Clicking on this thread was a terrible mistake. Years of therapy, for naught. I was sacked from an office job "as we have to think about our clients" because I told my boss that we weren't treating some of our clients very well They aren't in business any more.

Deep Impact - part of the pre-Millennium cinematic build-up to inevitable doomsday. Giant Rock is heading for Earth - oh noes! President Morgan Freeman will surely save us or, at least, stop us from caring with that voice! Sadly, large parts of the movie contain no Morgan Freeman, instead focusing on a surprisingly slow-moving plod toward The End Of All Life. Will the various plans to throw explosions at The Rock pay off? Will you still be awake enough to smell what The Rock is cookin'? Probably not. Wes Craven's New Nightmare - the titular director's first stab at postmodern horror before hitting the mark with Scream. Freddy Kreuger attempts to enter the real world and begins to terrorise those involved in the original Nightmare on Elm Street. Multiple cameos from both sides of the camera abound, but sadly no Johnny Depp. The film has an unfocused feel and just degenerates into a standard Elm Street, without bettering any of the ones that came before. Also has a bit of a TV movie feel to it; strange, considering it didn't have a lower budget than the others. I have a problem with the Freddy Krueger films in general, TBH. The character's backstory is so horrible (and inkeeping with Wes Craven's earlier work) that it seems very strange to turn him into a gurning clown. The real horror's already happened by the opening titles. Jason X - Utterly glorious comedy installment of the Friday the 13th series. Gives up all pretense of being a horror movie by sending our boy Jason into space in the 25th century. The whole thing's played for laughs, from the crew of the spaceship down to the tremendously OTT murders. The immortal psychotic is even woken from cryogenic sleep by a vague sense that somebody, somewhere, is having premarital sex. Ridiculous plot holes only add to the fun, and you'll go mad trying to work out where you've seen most of the cast before. Easily the best in the series. Always an absolute joy.

Our recent form is clearly part of a plan to keep the bottom of the Championship interesting in it's inaugural season. No doubt Mike Mulraney has arranged for our last minute survival.

T'was a most wise and learned individual, I am sure

Really giving this relegation thing a good go now. Don't fancy next week's fixtures at all. Think we can win the play-offs, or are Dunfermline better than last season?

Tropic Thunder - didn't know this is where that "never go full retard" meme comes from. Decent Hollywood spoof totally stolen by Robert Downey Jr. Starting to think that watching spoof trailers would be more entertaining than most movies. Quote from BigFatTabbyWife after realising who Les Grossman was played by - "I wonder if they all believe in aliens?" Sorority Row - Exactly how it sounds; slasher movie in a sorority house. Group of bitches (and their wanky boyfriends) totally have the piss murdered out of them until they're aw deid. Slightly better than the average, until spectacularly losing the plot towards the end. It's impossible to have a satisfying reveal these days; they'd be as well to unveil the perpetrator as a rotten cabbage for all the difference it would make. Snake Eyes - Nice wee De Palma mystery thriller about an assassination at a casino boxing match. Not stellar, but pretty entertaining until the mystery is solved, and the story's quite nicely framed until the straightforward final third. Added bonus that I didn't want to set Nicolas Cage on fire, which is the norm.

I'll be one of those dicks that claims they saw the twist coming, but that didn't change the fact that it's a cracking film. Looking forward to Spike Lee's remake coming out on DVD, as I enjoy being offended by shite retreads of the classics.

Cleanskin - slightly depressing conspiracy drama about Islamic fundamentalist terrorism. The main terrorist guy's motivation appears to be that some utter bell-end in his college class was mean to him, and his non-Muslim girlfriend is a lush. Sort your life out, for f**k's sake. Average to OK, and saved slightly by a very bored SEAN BEEEEEAN! who gets to be a Yorkshireman in this one Nightmare Hostel - fucking horrifying abortion of a movie. Some nonsense about a rage drug being tested in some fruitcake's hospital. Looks and sounds like your worst student film nightmare, drags on for the rest of your natural life, and features optical effects so bad that you'll tear out your own eyes. All those involved should be killed. Worse than that time you put your dick in my mouth when I was sleeping and took a picture. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs - this was really good. Young mad scientist on a remote island invents a machine that makes it rain food. Much better than it sounds, and was consistently amusing. Even got a few LOLs out of me, and I'm a miserable p***k. Also, MR FUCKING T! Saw part of the sequel too, but fell asleep despite enjoying it as well. It's like the first, but all the characters have been smoking crack in the interim, which is fun to watch. And that's before the cheeseburger spiders arrive. This is a real golden age for animation at the moment; practically all the big players are producing really entertaining stuff. Except Disney, of course, who've made perhaps two or three decent films in my entire lifetime. And none of them were The Lion King. My Bloody Valentine 3D - Jaws 3D scarred me for life, so we watched this in 2D. Pretty standard slasher flick about the aftermath of a mining accident. Story was a little dull; frankly, the accident itself sounded more interesting. An OK watch if you're in the mood for a horror movie, but you forgot to pick up your beta blocker prescription.

As some shitty trailer from yesteryear put it, "UNDERGROUND LEGEND MICHAEL IRONSIDE!" I'd watch that man in a romantic comedy. That's how awesome he is.

Aye, that's the one. A nice enough twist on the evil child genre. Edit: We're talking about Orphan, just in case anyone clicks on the spoiler to find out and curses us out

Starship Troopers - lovely futuristic fascist satire, with a Zulu pastiche thrown in for good measure. Ridiculously coiffed beautiful people, hilarious dialogue, cliched plot, risible rhetoric; it's all here. Effects and action scenes still stand up well too. Good for a game of Spot-The-Actor, for those who like such things. I was originally dragged along to this by a war movie lover who was expecting a serious military treatise The level of seethe was palpable