BFTD

I accidentally picked that up after spending some time in the Southwest and, like, I've been secretly hoping someone would kill me for it ever since. I, like, like how the American stereotype of Californians seemed to be more about how they're mentally handicapped and obsessed with traffic.

Labour and the Conservatives would absolutely enter some kind of Holyrood coalition in the name of ending the evil Nationalist threat. I'm surprised anyone thinks otherwise. As little as twenty years ago there may still have been ideological differences, but what would be the big disagreement be that they couldn't resolve? I'm sure Labour would even allow wee DRoss a few measures to discriminate against those pesky travellers. Scottish Labour are still so fizzing about the SNP taking over "their" country region that common sense isn't much of a factor. We'll come back to them on their terms, or not at all. It'll almost certainly never happen because there'll always be the Lib Dems or similar to make up the required numbers, but nowadays if it was necessary to stop an SNP administration, they'd absolutely feel justified in going into government with the Conservatives.

I think I'd put Kylie above Madonna now in terms of career. Twenty-odd years ago it wouldn't even have been a comparison. I was in the States when the tiny Antipodean had her breakthrough there with Can't Get You Out Of My Head, and I was shocked to see/hear her; frankly, I thought she was probably done as a big star in the UK too, as I hadn't heard anything from her since Confide in Me. Madonna was obviously more of a trendsetter, but those days are long gone. They've both got incredible greatest hits catalogues now though, so there's probably not much in it. My Madonna Best Of album would even include popular songs that people seem to have turned against like Hanky Panky, Dear Jessie, and Human Nature, so she's got some amount of songs to choose from. Obviously they both put on a hell of a show.

Yeah, it was a big non-news news story a few years back - the Kardashians were getting the blame at the time but, as you say, it's been around for a while. I think it's the Californian Valley Girl thing. I saw a video a while back about how it used to be the thing men did who were trying to be effortlessly masculine (Connery, as you say, who picked it up from Ian Fleming himself, and it was almost ubiquitous with men who wanted to give the impression of being in charge without having to give a damn). Nobody appears to have given a shit about it then, but it's only when women started doing the same thing that it made people really annoyed by their perceived couldn't-care-less attitude. There's definitely a double standard at play. Frankly, if I was as wealthy as the Kardashians without having to do any kind of actual work, I'd go beyond lazy vocal affectations and just pay someone else to speak on my behalf.

I'm going with an incorrect reply address on the SFA emails, nobody checking the default SFA email address they ended up at, Buckie not wondering why they got no confirmation, and someone at the SFA seething about having been dingyed and pulling the trigger early in a fit of pique. There may also have been a mix-up centring around a picture of the Fallen Madonna with ze Big Boobies.

We need a poll on whether it's the SFA or Buckie who are more likely to have fucked up here. Buckie claiming they've been responding to the SFA and were told the licencing decision wouldn't be taken 'til the 15th, while the SFA say they've heard nothing from them. Nobody would be surprised if somehow both proved to be true. Scottish football, eh?

Buckie daring to beat a weak side heavily on purpose, by God, the very thought! Clearly Brechin had no way of knowing that goal difference might be an issue this season, considering the pair only lost four games between them last term. Next season will be #4 in the Highland League - the parachute payments have finished and, if the Lowland League is anything to go by, this is where the gentle slide down the table begins. Presumably that's what's fuelled this heads gone.

To liven things up, how about we say that the winners get to beat Falkirk in the last game of the season?

Children's TV in the Eighties had the strange idea of getting viewers to phone in to control characters in computer games with their voices. Off the top of my head, I remember them using Xenon, Weird Dreams, and Magic Pockets, but there were probably more. Kids would supposedly say up, down, fire, or whatever and the character would somehow respond (this wasn't technology that existed back then). We were more naive then; I don't think you could do that now without viewers realising that the delay would've been so huge that you'd have died long before you saw the game even appear on your TV at home.

I don't care what you all say, we're still winning this. We're all going to spend the rest of our lives waking up with the mental image of an ecstatic John McGinn hugging the Henri Delaunay Trophy.

The Scottish authorities do seem to like trying to block virtually everyone from promotion to a higher league. You could easily take it personally. Edit: if the Bronze licence requirement was only agreed upon in December, that'll be another Scottish football favourite - changing the rules mid-season out of panic.

TBF, most of that list is to do with Brian May being an excellent promoter and milking Freddie Mercury's tragic death. I like both groups and think they wrote a shitload of quality material between them, but Queen would probably win out as performers entirely due to Freddie. The Beatles were from a simpler time where acts could still let their songs do the talking onstage without needing that level of showmanship. Let's be honest, Queen don't achieve half as much success without Freddie's persona.

If a reserve team finishes top of the Lowland League, the play-off spot goes to the runner-up, right? Other than "we never agreed on it", I dunno why the same wouldn't be true when the Highland League champions aren't eligible for promotion.

They're missing out on a massive opportunity for expansion into the US; the orange drink for the orange man. He'd insist they'd licence his name though. Trump Brew. Gassy with a peculiar smell.

I'm sure the younger posters will be absolutely shocked by the number of leather jackets being mentioned by their elders

If there's one thing Scotland's been missing, it's our very own Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Buckie's emails presumably going into the SFA's Junk folder; good prep for life in the big leagues. You really wouldn't like to be Brechin's dug tonight.

I know f**k all about cars, and had never heard of a "Vauxhall Crossland" before yesterday, when I noticed a random discussion had broken out about how shite they are on an unrelated Reddit thread about something totally innocent and not perverted. It's not looking good, is it?

It would be reeeeeally interesting to see how that breaks down with different socioeconomic groups. Who thinks they're going to be a winner or loser, and who's believing Sir Keef when he says he's going to do f**k all?

There's a one-liner about Keith Flint here somewhere....Flint, lighter, flamethrower...bollocks, I'll have it in a minute.

TBF, I could fart into a tuba for fifteen minutes and call it a cover of Ode to Joy, but I really don't think Beethoven should be taking the blame for it.

A kid in my class at school had the superpower of being able to vomit on command, and would use it to get excused from class when he was bored. Just licked his lips for a few seconds and then emptied his stomach on the desk. Uncanny. Doing it didn't bother him at all, but the stench was awful. I'd like to think he's spent his adult life on public transport waiting for people with suppers, then blowing chunks in a carrier bag and claiming to have motion sickness exacerbated by stinking fast food. If that doesn't stop them, nothing will. ...this would be where you tell us what you did to shame yourself. Don't worry, we're an understanding lot.

Sorry, but posting videos of Black Eyed Peas songs ought to be treated the same as posting GIFs of sex machine accidents (Booitsme7, GBNF). Causing unsuspecting humans to remember deep trauma is just so very poor*. You need to do better. * Except for @KnightswoodBear

To be fair to REFUK, this has been a popular refrain among Conservative MPs for some time, and is a wildly popular concept with their voters, many of who would like to have gunboats stationed in the Channel to open fire on unarmed human beings. Makes a total mockery of the idea that only 1% of the population suffers from/enjoys the benefits of psychopathy.

We all have our favourite musicians, but who has produced the highest-quality output over their career? Suggestions: The Bee-Gees - controversial, as as many people seem to hate as love them, but aside from their own massively-popular hits, they also wrote for loads of other people and will almost certainly have been behind something that you like. Prince - I never liked the wee man when I was growing up, and still don't, but it turns out that it's just the performer that I didn't get on with - his songs seem to lend themselves to excellent cover versions, and he was also behind a whole bunch of other cracking tunes written for other people. Plus, he made Batdance. Give us your suggestions, P&B (anyone suggesting will.i.am will.b.banned).