GordonD

The Queen is touring a military hospital and goes into a ward where there are three patients. She stops by the first bed and asks the doctor who's showing her round, "Who is this man?" The doctor checks his notes. "Airman Jones, your Majesty. He's a pilot. Suffering from haemorrhoids." "Oh dear," says the Queen. "Charles often suffers from those - probably explains why he's in a bad mood so much of the time. And what treatment has been prescribed for him?" "Wire brush and Dettol," says the doctor. "With all the cutbacks we can't afford an actual operation." The Queen turns to the patient. "And what is your ambition, my man?" The patient says, "To be cured of this embarrassing condition, your Majesty, so I can sit in the cockpit of my fighter and protect your Majesty's domain against its enemies!" "Wonderful," says the Queen, and moves on to the next bed. The doctor says, "This is Deckhand Smith, your Majesty. One of your Jolly Jack Tars. I'm afraid he's suffering from a sexually transmitted disease. Despite all the warnings, he had an encounter with one of the women who frequent the harbour area. Nobody to blame but himself." "It must be extremely painful," says the Queen. "At least if Philip is to be believed. And what is his treatment?" "Wire brush and Dettol, like the other bloke. As I said, the cutbacks..." The Queen asks the patient, "And what is your ambition?" The patient says, "To get rid of this humiliating disease, your Majesty. I can't wait to get back aboard my ship and fight your Majesty's enemies." The Queen moves on to the third bed. The doctor says, "Sergeant-Major Brown, your Majesty. He has nodules on his vocal chords so can't issue orders to the men." "That must be extremely frustrating," says the Queen. "Don't tell me - wire brush and Dettol?" The doctor nods and the Queen says to the patient, "And what is you ambition, my man?" The patient replies in a hoarse whisper. "To get hold of the wire brush before those two dirty buggers!"

Peter Sellers sings George Gershwin

Why else is he a glory hunter, claiming to support Sellik? I wonder if he's ever been to Glasgow.

Though if she reads this post she'll make you cook it yourself.

The Hallelujah Chorus?

If there hadn't been several hundred Ken Beatties on duty at Hampden the pitch invasion would never have happened...

Misleading headlines, like this one. Apparently he's not being executed in Old Sparky...

The Sash?

That reminds me of an old Spitting Image sketch where they were interviewing Dustin Hoffman: Q: Dustin, in your new film you play a dog fart and in preparation for the role you spent a week up a dog's arse. Wasn't that uncomfortable? A: It was for the dog, yes.

I've been meaning to ask the Hibs supporters this for a few weeks. Do you actually mean that? In other words, would you rather have won the cup the way you actually did, or would you prefer to have beaten Hearts a few years ago? Serious question, I'm not trying to make a point or anything, I'm genuinely curious.

Well, that narrows it down a bit.

In all the talk about Celtic's youth squad playing in League Two, nobody has asked why the hell we should be helping to develop the next generation of Republic of Ireland players at all!

And to be fair there are some real sights in Glasgow...

If it's not her then it's Katherine Ryan.

Whatever turns him on, filling time until Celtic's next European tie. Oh, wait...

Apparently the exit is round the back.

I notice the councillor said this: " we can’t even access our own personal email (even though some of us use that for dealing with council business) " That's what brought down Hillary Clinton!

Me too. But why are there three?

To a country with no extradition treaty?

Elvis Presley - It's Midnight

I thought I'd heard it all from the Daily Record but this tops everything. Any time somebody suggests that the Old Firm aren't always right it's put down as "the tail wagging the dog". They say that the Bigot Brothers Colts will learn nothing from playing against the likes of Selkirk and Civil Service Strollers. Utterly patronising. If David McCarthy was any good then he'd be working on a real newspaper.

Really? Look it up.

If you think that's over the top, try visiting Newcastle. They had a similar incident and named a flight of steps after it.

People who don't know how to pronounce the word "women". It's wimmin, FFS, not woomin. For some reason STV seems to be particularly bad for this.

Do a bump and grind and they'll back away. Probably.