I’ve fallen off the wagon a bit in terms of substance misuse, but instead of stimulants I’ve found myself using opioids like Oxycodone and Dihydrocodeine, alongside diazepam to try and numb myself. I potentially might have MS and with everything going on with my dad passing away, and my inability to process grief I just feel like I need to not feel anything. I don’t feel fatigue, pain, but I also don’t feel emotion anymore. However the lows, when they do come are crushing. I’ve said it before but in using drugs I have it in the back of my head that maybe just hopefully it’ll end up just ending it all suddenly. I don’t take so much that it would end up like that, I just kinda hope it’ll just happen. I’m back drinking as well and combined with everything else I really just don’t want to feel anything. I’m sick of worrying, feeling guilty and just constantly paralysed.
Sorry for the ramble but I just needed to get it down. Even writing this whilst under the influence is difficult. I can barely type right now.