BFTD

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning - prequel to the remake from about ten years ago. A deformed and abandoned baby is discovered and raised by inbred hillbillies, before starting work at the local slaughterhouse as an adult. When the slaughterhouse (and the town) closes, mayhem ensues. Aside from the first ten minutes or so, this is virtually identical to the first film, so the whole 'prequel' concept adds nothing but the guarantee that Leatherface and his family will survive beyond the end of the movie. This one seems more concerned with piling on the revolting backwoods cliches, so it might be worth a look if you're struggling with an upset stomach and want to move to the conclusion without sticking your fingers down your throat. Really has nothing to offer in terms of story or suspense, and R. Lee Ermey is the main focus, which is all well and good but surely not the reason why you'd buy the ticket in the first place. However, there's a fair amount of comedy value in the way that almost everybody in the movie is very willing to graphically insult a 7ft tall, built-like-a-brick-shithouse, (supposedly) mentally deficient slaughterhouse worker while he is holding the tools of his trade

Twas twenty years ago, and looked like they were on cum-stained old Betamax tapes IIRC. Apparently they were "pwoper haaaadcowr" though, back before the internet made that meaningless.

I'd never thought of Stirling folk as having a strong accent, that's all, certainly not one that could be discerned as being from Stirling. Carry on.

Already been said, I'm sure, but those Sainsbury's adverts with their horrific whimsical folksy versions of pop songs. It seems to have spread to other adverts too, so I can only assume there's an ad agency out there that really hates their clients. Either that, or people are horrible c***s. Could be the latter, thinking about it.

Stirling, really? In what way?

Fucking, so much, this. Despicable scumbags that think they'll get one over on you because you've made an effort to accommodate them. c***s. However, still better than the filthy old dirtbox that whipped out a bunch of porn in front of my family and tried to trade it for the computer he was supposed to be buying.

I refuse to buy biscuits for this reason. Either we have no biscuits in the house, or I eat all the biscuits and then we STILL have no biscuits in the house and I shake uncontrollably in the corner, snotters everywhere disapprove of my actions to an acceptable degree.

Ooh, I've set up a direct debit with those p***ks on three occasions, and each time they've ignored it and sent me a bill for twelve months' worth of NI contributions at once, one of which was at Christmas too. You'd swear they're being deliberately aggravating.

Mission accomplished! Dumbarton need to make a wee tinfoil cup for us to play for IMO.

What are you guys still doing here? The Hibees are thataway!

You thought you were going down when you wrote this, didn't you? No other reason why you'd randomly feel the need to share that, almost two weeks after the season's end, and right before your big match against an entirely different team.

They get better, although my arse still hasn't forgiven me for sitting through the first two in the cinema.

Coma - Seventies conspiracy thriller where doctor Genevieve Bujold discovers a disturbing pattern in deaths at the hospital she works at. Seventies conspiracy thriller is practically a genre to itself, and Coma has a similar feel to other members like Soylent Green. Decent viewing and a little tad chilling, as it doesn't seem as far-fetched as some. Oh, and it's directed by Michael Crichton, but isn't based on one of his books. Contact - Jodie Foster unsuccessfully dedicates her life to finding extraterrestrial transmissions, until finally she intercepts one...or does she? The movie builds quite nicely through investigation of the alien message, before reaching the point of actual contact, and...well, pissing a lot of people off, frankly. Personally, I didn't mind the resolution, but I can see why others felt cheated. It's a decent, solid drama with sci-fi overtones, and well worth giving a try on an empty evening.

The Winged Serpent? Think I'll be adding a few titles from your marathon to our rental list

I haven't seen this in years, but that's a pretty accurate description. Probably quite dull if you know what to expect, so put it on next time the wife invites friends over for dinner and watch the reactions Big black hairy spunking animal cocks FTW!

Congratulations to St Johnstone - well deserved win, even if United had taken their chances it would still have been a close run thing. Also, looked like a pretty big crowd to me. Must've been something wrong with the feed I was watching

Fucking unreal. The internet hates me today. Good goal, was it?

The pop-up ads on these dodgy feeds know when a goal's about to go in, I swear.

Glad to see I'm not the only one too useless to find a BBC stream. Had the same problem with the St Johnstone semi, only for someone to point me in the right direction at half-time.

Very, very agree. That was a cracker in the cinema. Better than the new Godzilla film, although it does bring a tear to the eye to see the big green guy again

Paranormal Entity - one of the genre of straight-to-video movies with titles almost the same as blockbusters, designed to take money from the short-sighted and careless. Like its inspiration, this is a supernatural found-footage extravaganza, played out by a family who've just lost their father. There's nothing really to discern this from Paranormal Activity, other than it's criminally boring, despite superficially having more action. Really struggled to give a damn about what was happening, and was happy when it finished. Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones - in the vein of the other four films in the series, poltergeisty things start happening in somebody's house, and the being responsible shows a particular interest in one member of the household. Oh, and there's someone who MUST DOCUMENT THIS PEOPLE WILL WANT TO KNOW! The main difference this time is that it's an average Hispanic family in an apartment block, rather than the usual wealthy white folks in the massive mansion. After the miserable fourth installment, I wasn't expecting much from this, so it came as a nice surprise. Not really a lot of scares to be had, but the story ties in with the main overarching storyline quite nicely, and the characters make for pleasant companions during the running time. Definitely the best since the second film.

Gareth Edwards' Monsters is probably a better film, IMO, but this Godzilla pissed all over the 1998 film; really surprised that anybody has fond memories of that one, TBH. The amazing disappearing giant lizard, Matthew Broderick, excessive emphasis on annoying characters, the general feel of levity, the Godzilla babies thrown in to appeal to the fans of Jurassic Park's raptors...no, just no. Fair enough if you were a kid when it came out, but I can't believe any adults enjoyed that. Hopefully the new one will get a sequel, and hopefully it'll provide a more compelling story (as much as they can, anyway). Oh, and why the hell was the Statue of Liberty in the trailer? Just a nod to Cloverfield (of which there were a few in the film itself)? Anyway...big green lizard

No offence, but I've always thought that was awful, along with the whole Shogun-Assassin-as-bedtime-story thing. The former just seemed like Tarantino dumping his own dialogue into the mouth of a character that would never have said it, and the latter came across as a fantasy of what he'd like to do if he had children. Then again, I hated the Five Finger Death Punch thing too; seemed like a really anticlimactic end to four hours building up to a final battle between the two characters. Bah, humbug, etc.

Godzilla - big green lizard

Hotel Transylvania - in a world where monsters are terrified of humans, Dracula sets up a remote hotel where they can feel safe on holiday. Drama ensues when a backpacking human finds his way to the castle and sets the undead heart of Drac's daughter aflutter. Features most of the classic Universal gang and a host of celeb voice acting, including most of Adam Sandler's usual crew. A nice straightforward kids movie that raises a few smiles and probably sets itself up quite nicely for more elaborate sequels. I'm also guessing that a fair few folk that can't stand Adam Sandler will still find this watchable. One to enjoy with the weans, I think.